M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
I feel much better today. Having work and then gym and house stuff fills my time and doesn't give me much time to ponder. The weekends with kids can be hard. Not sure if it's because they remind me of her/family or lots of time to think or I know she is free and single while I watch the kids or all 3.
Generally in the past it has taken W about 1.5 months to start to to reach out again after something like this. From now that takes us up to our 5th anniversary in October. She might reach out sooner or later or never.
I'm just glad I feel better. Much calmer, nearly "I will be fine no matter what". The rollercoaster definitely gets shorter to ride.
I would like to have some guide lines on generally how to act right now. I'm currently NC unless it's about the kids. W text me this morning asking for help buying some of the kids uniforms for September. I'm fine getting some of it and I asked her what she needed.
- Do I go in her house when I pick up/drop off kids? - The last thing said about kids at the weekends was she wanted me to have them every weekend right now. At the time I was willing to oblige because of where we were. Now though I am not willing to do that as I need time to GAL. I feel if I approach this or anything that could be seen as me being angry about the sitch will only make things worse. I was thinking of leaving it a week or two before I tackled things such as this. - Hopefully I will be there for S3's birthday. What about after that? If she wants to do any family things. If you asked me yesterday I would say no but that would be me being spiteful.
I know it's early days after the recent events but I keep thinking about dating. Not to find someone to replace W. So I can get the courage to ask someone out, to have fun and GAL. I believe although risky, in some way, me dating will help me go back to my M at later date. Might be an odd way to look at it. I've never really done much dating. Asking someone out is a total mental block for me. It was one of the biggest reasons for me having next to no life in my twenties. W having OM in April was hard to accept, much much harder for me because of my lack of experience. I know there might be some 2x4's coming my way, just expressing my current thoughts.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
I think you need to lay low for a while and don't have any more contact with her that is not absolutely necessary.
I don't blame you for not wanting to take the kids every weekend. I don't think you should. You are too codependent on your M, and you need to develop a social life and build back some of that self-esteem you were getting before she kicked you in the teeth again.
I wish I could be more like Labug & Advina and give soft, encouragement to calm you down. But let's face it........that's not who I am, either. . I will try to be as unbiased, but it will be a challenge. Having said that, I will try to reply to your question about doing the same as I advised F in his thread.
First of all, I don't believe you can just act as if nothing happened. Neither do you need to cater to her by giving her the benefits of a marriage relationship and as though you all were one big happy family. You tried it already and it didn't work out too good.
I know that there have been reports about bipolar infildelity. I am no doctor. I do not know your W. I do know how easy it is to blame bad behavior on addictions, abuse, influence of.....almost anything, mental health issues, on and on we could go. I could tell how many doctors jerked me around putting me on a lot of medication, (part was four different AD meds at once......and then taking me off all at once, cold turkey). I've read and heard that causes a lot of suicides. But when I came to this board, I was facing a tough crowd at that time. And, they would tell me that NOTHING was reason to cheat. And you know, I am glad I had that crowd to deal with, b/c it would have been so easy to use my medical condition, combined with my other issues, as my excuse. That would have not been good, b/c I needed to take ownership.
I am not totally heartless about the possibility your W may be bipolar. Neither do I believe it should be an excuse, nor should you be expected to "accept" her bad behavior if she tells you that a doctor diagnosed it as bipolar. I feel sorry for anyone in that stitch, from either side. So, I just wanted to get that said in order to say that I don't believe you should knock yourself down if you decide you don't want to keep experiencing this ordeal. There is a chance you would face it again in a few weeks/months down the road with her. Even with meds, there is that chance of repeated behavior.
Everyone needs to own up to their bad behavior. If we are handed a "reason" to be bad, then what?
Okay, so I guess I sound like I am going around in circles and not making much sense. T, please weigh all of this about your W's actions carefully. Lay low, especially till she tells you the result of the diagnosis (and she will tell you). I don't know how you will know to believe whatever she says. I just don't want you to feel guilted or pushed into doing whatever you don't want to do.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Good post T! You definitely seem better and off the rollercoaster. If you get a divorce do you plan to get the kids every weekend? I would set up something of an agreement in writing at this point. Not sure how it works across the pond, but that's something W and I had to do while separated. We did continue to do family things together because son was 3 and we thought it was important for him. Oddly enough, the more we did things together the more I realized I/we/son would be ok regardless of the outcome. Also the more family things we started doing allowed W to see changes in me. You have to do what makes YOU feel good about you right now. That doesn't mean be selfish, but certainly not your job to play husband to your W right now. She needs a taste of what reality will be
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
I do know that I resort to game playing. I tend to when I think she is. I'm not proud of it. I guess I have always done it.
What steps do people recommend to change this behaviour?
T,
To answer your question, look at the first paragraph I quoted from your last thread. By definition, you are letting HER determine your actions. Just be the man you want to be. Her behavior shouldn't affect that at all.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
@ Sandi Any mental issues aside do you think that W right now is the same as any other WAW? or worse because of recent events or is that just part of this nightmare?
