My wife dropped the bomb that she wanted to have a D. She was planning on meeting with a lawyer to go over options. I pleaded and begged that she should give me another chance and said that we would work on things and then eventually go back to fighting. Our relationship always went full circle. She said she has hasn’t truly loved me for some time and has been just convincing herself that she did. I was told that she’s tired of lying to herself and wants to just be herself . She feels trapped under me controlling her and wanted to find herself again. I begged and she agreed to a trail separation only cause it was help me get thru this.
She said our relationship is toxic and we can’t get along. I admit we have a lot of resentment cause of our past actions. She can be lazy making me do most of the chores around the house. During xmas she spent more time doing the decorations than cleaning the mess in the living room. She will also keep secrets from me cause she doesn’t like feeling trapped. I’m not sure if my lack of trust created this or if was her free spirit. The other day when things were “OK” I asked her to bring me home some lunch from a restaurant where she was going to. She brought it upstairs to me and I said “wow that is nice”. She felt that I was calling her lazy but I was actually being genuine.
I’m not perfect and have a lot of issues. I have a lot of insecurities about my intelligence, humor, my appearance, etc. Those insecurities were projected towards her and I would say hurtful things. I never believed it was an emotionally abusive relationship cause I was always joking. I gained 30 pounds and would tell her “if you get fat I’ll stop loving you”. I wasn’t serious but I know it was hurtful. My ego would also downplay her job or her opinion and it made her feel inferior. I basically was on track to destroy her self-esteem.
So here is the sitch so far. I’m set to move out this week and she’ll get roommates so she can keep the house during this separation and possibly in the future. I will be living with a friend for the 6 months until we figure out what is going to happen. After the bomb was dropped we finally opened up to each other and told the truth about everything. We let each other know how we felt and what we were thinking without holding anything back. She said that she would never tell me she was unhappy cause we would then turn into an argument. We found it funny that we were finally able to truly talk about our marriage when it was ending. If things look good now then can’t we try again? She told me it was too late.
I slept on the couch and expected the next day to be awkward and uncomfortable. We ended up talking for 6 hours non-stop. We talked about music, jokes, her job, my job, and anything else we could. We picked up dinner and ended up watching a movie together. We never cuddled or held hands but we talked. This has been happening for the last two weeks now and it feels like theres hope.
I’ve also been going to counseling and had a session last week with a DB coach. I’ve done a lot of soul searching and learned a lot of my problems and what I need work on and accept. I’m starting to detach from her but I still have hope. It’s hard because sometimes I want to walk up and hold her but I can’t. Now I’m seeing a lot of great interaction between us and I’m worried about moving out. I know she needs her space to figure out who she is and I need my space to fix my problems. I know that it will help but I’m so worried that if I leave her roommates will be there reminding her that we should never get back add that with her stubbornness. Most of the interaction will be text around my son and when I pick him up I’m sure her mother in law will be there doing the handoff. Help?
M:30 W:26 S:5 High Functioning Autism M:4 Years together 7
Just a quick note: if your W is meeting with L, I would not move out of the house. If you want to offer to sleep on the couch for space, that's fine, but you put yourself in a serious legal hole by moving out.
