Is there's anything left of everything we had...

[Not Quitting]

New thread. Here's link to old thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2379644#Post2379644

I got all this love deep down in my heart
Still right there from the day we broke apart
And baby I tried, but I couldn't let you go
You were tied to me like an anchor to my soul

Ooh, all I wanna know

Is there's anything left of everything we had
Is there a small chance you'd ever want me back
Can you tell me right now should I lock the door
Or will you come in the way you did before
Ooh, just like you did before
Is there anything left of everything we had

Well have I crossed your mind in the middle of the day
Do you sweep it under rugs just to make it go away
Did you leave us in the past where you're too afraid to go
If it hurts too much, baby just say so

Ooh, I just wanna know* Lyrics by Autumn Hill*

This song kinda sums up life at the moment. Only thing is I know the answer - NO.

H has already cancelled this weekend's visit to S13 because he's going our with a friend (translation OW). And before anyone tell me off for mind-reading - H texted to ask when S13 and I were going to the fair. My response was Saturday or Sunday, and around your schedule if you're still planning to join us. His response was that he'd been invited to go on Sunday with a friend. When I replied that he didn't have to come with us, he replied that he didn't want a repeat of the scene a few weeks ago. That was a reference to the weekend that I took S13 away and H and OW just happened to turn up in the same place and ran into us.

The next message from him was "Can you meet me after work tomorrow. We need to talk.". My guess would be that he's finally made up his mind about what he does or doesn't want. I haven't committed to the meeting yet but when I go I plan to be armed with a list of terms relating to child support payments, visitation and contact with OW. We already have a verbal agreement that there won't be contact for a period of time but nothing firm or binding. By putting it in writing it will become binding and he won't be able to "forget" the agreement. When I spoke to a L a few months ago about my rights and options, I was advised that this is perfectly legal as long as it is fair, so I intend to word it "No new partner of either party". I have no intention to get any new partners in the foreseeable future but the wording makes it fair

I think I'm prepared for what I'm pretty sure is coming. I know I'm going to be emotional because this is not what I want. I have to accept that my M is over, my H is so deep in his MLC or WAS or whatever is going on in his mind that nothing I do is going to make any difference. The only thing I can do now is continue to work on myself and stay strong for my S13. He's going to need me more than ever now.

[Not Quitting]

So the meeting never happened. H didn't call to follow up as I'd asked him to and of course I didn't call him about it. Instead I took S13 out back-to-school shopping.

While out I ran into a mutual friend who hadn't heard about H and I until a couple of days ago when he ran into H. He was asking why H would say the things he was. Naturally I asked what he was saying - can't reply if I don't know what was being said. According to the friend, H says our M fell apart for 3 reasons - I won't go out and socialize with him, I won't talk about the things he wants to talk about and our sex life is lousy. I didn't actually confirm any of that to the friend as I don't trust that it won't get back to H. I simply said we were having our differences and that we were trying to work things out. It certainly gave me something to think about last night though.

Posting my thoughts on these here:
1. I won't go out and socialize with him:
- I've never been a heavy drinker and that is H's idea of "socializing" – when I did go, he’d be drinking 2 or 3 minimum to my 1
- until recently when S13 was old enough to stay home alone, we couldn’t leave him alone and we hadn’t been able to find a reliable sitter so someone had to stay home with him – always me as H would decide to go out and meet up with friends rather than stay in with the family
- whenever we did go out, H spent more time talking to friends (who he rarely, if ever, introduced me to) and just about every other person in the bar that he knew - as he has worked as a bouncer at the two bars he frequents he knows majority of people – end result I spent most of the night sitting by myself – why bother going in the first place? Yes, I could wander around the bar with him, but I'd still have been ignored because the conversation with his friends would be his priority.

2. I won’t talk about the things he wants to talk about
- over the last year or so the only two things he ever wanted to talk about are the Legion which I have no involvement in and have always been made to feel unwelcome at whenever I did go there for anything and the Masons which I have no involvement in for obvious reasons – no women allowed
- how can we have a conversation about either of these two things – it would always be one-sided and he would always say “why bother, you obviously aren’t interested” – for the record I did try, but it’s almost impossible when you have no idea what he’s talking about because you’re not involved

3. Lousy sex life
- I’ll give him this one (at least over the last year or so) but with a good reason – when he spends 5 or 6 nights in a row out with buddies, then makes it obvious that he’s only staying home so he can “have some fun with the wife” it puts you off the whole idea – I started to feel like the only reason he wanted to spend any time with me was for sex so yes I would reject him.

