Is it too late?

[trueblue1]

I think you are correct when you `think you are getting there bot really arent'
Its still a rollercoaster but the drops dont seem quite as steep as they did & the climbs out of the troughs seem a little easier!

WAW hasnt texted for 48 hours (not counting honest!!) & as she will be with OM today she'll probably make it to 72 hours, a new record!.....then she'll text & ask why I've been quiet, I'll have a quiet chuckle at that one!

[labug]

Hi, I've just read through your thread and I think your W has given you valuable information, she's very hurt and she's trying to get you to see it. It may be script but that doesn't mean it's not true. We have our script too, I'm sorry, I didn't understand, Please give me another chance, I'll change. There are only so many ways to express things and the fact that we express them similarly doesn't make them any less true.

It would seem that your W's complaints are valid:

I have spent the last 2 years focusing far too much on my work, 14 hours a day, 5.5 days a week & any downtime was spent either watching football or the odd pint with my son or checking on my mother. I didn’t try to make my marriage work, didn’t spend any time with my wife & let her down completely. Due to me snoring & my wife being a light sleeper I have slept in the spare room for a long time, hence no sex. I let my marriage drift away.

And she's very truthful in that you can't change something that's been going on for years in a very short time. It took my H 2 years before he would have a conversation with me. So cool your jets, seat belt on? It's gonna be a bumpy ride just as uR said.

My first question is, why is it now so important to get her back, to be on her mind? You weren't in a loving R before, what is different now?

My second question: Do you understand why she left? Have you apologized for being absent in the M?

I did send one txt stating that all this txting was a bad idea & maybe she should only contact me if she was considering taking me back to which she replied `well you are still trying to control me & giving her no choice'!

People were telling you not to initiate convos with her but answering questions is OK. If you don't want R talk, that's OK, you might have said, I'm not in a place where I can talk about the R. I need time. W/E, but don't give ultimatums and don't tell her what to do.

What say you?

[trueblue1]

Hi labug,

Thanks for taking time to read my rants & for your feedback.

In answer to your questions:
Whoever said you don’t know what you’ve lost until its gone was so right. Although we weren’t in a loving relationship `per se’ we were still companions & have known, seen & contacted each other daily for 20 years. I just forgot (unforgiveably) how to treat her like a wife should be treated. Ultimately, she is the only woman I have ever truly been in love with & probably ever will be. This also leads to the answer for your second question, yes, I understand why she left, she found someone to offer her everything that I forgot to supply, love & special time with her. I have apologized many times for the mistakes I made & validated every time they have been raised in conversation. She has asked me over & over again during the few conversations we have had , `why didn’t you listen’, `if youd listened we wouldn’t be in this situation’, ‘how do I know you’ve changed, `you cant just change like that’ etc etc. (she raised relationship subject, not me)

The ultimatum text you have quoted was a `one off’ quite
a while ago & I haven’t repeated that,.

Ive pretty much gone on the back foot now, apart from one text communication in the last 3 days regarding a house issue there has been no contact. She is going through a problem with trapped nerves at the moment to which I said I hope she is getting better & it must be painful & difficult, her reply stated `you probably think I deserve it’. All I could say to that was `nothing could be further from the truth, I don’t think like that’.

Thanks again for your feedback

[labug]

So now you stop apologizing and begin to live your life as the man you want to be. Do you know who/what that is?

Can you sum up your mission in life in a statement?

Mach had a post yesterday that touches on this.

Look through the archives and read some of his past posts, also look for Breakdown's posts.

You'll get a lot from reading around here.

Important things to keep in mind, you both dishonored your marriage.

Your W has to do what she has to do. You can't help her, you can't speed it up. Give her space.

Delve into you, dig deep. That should keep you plenty busy.

[trueblue1]

Hi Again `la’

I think I will always apologise to some extent for being a major part in destroying what we both wanted for many years. This does not mean I will plead, chase etc, I did that for the first 4 weeks of this mess & it did not get me anywhere (I hadn’t found this forum & all the support & knowledge at that stage!) My apologies now (if we occasionally speak) are more in the form of validation.

I have read a lot, most days I will spend an hour trawling around finding both inspiration & reality in equal measure. The difference now to a few weeks ago is I do not try & find direct comparisons that tell me everything will be ok. I’m at the stage where I have realized I have actually got no control over WAW & what she wants, nor can I have any influence & it would be foolhardy to try.

It is all about sorting me now, I do not have a life mission statement at the moment, starting in small chunks & the first one is to become the man that my wife fell in love with, he was happy, charming, proud of his appearance at all times & a tower of strength for her & all his friends & family. It may never bring back the relationship I wanted but it might just give me an opportunity of another one sometime in the future. The `me’ I became towards the end of my marriage would have had no chance with anybody, insular, tired, miserable & uncaring, he was an idiot, I get that now & fully understand why & how I blew it.

Back to today, WAW has been quieter than ever, still only 1 txt conversation in 4 days, but, no chasing from me, lets see how long this lasts, probably a long, long time.

