I will keep it simple and easy. I have been with my wife for ten years, the last four married. We are late twenties. She had been getting more and more distant the past several months, and stopped saying “I love you” or sleeping in bed with me, saying she wanted to sleep on the couch instead. Two months ago she said she thought I wasn’t happy with her. When I tried to assure her I loved her she threw it in my face and brought up things from way in the past that she said proved I didn’t love her. She said she wanted a divorce. She had already contacted a lawyer. I spend the next two days talking to her and she does a turn-around and decides she was wrong and wants to be with me. The next several weeks are rocky and very up and down as we went to counseling and she would just unload all of this rage toward me saying I was not affectionate enough, not supportive of her or wanting to do anything with her, etc. She asked me to leave the house in late July for just a thirty day separation, saying that she felt she needed time to think about things. The day after I was kicked out I went back to our apartment and did some snooping. Found out she was talking to a few other guys, not explicit sexting but definitely inappropriate conversations about qualities she found attractive in other guys. I confronted her that same day and she lied about the extent of what was going on, and I kept confronting her and finding more and more she hadn’t told me. She had been secretly hanging out with an ex-boyfriend for 6 months and had just met another guy who had a crush on her and who she had been going out with. She kept insisting nothing physical happened and that they were just friends. He had at one point sent her a stuffed animal that I had noticed her carrying around the house prior to me finding out about this emotional affair (which is what I believe it was). So the several weeks following my discovery of her EA and lying I was angry, threw out my wedding ring and three paintings of hers and moved out of our apartment. She would apologize profusely but I let my anger get the upper hand and placed a lot of punishing conditions on her to limit her and control her (no IPhone, GPS tracker on car, etc). We started going to counseling and even though she had been caught in the EA, she kept trying to deny the severity of what happened in front of the counselor and placing blame on me. Every time he would tell her something about her that needed to change, she would literally point at me and say “Yeah, but he…” I thought things were moving along and I was getting over the problem, but over the past weekend we got in another fight about me being too controlling and she said she wanted her car keys back since she did not trust me. Then she changed the locks on the apartment (I’m not living there anymore but I do have some stuff there that is mine still) and said she doesn’t want to talk to me at all until Sunday while she decides whether to divorce me or not. I had a hard time with this the first night and drove around looking for her and calling her but she wouldn’t answer. Yesterday she finally called me back and just raged at me on the phone, screaming that I never did anything for her, I had never treated her right at all, that the only reason she is taking anti-depressants is because of me, that I am incapable of changing, that she never had an affair and this guy was just a friend, etc. I had just started reading about 180 stuff and decided to not argue with her much. I think she was waiting for me to get mad and told me I had an anger problem and said “What, are you going to get mad now?” She eventually got around to asking me what I would want from a divorce, which things in the apartment I wanted to keep, etc. I resisted answering this question at first but did give her answers after a few minutes. She asked also what I would do if I received divorce papers, and if I would sign them or not. I told her I didn’t know what I wanted to do, and that I would think about it. She asked this question a few times and I didn’t give her a yes/no answer. She said she had cancelled our counseling meeting for this week because it wasn’t working (even though we had only been to two sessions). I told her I had remade the meeting and would go myself. She wanted to put all the blame for everything on me. I didn’t argue too much even though I wanted to. I did tell her I loved her and I was sorry for how things had gone, and that I wanted to work on things. She said it hurt her but she couldn’t go through any more pain and had been sick and throwing up from being so upset and wanted time away from me. Then she started asking if I would be her friend after a divorce. I said probably not, since I didn’t think it would be fair to whoever she found if I was still in the picture, and if I found someone it wouldn’t be fair to them either. She said even if she didn’t divorce me, she didn’t want to stay in our old apartment and wanted to move somewhere that I didn’t have the address to so I couldn’t find her. I asked her if she would let me take her on dates anywhere and she said no since she just didn’t want to see me anymore. She said though that if she got a new place, maybe eventually if things worked out I could visit her there and eventually join her there. I asked her if she would still be talking to this other guy, who I think she isn’t talking to right now (according to what I’ve heard from others), and she said she would still talk to him because he was her friend. She told me she wouldn’t “date” anyone though. I told her what she was doing with this guy and going out with him was like dating, and I told her in that case I would just divorce her since I didn’t want to be played. So that’s where we are at so far. Since that conversation yesterday I haven’t spoken to her and don’t plan on speaking to her unless she calls me wanting to talk (which I think will be Sunday). I am concerned about being served with D papers and how to respond to that. Is this a 180 situation? How do I do a 180 when she says I am not loving enough and she is simultaneously pushing me away (I know I shouldn’t pursue her anymore)? I am doing more in my life now anyway with working full-time and going back to school for post-grad work. I am also in good physical shape and have my own friends, just not really close with her friends (one of her complaints). I also want to know what a 180 looks like when served with D papers? Do I be supportive and agreeable and not fight it and sign to get it over with as soon as possible with the door open for reconciliation post-divorce? Do I tell her I want to wait a few months? What do I do other than not calling her? I feel really sick and afraid and I actually puked yesterday, and at least knowing there is hope and a plan to follow and this forum really has helped calm me down a little.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
It sounds like you both would benefit greatly from a counselor that could help guide you on how to communicate in a mature and calm way...although I know it is very difficult when you are hurt and angry. If the MC you went to let her rant without any direction, that is not going to be helpful. I suggest that you should talk to a DB coach that help you come up with a plan that is most likely to bring her closer and not push her any further away. Whether papers are served or not, there is a way to interact and react to her that can stop this run away train. I would look forward to talking to you further. Take good care.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
Sorry you find yourself here. You'll find no better place to try and get your M back on track.
Like Karen says, if you can afford it, talk to a DB coach. They are the best in their field and can give you the professional help and support that you need.
As for your current situation, IMHO, she's lashing out at you because you caught her messing around. It's a defensive mechanism. The old fight or flight syndrome. Continue to work on what you need to and as much as she rages on you, try not to react. Right now you're public enemy number one. You caught her being unfaithful and she's reacting out of fear. Fear of what her friends and family are going to think of her and fear of what it means for her.
When she gets to be like that, before she gets started, tell her that you are not going to be treated like that any longer and are deciding to see if SHE is worth it or not. Turn the tables on her for a change.
She's on the high of the OM. It's fun as a fantasy, but when reality sets in, she's going to have a hard time dealing with it.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thanks for the responses. I am trying to center my power in myself and forget about her and the situation. Music helps regulate emotions.
Basically she had a lot of anger toward me prior to me finding out about the EA. When I found out about it she was ashamed and sorry, and I really made her feel bad about it and called her a lot of awful things because I was mad. I even threw out my wedding ring. She cut off contact with OM and tried to do some of what I wanted, but was still mad at me in counseling from before.
Now she is tired of me punishing her and "controlling" her and told me she is thinking of a divorce and wants no contact until Sunday when she will tell me her plans.
I think if she tells me she wants a divorce, I will tell her ok and give it to her. If she tells me she wants time apart to think about things I am ok with that, but I told her I would divorce her if she communicates with OM, who she told me she doesn't like. I also told her we wouldn't be friends if there was divorce, since I think she sees that as a way out. I am going to try to stay happy and work on me and my issues. If she serves me with papers I will definitely call a DB coach.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