I looked at ways I could 180 any of those complaints, but that would only result in me doing something that isn't me. H knew what I was like when we got married - he knew that I wasn't a drinker or a "social butterfly", he knew that I prefer a quiet night in, than a night out in a noisy, crowded bar or club. Until a year or so ago, he had no problem with that. He never had a problem with me not being involved with the Legion, again at least until a year or so ago. And I can't do anything about the sex life when he's got OW and he doesn't live at home any longer.

It appears that with H's current mindset he wants something that I am not and cannot be. He wants someone who is willing to drink, smoke and spend hours on end in a noisy bar, who is willing to let him prioritize his friends, the Legion and the Lodge before them and someone who is still willing to be there whenever he wants sex whether he wants to spend the rest of his time with them or not. That is not me, never has been and never will be. I can't be something that I'm not.

My understanding of 180s is that it can't be forced or it will appear as fake. Well, IMO if I was to become the person he wants to be with that would be fake. If that is the person he's got with OW, then so be it. If he wants to be with someone with the fake hair, the fake nails and tons of make-up (again something he never wanted me to have, and never something I did except for a couple of times when I coloured my hair and he didn't like that either), someone who everyone else who knows us both says is only after his money (not that he actually has any but she seems to think he does), that is his choice. For most of our M he was happy (or so it seemed) with the natural me, not a fake me.

I will do what I need to do to make myself a better person in my eyes, to keep myself strong for me and for my son. What H wants, or thinks he wants, right now is not something I can give him without losing myself in the process. If he ever realizes that he really prefers what he had with me, then maybe, if its not too late, I'll be there for him. I can't wait around for him to come to his senses. I have to move on with my life as if he is never coming back otherwise I'm going to be an emotional wreck (and he'll never want to come back to that).

One of the things I will definitely be doing is to keep reading and posting on here because it's a great place to be. There will always be something I can learn from being on here. I'm sure I might get a few 2x4s for being so negative and bitter, but right now that is the truth of my life and my M.

[TryingToDo180]

Hi NQ, I made it to your thread Well it was only a hop, skip and jump away
The way I read it, your H is only saying those things about you because he's going through a MLC and he's trying to think of excuses why he decided to go it alone. Sometimes as well they say these things to their friends to make them look good in front of their friends and you look bad in their eyes.
I don't blame you for being turned off by him saying to his friends - I'm going to stay in to have some fun with the missus tomorrow night. I fely the same about my H, it was as if that was all he wanted out of our M and half the time I was too tired, no drive or recurring thrush. I still get that now even though H hasn't been here for about 5 months and the doc can't seem to find anything wrong
I think the only 2x4 I would give you is if you feel like giving up then you need to change your nickname, lol.
Try not to think and worry about "the talk", it sounds like he's forgotten all about it anyway! Try not to think and worry about H either, go out with your son and enjoy yourself this weekend He'll soon get fed up the "fake" look with OW if that's how she dresses? Don't change yourself for H, change yourself for you!
When your son is back at college, treat yourself with a new haircut, a manicure or a pedicure, tinted eyelashes and eyebrows or a nice relaxing massage. It'll make you feel and look good and it will be something that you're doing for you and not for him

[Not Quitting]

You're right TTD180, I'm pretty sure he's MLC. Combine that with PTSD and that would make my H a serious mess.

I'm not changing my nickname so I guess I'd better buck up and get out of this funk. Going over the last few days I'm thinking its just a case of things starting to hit home - H hasn't been very chatty, the creditors have started phoning, we just signed the paperwork with the bankruptcy trustee, sis is close to losing her house, and it's been so quiet at work that I've had too much time on my hands and nothing to keep my mind of my worries.

I already had the haircut. The girls at work have taken to referring to me as Jamie Lee (Curtis) because I had the stylist cut my hair in a similar style to hers. Not a fan of people touching my feet and I don't have the spare cash anyway for a manicure or pedicure. I am off to the pool with S13 tonight and there's a hot tub there. I can see some time in there in the very near future.

