Confused about detaching!!!

[Pudmuddle]

Wow Angela, what a day you had! I feel for you.

I'm not sure what to say about the sex issue, other than I wish I had that problem.

But in all seriousness, remember that you sometimes have to fit DB to your specific situation. I would say that if you are having sex still, and it is not bothering you then it can only help the connection between you. Have sex because YOU want to. Some of my thoughts are that if you do have sex, you must have NO expectations on what will happen afterwards. If he suddenly jumps up and says I have to go, then stretch out calmly and say Ok have a great time.

Also, do you initiate at all? Meaning do you set up something nice and make it all about him? That could possibly help his feelings of insecurity. And again, have no expectations on how it will turn out. Or he may even reject you. Then just say Ok, I thought it would be nice to have some time together and leave it at that.

Then on the MIL email. My first thought there was, oh no, she didn't really do that for him... What your H is going through cannot be corrected by you. If he has issues with his mother right now, then HE needs to correct it. Because as you saw, how will you know if you said the right thing? Or what he wanted you to do? YOU CAN'T. It sounds like he is used to other people 'fixing' his mistakes. Don't do that for him, it cannot possibly turn out good.

He is in a messed up state of mind, so he will try to find things wrong with anything you try to do right now, ok? I can see vividly from your posts that he is up and down at the drop of a hat, so there is no way you could know how make sense of him. It's up to you right now to be consistent with your responses, calm, cool and not give in to his tantrums. I think at this point you will have to say Look I'm sorry about what I said in the email, I am only concerned about you, but I cannot fix what has happened between you and your mother. You are going to have to fix it when you are ready.

Just my thoughts on the whole thing. Remember in your head to breathe before you say anything. And also remember you will have to come back here and post to your board buddies . Make us proud!

Keep calm and carry on, friend.

[chasingpavements]

Hi Angela,
Hope you are feeling better. Just a couple things that I noticed upon reading your last post.

To answer your question about affection and making love, it is okay so long as you feel good about it, if it works for you. So long as you don't have any 'expectations' attached, or expecting that there is an emotional attachment, as there might not be on both sides. If you enjoy it, and it is not giving any false hope then go for it. As far as kisses and hugs go, in my situation I held off on that as I could tell that my H wasn't comfortable with that.

Also, I would definitely hold back on mentioning ANYTHING about MLC to your H. It is clearly upsetting him and causing problems. People in MLC refuse to believe they are in MLC. You may know it, but he doesn't need to hear it. Just do all the research, books, internet, and reading up on the subject you can do, but do NOT mention to him that you are doing so. There are also tonnes of MLC information links on the MLC forum on here, and lots of useful advice in dealing with a MLC'er.

Good luck and keep us posted.
cp

[Hopefull2]

Angela

I am no expert and you must decide what is right in your heart. you also must realize how much power your intimacy has in your relationship. ML is more than an act, it is a time of emotional connection. Sure us guys have a strong physical need but when my W would withhold her intimacy I would feel devastated. It would rip me up on the inside. I would do anything to get rid of that hurt.

Hear me there, I would do anything... I am not advocating, ok I kind of am, you withhold your love but that you use those times to communicate your needs. Be voulnerable, when you are leading up to ML communicate that you need him to lay with you after, that you need him to hold your hand.

Try to get him to think about your needs that he may not be aware of, because he's a guy.... we are mostly clueless unless told... At least most of us

I am no expert but would be very cautious of the negative affects of not ML while he is in such turmoil.

Look up ReachingHigher's sitch. I know she reached a point where she truly fealt "used" (and was) and effectively communicated this with her H and stopped ML.

P.S. All this stinks but know that you do have control of your own attitude and have a choice (and control) each and every day of your decisions, hang in there.

[Feenix]

Oh, Pudmuddle....you are SO right about the MIL issue! Wish I would have thought of it in those terms before I told H I would write her. But, I won't be making that mistake again! You were so right. And, yes, he is used to everyone (including his MOMMMA, fixing everything for him...sounds like that's a good habit to break.)

I was too tired to reply last night, but your post, along with CP's really helped before I went to bed.

CP, thank you, too, for the good reminders!

And, H2, it was good to have another guy perspective!!! Thank you so much!! You helped me to get some things straight in my own mind about what I want and need...and helped remind me about how guys are with this ML stuff.

All of you on this thread have had great suggestions. And while I know that I have to do what I feel is "right," it did help to feel validated on the "sex" thing....that within boundaries (or whatever), that it's okay that my H and I are still ML.

_________________________________________________________________

Update today (all of you who wrote me about the past couple of issues...THANK YOU! It really helped get me back on track with my DBing!!!!!):

So, H left the house mad yesterday about the ML comment I made. I texted him once, yesterday evening, to apologize for taking things the wrong way and to tell him to have fun hanging with the guys. I never heard back from him...so I let it go.