@ cbt I don't plan on having them every weekend. When I have them every weekend my life tends to go nowhere. I work all week and have the kids at the weekend then I work all week again. I wish this wasn't the case. Maybe in time I will find it isn't but right now I need some freedom to be me. Other than a verbal agreement with W this would cost money to set up that I don't have right now.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Family - Spend time with kids and make weekends as fun filled as possible. It's S3's birthday next Wednesday, I might be going there for it in the morning I might not. I will be there if I can. Either way I am having a little party for him at my M's house and asked the kids I know if they want to come. The trampoline is there which S3 is obsessed with and the there's a ride on car that S1 loves too. He wants a vanilla sponge cake with chocolate on so that's what he is getting. I will give him his presents on Saturday so I can spend the weekend seeing him enjoy them. I don't have a lot of money to spend on him but I have got him a selection he should enjoy. The book that we read before bed every night for the last 6 months I have got him a soft toy version of the main character. I can't wait for him to see it and read the book together (for the 450th time ).
- Christmas, I'm worried about this. I know W has paid for most of the trip she planned. All xmas week she will be there with just the kids and maybe her parents or possibly even OM. I know it's 4 months off yet. In the last 4 months W has attempted to come back to me 2-3 times so who knows what is going to happen but the thought of spending Christmas alone or at my parents I find really upsetting to think about.
Me - GAL. I've had a couple of decent GAL experiences over the last few months but they are few and far between. There's not a lot to do in my area other than go out drinking Fri/Sat night. I've never been keen on it but I have pushed myself to do this but it's not the GAL I want to be doing. That's another reason why I'm thinking of going on (or attempting to) a few dates. It will GAL, boost my confidence and hopefully give me more of a perspective. I also know from past experiences the longer I leave it the harder it will be for me to start. Dating isn't really approved here in DB. What are others thoughts on this?
- I really need to get all pictures (or most of them) off the walls in the house. Every time I have gone to do it W has come back to a certain degree and I haven't followed through. The stairs is covered with family, wedding, honeymoon pics and I can't stand to see them. I will keep some for the kids. I will get a load of me and the kids printed and stick them in the frames instead.
- I'm going to knuckle down at work more and be the employee I would want to hire.
- I will keep working on my appearance and my own style that I'm happy with.
Financial - I'm looking to take the house off the market. The only reason for selling the house would be to move to where W lives, D or expense. I want to remortgage so I can be comfortable financially, get out of of debt even if just a little bit so I can buy the kids clothes and furniture. Do things with them. The last few weekends I have spent money I didn't really have to spend so we could do things and what a difference it makes.
- I want to hand of W's car insurance to her. I will give her the money that I pay monthly and she can sort her own out. It's currently under my insurance with me as the main driver and being parked at my house overnight. This is obviously not the case and I think is illegal. I will have some driving convictions coming quite soon too which will make the price rise considerably. W's car will also need taxing and MOT'ing this month. I imagine she will ask for help with that, whether I was willing to or not (should I, it could be argued this is how she gets the kids about) it's not something I can financially afford right now and will have to refuse.
- I have been taking every Friday afternoon off work for the last 14 months now (working the few extra hours at other times). I can't see me doing this much longer. I want to share some of the driving with W. If I have the kids 3 out every 4 weeks and she does one of the weekends worth of driving I will only have to take half the amount of afternoons off.
I imagine quite a bit of this will make W spew molten lava but I believe it's time to start sharing these responsibilities out somewhat. This isn't to punish W. Like the car insurance and kids at the weekend I think it's time for me to stop bearing all these responsibilities.
Wife - Erm...
- Let her live her own life without support from me unless it's specifically about the kids. Even though this should have happened a long time ago it hasn't with the driving, money and weekends.
- Any chance of her coming back and actually putting the effort in feels slim but it always has done. I don't think she ever really got to the humility stage Sandi talked about weeks ago. IF there is a next time instead of her saying lets try and me doing the work (sorting out MC, Retrouvaille, dates etc.) that will be her job. She didn't want it enough, not long term. In my opinion I think she wanted to repair our relationship by pretending it was a new one and for me to get all giddy at the beginning but I had been hurt too much for that.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Dating isn't really approved here in DB. What are others thoughts on this?
I would go with my own judgment on this but if you can use my opinion I believe that if I find myself in your shoes in the future I will date. You have to do this for you and not to hurt W, but as I read your posts you find yourself moving towards this POV quickly these days. Dating doesn’t necessarily include sex! (Before W I did some online dating and had a blast doing this – it’s easy and since I am not the big dater this was much more comfortable to me. Let me know if I should post a little about this.)
Originally Posted By: T1000
I really need to get all pictures (or most of them) off the walls in the house. Every time I have gone to do it W has come back to a certain degree and I haven't followed through. The stairs is covered with family, wedding, honeymoon pics and I can't stand to see them. I will keep some for the kids. I will get a load of me and the kids printed and stick them in the frames instead.
I have done this and followed it up by getting rid of a lot of things bought by W or me and W together. She is not totally out the house but almost and this makes me feel much better at home. Get the pictures done and work through the house! Get footprint and handprints from children and so on – make it a home for you and your children. That’s your family right now! Don’t throw Ws stuff in the bin. Pack it in a bow and put it away – don’t give it to her if she doesn’t ask!
Originally Posted By: T1000
Christmas, I'm worried about this. I know W has paid for most of the trip she planned. All xmas week she will be there with just the kids and maybe her parents or possibly even OM. I know it's 4 months off yet. In the last 4 months W has attempted to come back to me 2-3 times so who knows what is going to happen but the thought of spending Christmas alone or at my parents I find really upsetting to think about.
Close friends? (I believe I will go in that direction since family is either dead or gone!)
I still believe that you should not decide anything regarding W yet – I know you can’t help doing the thinking but leave the deciding for now.
F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
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