My W EA was over a year and half ago so the timing isn't conducive to a honeymoon phase, but we've certainly had our up's and downs since then.
The "honeymoon phase" starts when your W tells you that she wants to make things work and truly applies herself -- I think that was more recently.
Originally Posted By: BC39
You asked me recently if she's attracted to me again. I'm not sure. She hasn't said the words. And I'm not sure how to ask her "are you attracted to me again"? She should be fully recovered from her hysterectomy by the end of this week. I think our S life from that point will be telling if the attraction is back or not.
I guess what I was really asking is if her view has changed. She was very hung up on "feelings of attraction" so I was curious if she either now feels attracted, OR realizes that her expectations were unreasonable.
I definitely wouldn't ask her that question, just curious if she said anything to indicate that her mindset has changed.
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I would not ask if she is attracted to you, as it may cause her to over analyze her feelings and may not work out so well for you. You will know when she is attracted without having to ask.
It sounds as though you are almost tentative in your approach to her, am I reading this wrong? As if you are afraid to be "all in" so that you don't get hurt again? Your W will pick up on this vibe and reflect it back, creating a repeating pattern where neither of you approaches all the way.
I would suggest that in order for her to feel attracted to you, you must be doing a great job of meeting her largest emotional needs. You can't to a great job for a bit, then fall back for a while, then do a great job again. It must be consistent. Do you feel that you are doing a good job of this? This is a question that I WOULD ask your wife.
Everything for the last year was going really well. The S was still off but I figured a big reason for that was because her hysterectomy 6 months ago.
Despite everything we've been through I didn't see this coming. I feel devastated all over again.
W said she really loves me but just can't get the intimate feelings back for me. Said she feels depressed, doesn't want to hurt me etc etc
She was talking about things we were going to be doing 5 years from now about 2 hours before she wanted to have this talk last night. In fact she talked about the future often. We're doing a bunch on renovations at the house etc
When I asked her about that she said she was just trying to be positive.
I feel like I'm losing her twice.
The thought of not having my family D8 S6 is pure devastation to me.
M-38 W-32 D7, S4 M-10 BD-May '12 S for 1 month-June '12 Reconcile, Piecing
Well, what can you do? Take it and move on, we just live once and as much as this hurts its out of your control what happened. Hey but good news, you can take care of yourself, live the life you want to live and be happy again.
This is a very painful situation, however a relationship its not suppose to be a suffering mood all the time, neither an enviroment where you are always walking on eggshells, a relationship is more than that.
Let me give you my example, when my W left I blamed myself for everything, stopped living a fully life and tried to change absolutelly everything about me so she will get back....level of success: zero...
Then I went to therapists and all of them agreed on something, I was emotionally abussed, I justified her actions because she was herself a victim of emotional abusse, I was used to take and keep up with everybody issues in order to have them by my side, pretty much I didnt valuebmyself enough.
A few days ago I went out with some friends, one of this friends its a woman who is very emotional abussive, she started to put me down in front of my other friends, tried to always be the center of attention and at the end of the night she was the only one with a car, so we decided to get back home, she was a little drunk and ahe said she was gonna drive, her cousin said she wanted to drive but this woman kept insisting she was going to drive, I told her I wasnt gonna get in the car because I appreciate my life and didnt wanna to take the risk of ending hurt or hurt others so she went nuts , and told me to get a cab, I didnt argue back, got off the car and got myself a cab.
Months ago I couldnt have done something like that, I didnt knew how to set boundaries or how to recognize toxic people, I will just keep up with all the BS in order to not make people upset. I am not like that anymore, very next day I texted that woman and told her not to talk to me anymore because I dont want people like that in my life.
Now, you are emotional so you cant respect yourself and you feel you have to take everything in order to be with somebody, and I am inviting you to work on that, to change what you dont like from you and respect yourself.
She is not in love? Fine, its out of your business, be gentle with yourself, do you really want somebody who doesnt love you? Its her time to figure it out what she wants, your life can be great, its a process and you are gonna keep crying and mourning this for a while but its in her hands to do the job, all you can do is change what you dont like from you, become more spiritual if that is what is calling you, more fit or whatever but its you and only you in the person that you have to invest your valuable time.
Every minute you spend in trying to change her or the situation its wasted time, every minute you spend in working on yourself its gained time.
Now choose, waste time or use it wisely? Partners never come back because we change their mind, they come back because they work on themselves and if they dont, there is nothing that you can do about it, actually yes you can do something....
Accept everything the way it is...
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
-she says she yearns for intimacy and connection. I think we have a great connection, so I ask her to articulate what these things mean to her...she can't
-she compares us to other couples and couples on TV
-I tell her I'm confused because everything seemed to be going in the right direction for the last year. She talked about the future often. In fact, she was talking about the future 1 hour before this latest BD. She said she was just trying to be positive. I know the difference between "positive" and "genuine", but who knows.