This morning, he didn't come home from work. (The past two months, this is standard if he's mad at me. So, I'm guessing he went back to his buddy's, where he crashes sometimes.)

I wanted to text him, but did NOT, thanks to the reminders from my friends on here! And, after lunch, he texted me to ask if I'd tried to call (nope...I did not....and he knew that, too, as his phone obviously has caller ID).

I replied, "Nope, but thanks for making sure."

He then asked what I was doing. He asked what all we have going on this week with the kids, etc. I would wait 30 minutes or so, while I really was busy cleaning house, before I would reply with nice, but short texts. Not my usual chatty self, just straight and to the point.

He kept texting me. Then, he kept thanking me for being "civil".

At one point, he texted something kinda rude and I just wrote back, "I am not going to fight."

So, he went back to being nice. His last text didn't need an answer so I didn't reply.

So, much better today! I am feeling more balanced, less frantic.

The past two weeks, I've felt like I was running out of time or something....like I had to make decisions right now! But, this weekend was good for me to remember to chill out...to calm down....and to remember that this is going to take a LONG, LONG time to work out.

Also, it's good for me to be reminded that I am fortunate to have my H still at home. The roller coaster rides are NOT fun...and sometimes hard to get off of with him here...but at least, he's here. And, that's something.

[chasingpavements]

Hi Angela,

Glad to hear you are having a better day. Sounds like you are on the right track here, by giving him some space and backing off on asking about his whereabouts. You are also doing good by not getting drawn into fights with him. Keep it up! The more DB'ing you do, the better you will feel. It gets easier with time, just keep at it! Sounds like you are doing good with everything and getting the hang of it. You are lucky that your H is at home, you have the "gift of time" as they call it on here.. take advantage and DB it up

cp

[Pudmuddle]

Angela, sounds like you had a much better day, I'm so glad. And guess what? YOU are an inspiration to ME, so hopefully we can both keep each other going and won't be down on the same days!

And Hopefull2, thank you so much for that guy perspective, that was awesome to read and seriously applies to my H. I can see now why he has been so hurt when I didn't wanna. lol.

[Feenix]

WHAT DO I DO????? HELP!!!! Did anyone hear the HUGE explosion over here? Did everyone hear my H completely losing his mind this morning!!!!????

I go to school thinking everything is fine today. Check my email and my husband has sent an email yesterday afternoon telling all of our friends and family that we are NO LONGER TOGETHER. I get another email from my H's stepmom. He called and talked to his Dad yesterday. He told his dad that we are already splitting up and that he's looking for apartments.

Ok. This is ALL news to me as yesterday, my H was texting me, being nice and friendly. He NEVER gave any indication that he was doing this. ALSO, WE JUST HAD SEX ON SATURDAY!!!!!

Today, when he texted me, I told him I'd just received the email and told him we needed to get a mediator, etc. and he COMPLETELY LOST IT! I mean TOTALLY. He tried to pretend like he never sent that email or called his dad.

He then started blaming me, AGAIN, for everything. He is being totally irrational. Nothing he is saying even makes any sense. He is lying and making stuff up.

WHAT DO I DO???????

[Pudmuddle]

OH LORDY Angela! What the heck??

I would say lay real low, but I am really not sure! This is so weird it's even baffling me.

I think you should just be dark right now until he is in a more rational mood to speak to you. Holy cats! That is very, very strange behavior.

[Feenix]

Pudmuddle,

That is what I decided, too.

Since I wrote that post this morning, he has texted a few more times acting all nice, like nothing is going on.

So, I'm just going to keep myself busy at work and ignore him for now. He is ALL OVER the place today!!!

First, he tried to just lie about it all. Then, when he realized I'm not stupid...when he rememberd that I got the email he sent everyone else, then he just got very, very angry and mad.

He started finding all kinds of reasons to be mad at me and how everything has been my fault, blah, blah, blah. He kept saying I was irrational and crazy. So, I nicely excused myself from the conversation.

His mood swings are really something. I was always blaming myself....but it's becoming more apparent that his moods often have NOTHING to do with me. Makes it easier to just get out of the way...and let him do his thing.

I'm pretty sure he isn't into drugs...but he sure acts like it.

Thanks, Pud!!!

[Pudmuddle]

Oh good, you sound better now! I was worried.

It does make it so much easier when they become so up and down at the drop of a hat that they really are not making any sense. All you can do is drop back and watch.

Hang in there, he is so upset with himself and what he feels inside it's obvious he has no idea how to handle it. He will have to work through this himself now. Especially when he is coming at you full force, just stay away.