I've found a lot of inspiration lately which has helped me let go of the past and the life I treasured and accepting that change is inevitable. Allowing change makes life easier. Fighting it is painful.
I am such a creature of habit and have always resisted and feared change. I dread the unknown and find comfort and security (a false sense) in the known. Because of this I am often stagnant. I've been forced to start changing this.
So much of my life is out of my control, but that's been ok with me lately. I still don't have a settlement, but I'm living my life as if that chapter is closed. Xh is having a really hard time finding closure, apparently. He says he wants to reach a settlement, but isn't facilitating it. He's confused. I am clear.
My boys are still going to therapy. Xh hasn't paid, as agreed, for the last two sessions. He's been reprimanded by the therapist and has been told that it will look bad in court. He doesn't seem to care.
S16 is now a licensed driver. Xh bought a new car and gave his old one to son. I didn't want to accept it. First, it's a Mercedes convertible and I don't think it's appropriate. S16 is thrilled. The majority of the students at his school have their parents expensive hand-me-down cars. Second, seeing it is my driveway is a reminder I don't want. My attorney advised my to accept it since S16 commutes to a neighboring town for school. He was enrolled while I was a SAHM and it's been a source of stress getting him back and forth. Now I worry that he'll get in an accident, but it is what it is. I accept that it makes my life easier.
I am still sad and uncomfortable with my divorced status. I hated the constant reminder of my bare ring finger. I haven't embraced this change and don't feel available. So, I took out a beautiful ring I inherited from my grandmother. My grandfather gave it to her on their 25th wedding anniversary. It's platinum with two rows of diamonds. Wearing it reminds me of how much she meant to me and all the time we spent together. Now when I look at my ring finger I am filled with love, not sorrow. People can assume whatever that want. I feel better and that's what matters.
My mom is doing poorly. She's been in and out of the hospital due to infections and pain. She sleeps a lot and is "wonky" (as my dad says) when she's awake. I can sit with her and feel peaceful. I'm not afraid of her dying or the grief that will follow. It's part of life. I know I will be sad, but I will work through it. My boys need to see me do this when the time comes.
Today I suddenly had an impulse to make a list of what I like. I couldn't stop adding. I listed everything from plants to indulgences. I have come to know myself so well. Honestly, if someone had asked me who I am and what I like pre-bd I don't know that I would have said much beyond being married with two kids.
I still feel somewhat in limbo. I'm not married, but haven't embraced being single. In so many ways my life hasn't changed. I'm in the same house and have full responsibility for the boys. Some routines are different, but much is the same. Overall I feel content and no longer feel like someone is missing.
When I look back to BD and the many months that followed I cannot believe how shattered I was. I didn't see how I could ever recover. I was in so much pain. I was afraid, lonely and completely heartbroken. I remember reading that a person only goes through a shattering like that once. Being brought to our knees is a horrible experience, but sets us on a different, more rewarding journey. The amount of personal growth can be amazing.
There's no doubt I will continue to post my frustration and hurt caused by xh at times, but today I don't feel it. I still haven't experienced a day of joy like those pre-bd, but I hope I'm getting closer. I really miss waking up, feeling loved and secure, and thinking my life is perfect.
thank you for sharing. I am at the beginning stages. I know this is a process. I know that eventually(hopefully) I will get to the other side. I hurt most for my kids. The damage has been done. waiting for the growth! maybe I just don't recognize it yet..
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
wbw, it takes time to start coming out of the grief and even longer to heal. I wonder if that process is ever complete. I suffered what felt like unbearable grief. So much of it was due to what my boys had lost. Their lives are forever changed and no matter what I do there will always be a void and a longing for the life they once had. It's astounding that xh never seemed to consider the impact his actions would have. He still doesn't. I can't imagine what he thinks he has gained, but it's his life.
There's no doubt, wbw, that you have grown through your experience. As the grief lifts you will start to see it. I remember thinking I would be broken forever. There were defined stages of the grieving process. Some lasted longer than others and I seemed to cycle quite a bit. It was all uncomfortable. I missed being happy. I still do. The magnitude of the loss took away innocence that I wasn't aware of.
I really believe that to heal properly you can't rush the process. Just know that everyday moves you away from sorrow and closer to joy. Assemble your resources, develop routines, figure out what helps and what doesn't as you comfort yourself during this time. I found that I didn't need tons of friends and lots of distraction to see me through. What I did need was lots of time to rest, care for myself, be alone, read and exercise. I had to find my own way.
This phase in your life won't last forever. Truly, it won't.
You know what I have discovered on this camping trip, GM, that I don't NEED a man. I can function just fine without one. But I miss having companionship, comfort, and intimacy. As fake and limited as those were with H I miss the semblance of those traits.
What I can see know is what I want from a partner, not what I need to "complete" me. I am complete with just being me and being with God. That being said I am being chosier and more particular. Just maybe that's the lesson I was intended to learn.
Just my two cents. WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
This is such a helpful thread. I agree, from my own experience, with everything you say about refinding yourself, and about the healing process
Quote:
What I did need was lots of time to rest, care for myself, be alone, read and exercise. I had to find my own way.
This seems like a very good way - I still find tht the fitter and more rested I am the better I deal with all the stuff, that I am afraid goes on happening.
As Snodderly has said, and I have reluctantly come to see (I never doubted her!) They cannot leave us alone.
AJM thinks there is some link with us for their own closure, but they are not aware of it.
I believe that emotional intelligence is an imporant key to all of this. We develop it more and more - knowing and understanding ourselves and others, where they are coming from.
The MLCer seems to have little or no EI, and once we realise that and have no expectation that they will develop or display it, then it becomes clearer how to deal with them.
Thank you so much for your thoughts at this time, you seem to be at peace with your situation. it's good to know it comes eventually, what ever the outcome.
GM, I'm sorry to read that your mother isn't doing well and has been in the hospital. I do hope that she's home resting comfortably now.
I think it's a wonderful idea that you are wearing your grandmother's ring. She would have been so happy that you are doing so. I'm sure the ring bring you peace and some wonderful memories come to the surface to calm you.
I do understand your concern about your son's driving to school. I'm sure your son is very careful w/his "new" car and will be vigilant in watching for other drivers at stop signs, etc. At least by him driving himself to school, it will free you up just a bit.
You sound more balance and I hope you are doing okay. You've had a very difficult time of it lately. I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I too have been feeling really good about things these days and very happy in general.
I still don't feel available to date but I am moving in that direction.
I recently hung out with a divorced mom 5 yrs older then I who is a dating machine and thinks I am insane for not getting any action. It was good to hang with her.
Pma!! Keep it going!!
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