Thanks again, I really appreciate your comments

[FooFighter999]

It is all about sorting me now, I do not have a life mission statement at the moment, starting in small chunks & the first one is to become the man that my wife fell in love with, he was happy, charming, proud of his appearance at all times & a tower of strength for her & all his friends & family.

TB1,

Now your talking!! Keep that mindset and you will get through this.

FF999

[trueblue1]

Thanks FF,

Welcome back, hope you had a good time in Canaries, which island did you visit?

Another chapter starts tomorrow, out of bedsit land & get my house back. Although I thought at the back of my mind bedsit land would end up with me moving back to WAW it was not a realistic thought & after reading everyones situations on here its so clear that time & space is the only possible healer. Now I'm looking forward to fresh start in my own space. Still having `down' days but thankfully they are sporadic, a few weeks ago I never thought they would go away!

Communication with WAW is now intermittent & initiated by her although I txted a couple of days ago ref a property issues, did not receive a reply so 8 hours later just sent a courteous txt checking if shes ok as I had not had a reply (she is quite poorly at the moment) & she rang me back immediately saying she had sent a txt to which I said sorry but I had not recieved it. A short call with more validating then she texted back that night to say sorry for being `snappy, with me on the phone.....She never apologises for anything! That was original.

Hope everyones good

[trueblue1]

Hi All,

Latest update:

Im back in my house, all furniture etc arrived on time & spent the weekend washing, Ironing & making some meals up for the week to save me cooking when I get home from work....just love roasted veg's & sausage!!

No contact from me to WAW but she has called a few times, twice on friday with mobile phone problems that she cannot seem to sort & then a big call on Saturday to tell me about major financial problems she is encountering (mortgage etc) OM not mentioned once. Gave her lots of calm advice & offered to help her out with some money to overcome her immediate problems (I really cannot sit back & watch her implode) She accepted the offer, I wont see her, just transfer to her bank account. She rang again today to tell me the action she has taken to sort her debts, my response was to say `well done' for facing up to them rather than ignoring letters & demands.

Questions in my head:
1) I wonder why she can only confide in me over these problems? She admitted this! I always used to be her rock until a couple of years ago, I suppose i am being in a small way again.
2) I wonder if OM is still on the scene? why cant she confide in him or ask him for help? probably pride! So I'm sure i get the depressed calls & he gets the nice ones! lol!
3) Shes back on anti-depressants again (a lifelong fixture for her) why?

In a way I think that proves to me its over (probably reading between the lines again) if shes prepared not to want me back when shes in a big mess financially she never will. I would have thought very hard if that had been suggested as money is not a reason for us to get back together.

To round up it seems that I'm heading towards a big `T'-junction. I was really flattered on night out at the weekend to be chatted up by a lovely girl I knew from a few years ago. (12 years my junior too!, the weight loss must have worked). I think this weeks going to be a mini rollercoaster. I see dilemmas, do I move on or do I wait for the call from the WAW that I think will never come? I dont want to mess this girl about, if I commit that will be it....decisions...decisions!

[trueblue1]

Hi All,

Another quick update & a small conundrum you may be able to hep with as i am stumped!

Communication with WAW is still intermittent, I'm silent but she will ring approx every 72 hours, I dont read a lot into this as maybe she is just being civil in case she needs financial support again but she does only seem to ring with problems that she is facing. I really feel like saying `bet the OM doesnt get the `lifes little problems calls' but Ive held back on that one. All calls are amicable & I always finish with `thanks for ringing, its nice to hear from you'.

Now for the conundrum...Facebook was historically a problem between us. One of my ex girlfriends was still a facebook friend (only facebook contact was happy birthday or christmas, no more, no less) which made WAW insanely jealous & she told me to cut her from my contacts. I said this was unfair & this was trying to control me & she had nothing to be jealous about. So, like an idiot, I `unfriended' my wife a couple of years ago & despite her requests I refused to put her back on. Simple fact is I very rarely even look at facebook so I didnt see a problem. Of course I did when the bomb dropped & became a part of the whole why I'm a bad husband scenario.

To cut to the chase, yesterday my facebook account shows a friend request...from WAW! Do I accept? It would be a 180! I have nothing to hide on there, I do not make comments, or recieve anything that would cause a problem, but, old ex is still a friend as is the new girl who I have recently met (there are no facebook communications between any of us, just show as friends). Accept WAW or not, she will check out who my friends are & if the past is anything to go by it may make her jealous, I dont know!

Quick update on the new girl I have met, we had a drink at the weekend but no more than that, the attraction is flattering to say the least but I am sure, deep down, I am not ready for another relationship until Ive truly given up on my marriage,

Thanks for any advice

[sayitaintso]

My .02

I would not accept it. If she asks you can tell her you are rarely ever on there and didn't even see it. You can also ask why she did it at that time. Don't say anything unless she brings it up.

I eventually had to defriend my stbx because it was very painful to see her updates and her pictures with other people when I felt exiled and rejected from her life. It was to protect myself and not to punish her.

If it wouldn't bother you to see a pic of her with OM and you are detached enough to handle things like that then I don't see a problem with it but that's typically not the case around here.

Best