So is this what it means to drop the rope? I came to the realization that things can't go on like this any longer. My H moved out almost a year ago this month. Although he moved back home for a few months he has been gone again since June 24th and this time he didn't say he was coming back. Problem is he kept coming back. He started slow then started coming to stay over every Tuesday. On the couch of course but we would hang out and have fun. I then wouldn't see him all weekend with no word from him.
My kids were in limbo, I was in limbo, and so was he. We work together so the reality of our situation hasn't set in for him. And I was getting confused holding out false hope. I tried having a conversation with him last week about my confusion but he had nothing to add to it. So last night I finally said, in the most compassionate and tearless tone, "I think we need to draw up our separation agreement" He was shocked and said I had just thrown it on him.
The business complicates things but he has agreed to give me the business and leave. With nothing if that's what I choose. So a serious of heartfelt and emotional emails were sent back and forth today. We both love and respect each other tremendously. I am his best friend and he will continue to call me for advice but the fire we once had he doesn't feel is there. And for us to be together we will both have to sacrifice our happiness.
Of course I disagree but I can't argue with him anymore. I think I am surrendering. I told him I love him so much and he means the world to me. He will always be my family. Question is do I just let it all go now? Although I was prepared for his I really wasn't. I had a glimmer of hope that he would beg me to stay with him. That obviously didn't happen. So what do I do now? I feel like it's still not over. How can two people love, respect, and admire each other so much and not be together? Can't we get the fire back? Do I even try to convince him of that? Do I go dark?
I feel like he needed a bolt of lightening to bring him to reality. He said he had known it was coming but was trying to avoid it. He didn't want to face it. Please give me advice. I so desperately need it.
M12 Kids 2 ILYBINILWY 08/05 Reconciled 05/06 S07/12 Moved back 03/13 Separated Again 06/24/13 Back Again (his choice) 02/14 Leaving again 03/23/14 DIVORCED 02/15
I agree with Sandi. WAS are notorious cake eaters. It's not until they really feel the weight of their decision that they can really think thru things. But I wouldn't expect a turn around over night...it's gonna take some time, and even then, there's no guarantee.
Is this the same problem since you first registered here several years ago? Has he ever gone to the doctor to have his testosterone level checked, or gone to see a counselor?
If he is not willing to even try to work at having a intimate R with you, then you need to realize you will be extremely sad and lonely throughout your M years together. How do you have a R with an unwilling partner?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi2: Yes he has had his Testosterone tested a few years ago. It was extremely low and he went on weekly testosterone injections. What a difference. He became nicer and more patient and he couldn't keep his hands off of me. We still had arguments but it rarely lasted more than a few hours. He stopped the injections because he didn't want his body to get used to it and BAM!!! That's when it all started. The fights, lack of sex drive, irritability, and then the separation.
Since he moved out he has gone back on the injections but says he doesn't feel like he did before. The doctor is still trying to adjust the dosage.
He has gone to IC in the past but only a few sessions and only because I convinced him to go. He doesn't feel he has an issue and thinks its a waste of time. I'm prepared to move on but I don't feel it's over. I may be crazy but I feel the love between us. I think we can get that fire again but I don't think it's something I would tell him. I think he has to figure it out on his own. Hopefully it won't be too late.
M12 Kids 2 ILYBINILWY 08/05 Reconciled 05/06 S07/12 Moved back 03/13 Separated Again 06/24/13 Back Again (his choice) 02/14 Leaving again 03/23/14 DIVORCED 02/15
Sometimes it takes this action before the WAS can figure out what they really want.
I agree with this.. perhaps space and time is what is needs most right now. And like you have always said, he has never had that chance to 'miss' you before. I am still in limbo with my H right now. I feel that he will never make up his mind unless something drastic happens. Arg.. men!!!
((((hugs))))
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
So what do I do now? I feel like it's still not over.
I would let things simmer for now to give him time to think about it and process, but also would definitely follow through at some point so you don't come across as someone who is firing blanks - you'll lose credibility. Think about a realistic time frame and stick to it - no need to tell him what that time frame is.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
I saw him at a business meeting yesterday. He had to leave early but walked over and gave me a long hug in front of everyone. Very unusual for him. I don't think he's done. He doesn't act like a man who is ready to move on. I know if he saw me with another man it would crush him. I want to ask him if he would be ok with a mother man being intimate with me or spending time with his kids. If he's ok with it then we are done. Don't know why I can't just let go.
M12 Kids 2 ILYBINILWY 08/05 Reconciled 05/06 S07/12 Moved back 03/13 Separated Again 06/24/13 Back Again (his choice) 02/14 Leaving again 03/23/14 DIVORCED 02/15
You cant go by what he says. If you ask him, he may pretend it is ok, and you will prematurely decide you are done.
Dont believe a word he says, and only half of what,he does....
Plus you may help relieve his guilt if he thinks you are looking forward to dating.
Just my non expert opinion.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
Because it's hard. But letting go of expectations doesn't mean you have to let go of hope.
Hang in there, and do the work. Nothing in this life worth having comes easy and is worth working for.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