-She told me repeatedly during this last convo that she loved me. Told me how great of a husband, father and person I am. How much I've done in the last 2 years (since first BD)
-Everyone around us doesn't understand. She has everything anyone would want.
-A switch went off inside her during EA/BD 2 years ago that I can't switch back on.
-She had a hysterectomy 8 months ago. It possible her hormones have been out of whack for the last 3 years and continue to be. You can see the fluctuations in her.
-I understand there is nothing I can do about it. I continue to try to improve myself. I asked her to go spend some time at her sisters so she could have some space. She came back after 2 days. It is very uncomfortable at the house. I have been lovingly detached. She appears to be mirroring this to me.
M-38 W-32 D7, S4 M-10 BD-May '12 S for 1 month-June '12 Reconcile, Piecing
After a lot of reading yesterday I'm confident she is having at least a partial form of a mid life crisis, and has been in one since BD 2 years ago.
So I went home last night and told her I was going to give her space and time, but a couldn't promise I'd still be standing for the marriage if/when she comes out on the other side. I told her I am hear for her if she wants to talk and that I want to be her safe place. She opened up to me and told me everything that she feeling. She was very emotional.
She feels we turned away from each other for so long prior to BD 2 years ago that she cant get it back even though I've been a different person for the last 2 years. She said she wants to live in the present but has a hard time not thinking about the past and how it molded us to where we are now. She can't flip that switch back on. She reiterated how great she thinks I am, how much I've done in the last 2 years, and how much she respects me, but still can't get the "feeling" back. (she's very tortured inside)
She said she doesn't want to leave but doesn't feel its right to stay. She said if she leaves she has nothing, no job, no money etc. She feels like shes in a lose-lose situation.
She mentioned she hasn't even told her parents of this latest development. Which is very strange as they are VERY close and they are quite familiar with our sitch. W also mentioned she feels she has pushed away and distanced herself from her friends.
She went to our doctor this morning to get her hormones checked. He also mentioned depression to her and the possibility of taking meds. She said she thinks its the stress that making her depressed and that meds would just be masking it. (Again, for the last 6 months I saw very little sign of depression or stress, which is very confusing, but who am I to argue her feelings)
Its all so heartbreaking. I feel our connection to this day is better than most, but I guess she doesn't see it. But she can't articulate to me either.
M-38 W-32 D7, S4 M-10 BD-May '12 S for 1 month-June '12 Reconcile, Piecing
I am so sorry for the latest development in your relationship. I think you handled it the right way with what you said to her. Now, do your best to carry on with your life while supporting her when she needs it but taking care of yourself.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
Do I give her MORE time and space to sort through her feelings?
or
Do I take a hard stance. Tell her there will be no separation or divorce and that she needs to sort through her feelings and figure out WHY she feels the she feels?
M-38 W-32 D7, S4 M-10 BD-May '12 S for 1 month-June '12 Reconcile, Piecing
Just to get this out of the way- are you sure that there's no affair going on here? As you are well aware, feelings of "in love" cannot exist while there is attention on a rival. It's also possible that your W has intermittent contact with the OM that's keeping her stuck. Even thinking about him or checking his FB account can keep her stuck. She has to mourn the loss, decide its over and move on.
Are you sure that whatever needs of hers that you are meeting are her MOST important needs? You may be targeting areas that are important to her, just not her hottest buttons. Additionally, are you doing anything that may be emptying her love tank? A bucket with a hole in it never fills up....
In regards to affair-I don't believe so, but it has definitely crossed my mind. I asked her...she said absolutely not. But who knows.
I'm not sure I was meeting her most important needs as she could never articulate them for me.
I don't believe I was doing anything to empty her love tank.
She does not communicate well. Its even worse when she's emotional. Her whole reason for doubting our marriage is "connection", "intimacy" and "spark". But when I ask her what those things mean to her she can't explain. It's all very confusing.
I understand her concern of "intimacy", but she has put up a wall and won't let me in.
I understand her concern with "connection". (I think our connection is better than most to this day) But when I ask her to articulate that for me she can't.
As for her concern with "spark", I would think that's reserved for the early parts of a relationship.
Whenever these talks come up I am calm and not overly emotional.
My wife of 3-4 years ago would never have looked at things this way. I've asked her before if she's chasing the feelings she got from her EA 2 years ago. She said she was not and they she knew those feelings weren't real.
She seems to be better the last couple days. She's been shopping for things for the house using a lot "we" statements. She still texts me several times a day.
She broke down crying yesterday that her friends didn't do enough for her birthday etc. She's emotionally up and down. But I'm not sure if she see's it.
I am honestly not sure what to do at this point.
M-38 W-32 D7, S4 M-10 BD-May '12 S for 1 month-June '12 Reconcile, Piecing