When we get home I think I'll do what S13 and I did last night. We went onto FB and found some of the comedy pages and went thru the photos. I was a Special Constable in the UK before getting married so we found a Cop humour page. Some of the photos were hilarious and we both had a good laugh. Laughter is the best medicine. And combine laughter with a glass or two of my dad's homemade wine, that should buck me up.

S13 wants to build his upper body strength so I've offered to be his training buddy. He can bulk up and I can tone up. I need to lose a few pounds and some flab. I'm going to work out a training schedule tomorrow at work if it stays quiet - which probably will as my boss is in vacation for the rest of the month.

Thanks for a kick in the pants TTD180. It's just what I needed.

[Not Quitting]

OK, pity party is over!

S13 and I went to one of the local pools last night. Spent nearly two hours either swimming or soaking in the hot tub. When we got home, we curled up together with the iPad and found some humour pages on FB and laughed at some of the photos. Had a good sleep and woke up feeling much more positive. The other thing that has helped boost my mood is getting home from work yesterday afternoon to find a message asking me to go for an interview for a position that will pay more than I'm getting now. Even if I don't get the job, getting to the interview stage in today's job market is an achievement.

The only contact with H yesterday was to let him know that something had fallen out of his pocket when he was visiting S13 yesterday afternoon and that it was on the table for him to pick up today when he visits.

Thanks again to TTD180 for the kick in the pants that I needed to get my PMA back on track!

[TryingToDo180]

Thanks again to TTD180 for the kick in the pants that I needed to get my PMA back on track!
You're welcome You'll probably have to kick me in the pants at some point as well, lol.
Yes I agree, laughter is the best medicine. I also find putting on some music and having a dance around helps as well. I think that's why I enjoyed the music festival as I was dancing to a Madness tribute band.
Everyone over here is raving about "the big bang theory" so I've started recording the repeats. I put them on when I have breakfast and watch another one in the evening. They really help my mood
Sorry to hear about all the stuff going on in your life, but pleased about your interview Good luck! my fingers and toes are crossed

[Not Quitting]

Interesting day at work yesterday. At around 1030 the office was plunged into darkness. About an hour later we're all advised to evacuate the building because the power transformers for the building have thick black smoke pouring out of them. Had the option of going home at that point but H was spending the afternoon with S13 and I wasn't sure I wanted to see him. Some of the other ladies were going to hang around and see how long the power would be down so I stayed with them. We ended up sitting in the sun, having ice cream and chatting until 2:00 when the office manager decided we should go for a beer. I don't drink beer but I went along and had a soft drink. Managed to stretch it out for most of the afternoon and got back to the house about 45 minutes before H left to go to work. He didn't have much to say other than "hi". I had such a relaxing afternoon with the girls (and a couple of the guys) from the office that his attitude didn't bother me at all.

Topped the day off with two hours at the local pool with S13 and a glass of wine when I got home. And one of the best night's sleep I've had in a while.

One of my bosses has already told me to leave early if its quiet today - and it probably will be as it's a long weekend. One boss is on vacation and the other said this morning that she's not working today.

[TryingToDo180]

Sounds like you had an adventure and a good time hanging with the others at work It boosts your PMA when you've got adult time instead of being around the children all the time

[Not Quitting]

Shame we can't do that everyday LOL! It was a really quiet day at work as well so I'm sure I'd have ended up with way too much time to think about my sitch. Chatting with others about anything other than my sitch (and they all know that I'm separated) was great.

Not much adult time over the weekend. Tomorrow will be groceries, the last of the back-to-school shopping, laundry and housework, and S13 has asked if we can watch a movie while having dinner. Sunday I'm taking S13 to the zoo. Monday is scheduled to be a quiet day, with haircut and sorting out my son's backpack for school on Tuesday. I'll probably fill in the rest of the time either doing cross stitch, reading or some other quiet at-home activity.

[TryingToDo180]

I must get back sewing myself, I've been neglecting it for too long now I'm going to a big breakfast at our local church on Saturday - you get toast, cereal and a big fried breakfast and afterwards you have a speaker or a home movie. This Saturday we're watching a local carnival that I was helping out at so I never got to see the procession and neither did my son as he was helping out as well!
Saturday night we're watching a new series of X factor and a quiz show and I'm ordering pizza in Sunday it's Church, H is taking son swimming whilst I go to lunch with a friend. Afterwards me and my son will be watching a sitcom and an episode of big bang theory. Monday it's back to college for both of us. We'll have to get our college things ready for Monday.