Hi all, wife committed adultery and I discovered back in June. I know the rest of this post is lengthy but Id rather provide the most info I can to gain more insight. I do have every intention of doing the phone coaching as well. I just feel lost in every way. I am not giving up on my wife, Im just trying to maintain. Thanks. Here it goes.....
Part 1 of 2:
Wife: 35 yrs old who had two wonderful children when I met her, 1 boy, 1 girl. We met when she was within the last few months of her separation from 1st husband. Story was they split because she knew he was messing around, she asked him to stop, he didnt, so she left. She allowed kids to stay with him and she rented a house and lived with her two brothers. We dated for little over a year, and then got married. Our 9 yr anniversary is this coming Sept. 9th.
Her background: Very family oriented (her family), nothing disparaging can be said about any of her family. She has 3 brothers (two of which are bums, the other, the youngest, hard working professional) She was always very very affectionate, loving and caring, especially about me and the job I do. (Firefigher). She was abused sexually/emotionally as a child but NEVER has had counseling/therapy. Her mother never took that step for her so it is unresolved. Her mom and I always got along despite differences. Wife would routinely express to me things like, "I could never imagine you with someone else", etc. Despite her good qualities, she is a very selfish person. She does not handle problems, but rather turn back to them in hopes they will resolve themselves. Never apologizes for anything as she has VERY difficult time admitting any wrongdoing. Last couple of years was rough because she had two major surgeries one year apart and last year she was in danger of dying.
My background: First few of marriage while she was still blissfully happy I did what some do and continue to go out and drink and act as if I was still single, however despite being out late and with questionable friends, I NEVER CHEATED on her, but I would imagine in her mind I did or would. Im 38 years old, this is first marriage. After a few years, I grew up and began the role of seriousness about the marriage. I ALWAYS accepted her kids as my own and my relationship with them has been great. She and her ex have admittedly stated how good of a stepparent I am. I still had late nights here and there, but my focus was our house, kids, etc. I almost literally bend over backwards giving her what she wants, and NEVER sugarcoating anything. I was always brutally honest with her and despite her love for "family" there have been times that Ive proven that I am the only person she can TRULY and unconditionally depend on.
Timeframe: Marriage till 2012: ups and downs like normal people, but she became increasingly less affectionate, less sex (sometimes attributed to her physical ailments in recent 2 years.) She even became unwilling to let me vent frustrations at daily events for me that were not marriage related, simply brushing my problems off as not important. This led me to occassionally talk to friends (some female) because I felt I couldnt confide in my wife. But nothing EVER happened sexually with these women.
2012 (March) I was speaking to a female friend at her house. Her husband is also my friend, my wife found out I was there with her husband being present and WWIII broke out. She moved out for 3 days to friends house but called on day 2 crying about she didnt want our marriage to be over. Clearly I was the one at fault, but SHE was adamant about working things out. A few months goes by, all clears up then she got sick and was hospitalized for 2 months. Of course I was there everyday along with her mom, but of course.......no family, none of her "tight knit" family were there but me and her mom. During an argument after she was released from hospital, she commented to me that I only came to hospital everyday to make myself look good.
Things simmered down, and in December of 2012 we began what I consider to be a fantastic turn of events. Absolutely no arguing whatsoever. We got along better, talked, confided, sex was still not as much but she asked me to be patient cause of her physical ailments. Sometimes she drank a little at get-together's so later that night we could have sex cause the alcohol took some edge of the pain for her. This better marriage continued until late april 2013.
