I'm glad all of you had a great time getting together.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Ive been thinking about some things and about the people on here. Please bear with me.
I was where we all are. I remember the hurt, the pain, the sadness, the anger, etc.
Mine was a 30 year relationship. He was my family. My first real love, my only child's father.
And when all this happened, I remember thinking, my life, my past, my future, was torn away.
I thought, there is no way I can survive this. I will never feel happiness again.
I went through the stages of grief - disbelief, anger, sadness, etc. And some other stages, too. Feeling rejected, resentful, and betrayed.
I allowed myself to feel them all. Worked through them all, for as long as I needed to. But I felt stuck.
So, I started to think about my sister burying two babies and my friend whose young child had brain cancer. I thought about the atrocities that women and children suffer around the world.
And I realized I can survive this. I can. I have to. There is no choice. I had a son who depended on me. Who was watching me. Who was leaning on me and learning how to get through life.
What did I want to show him? What did I want for me?
Deep down, I knew I would survive. I had survived a great many really difficult things. But, I wanted to be able to do more than just survive all this.
So, I had to really see why I was hanging onto a lot of it.
Because I knew if I continued to hang onto it, it would stop me from moving forward.
I knew that anger was holding me back. I was angry at him, at her, at MLC. And that was ok, for a time. But I realized that remaining angry at him or her was not going to change anything. But it was changing me. And I was no longer willing to sacrifice myself.
The Ow didnt care if I was angry, neither did my h. So, what was the point of continuing to hold onto that? That was just giving her my headspace and both of them my control.
And I also thought, what if, God forbid, he has passed away?
I would have been devastated, yes, but, eventually, I would have picked myself up and lived my life.
So, I knew it was the feelings of rejection and betrayal that were the real rocks around my neck.
I thought a few things. One, that he was in crisis. And two, that those feelings werent serving me well.
I was wearing them like a shield. Using them to stop what was needed to get in. And that is acceptance. Doesnt mean I have to like it all. Doesnt mean I have to understand it all. But I did have to accept it.
And when I did, it lead me on the road to forgiveness. That is ultimately where one needs to be.
If you can accept that this is how things are right now, with the understanding that they will not always be this way, you are on your way.
I think it is important to know that your spouse shouldnt complete your life. They shouldnt be responsible for your happiness. What a terrible burden to put on anyone.
They should enhance your life.
I remembered that there were days when I was angry, sad, disappointed and upset in my marriage. I think everyone can admit that.
And so, there are days that are like that in my life. But there are days of great joy and happiness.
There are no guarantees that life is going to be what you want it to be. And sometimes, stuff happens.
It is all how you handle plan b that makes all the difference.
Life is about growth and change. It's about accepting its rewards as well as its challenges. It is about having hope and understanding that we really do not know how its going to turn out. And that's ok. Because we can survive and thrive and learn. We can feel love and sadness, happiness and hurt. Its all a part of it.
But what we shouldnt ever do is accept that we are not worthy of experiencing it all.
No matter how you sitch turns out, whether you reconcile or not, celebrate the fact that you have survived, you have grown and you have lived your life in the best way you know how.
UW, I don't know what exactly to say, thank you... So much of what you have said I know in my mind but struggle living out in my life. I have thought often about how I deal with this situation and the fact that my three grown kids are watching, living this right along with me. How I deal with this reflects who I am and who I have tried to teach my kids to be. Not only am I a better person for surviving this but I believe I have taught my kids to be better people and to take the high road in all that life throws at them. I have a child who is living with a life threatening disease and he has looked around and saw others plights and has said how lucky he is.... Life is always about perspective...
I would rather feel pain then never feel at all... Separated 3/2012 T 34 yrs M 27 yrs
