There seems to be so many people experiencing the same grief, it seems like an epidemic. I'm not sure how much I can add, except to say me too. For those troopers who want to know my story, here it goes.
My wife and I have had our fair share of challenges: stress/unhappiness at work, infertility, and being diagnosed with several potentially serious conditions. I know we did not always deal with these challenges in an open and direct way, leaving a lot unsaid. However, I always loved my wife. A commitment I repeated to her as recently as last year when she thought I might leave her (which was never something I considered).
Then my whole world was shattered this January when she said she wanted to leave, that she loved me, but was not in love with me. I asked her to reconsider, but she reiterated her intention to leave in February. The very same week she said it was over, my father passed away unexpectedly. She almost did not come to the funeral. Even though she reluctantly attended, she was more concerned with keeping her distance than providing comfort. When I returned home, she said she needed space and time to consider things, that she felt trapped. After the usual mistakes of pursuit, pleading, and rationalizing, I stopped challenging her and accepted a separation. She moved out in April. One of the worst days of my life.
At the time, she only partially moved out, taking only what she could transport in her car. She admitted she did not know what she was doing and I comforted her. She proposed we have two visits a week, lunch together and stopping by the house. I tried to be positive, not talk about our relationship, and spent time GALing (traveling, skydiving, fishing, snorkeling, and even a tattoo).
After BD, I started individual therapy (much to her surprise). I started reading all sorts of self help books. I made sure to change my interactions with her. She admitted to both me and my therapist that she has seen the changes, but is unwilling to give me a chance. After two months, she made excuses every week why she couldn't find the time to meet. (I should mention we both work at the same place, in the same department.) Since then, she has continued to decrease our interactions and increase the distance between us.
On two occasions, she opened up about issues she had kept to herself. In both cases, I was entirely to blame for her unhappiness and she admitted no fault. I was careful to listen, acknowledge, and understand without defending or rationalizing. Much of what she said suggested she had been doing extensive mind reading and score keeping for years. Ultimately, she blames me for everything wrong in her life (career, marriage, family, etc.).
Last Saturday, she tersely indicated she wanted to stop by the house (the first time in a while). I began to panic that she was ended things. Up until then, I held out hope that nothing had happened that couldn't be undone. Our visit went reasonably well, talking mostly about work (the only thing we talk about at this time). As she left, she indicated she really came down to talk about "us", but changed her mind. She was then quick to get in her car and leave without so much as a glance in my direction. I felt the inevitable had only been postponed.
Today, my worst fears were confirmed. She stopped by to "see the cat." We chatted about work. I was careful to look her in the eyes; listen without offering solutions; and validate her feelings. After a few hours, she got up to leave. I had hoped my fears were unfounded when she looked at a self-help book I had on the table and said I didn't need to read those anymore. I asked her what she meant. She said she did not intend to come back. I was careful not to cry or sob, I said I was sorry she felt that way. I said that we had something great together and I still believed that we could have that again. She started to over generalize; used terms like always and never; as well as only see the negatives in our relationship. I asked that she not close the door and that I could never go back to who I was or the way things had been. At that point she left, but I did get a half hearted wave.
I have avoided completely imploding by holding on the belief that I can only trust some of what she says; that her efforts to end it were half hearted; and that it is not over until it is truly over. That being said, I do not have to tell any of you the grief and devastation I have felt this year. Some days, I truly lose all hope.
I have avoided completely imploding by holding on the belief that I can only trust some of what she says; that her efforts to end it were half hearted; and that it is not over until it is truly over. That being said, I do not have to tell any of you the grief and devastation I have felt this year. Some days, I truly lose all hope.
Sorry you find yourself here but you're in a good place on the forum. You'll find lots of support and help.
You're right that it's not over until it is truly over. Give her the time and space she needs. Work on yourself. Sounds like you've already started. 180 what you can.
We all have those days when we're ready to throw in the towel. It's part of the journey you've been forced into. Keep posting, even if just to vent or jounal. Read Sandi's Rules and DR. Read other threads. It's very early days and nothing is going to change overnight so don't expect it to.
The key thing is to work on yourself so that whatever the outcome you are a better person. You've got to try and maintain a PMA, as hard as its going to be. Stay strong.
Both 50 S14 M 16 yrs (his 3rd; my 1st)
ILYBINILWY - 24 Dec 2012 H moved out - 27 Jun 2013 Legally separated - 6 Sep 2013 Closing the door and changing the locks
On two occasions, she opened up about issues she had kept to herself. In both cases, I was entirely to blame for her unhappiness and she admitted no fault. I was careful to listen, acknowledge, and understand without defending or rationalizing.
What she said is totally script for a WAS. Your response was good!
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As she left, she indicated she really came down to talk about "us", but changed her mind. She was then quick to get in her car and leave without so much as a glance in my direction.
She's obviously not sure what she wants, which is also script for a WAS.
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she looked at a self-help book I had on the table and said I didn't need to read those anymore. I asked her what she meant.
Your response should have been- "Yes I do, I'm doing this to make myself a better person."
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I said that we had something great together and I still believed that we could have that again. She started to over generalize; used terms like always and never; as well as only see the negatives in our relationship. I asked that she not close the door and that I could never go back to who I was or the way things had been.
Your response to this was a poor one. You're arguing with her feelings. When you do that the WAS drags out the "always" and "never" ammo just as she did. Don't forget Sandi's tips, especially at times like that!
Keep in mind that even though you've been at it for many months, you still have many more ahead of you. There's no reason to lose hope yet. Have patience!
Sorry you find yourself here but you're in a good place on the forum. You'll find lots of support and help.
You're right that it's not over until it is truly over. Give her the time and space she needs. Work on yourself. Sounds like you've already started. 180 what you can.
We all have those days when we're ready to throw in the towel. It's part of the journey you've been forced into. Keep posting, even if just to vent or jounal. Read Sandi's Rules and DR. Read other threads. It's very early days and nothing is going to change overnight so don't expect it to.
The key thing is to work on yourself so that whatever the outcome you are a better person. You've got to try and maintain a PMA, as hard as its going to be. Stay strong.
You're right of course. But it is much harder in practice. My emotions use to ebb and flow like the tides. I am not use to dealing with the emotional rapid acceleration, deceleration, twists, turns and backward loops. When everything began I had an anxiety attack and later a panic attack. Things have not been that extreme for months, but stable and normal feel like distant memories.
She looked at a self-help book I had on the table and said I didn't need to read those anymore. I asked her what she meant.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
Your response should have been- "Yes I do, I'm doing this to make myself a better person."
That occurred to me almost as soon as I spoke. While I have been working hard to process and respond more thoughtfully, it is hard not to feel pushed when my wife is responding in rapid fire fashion.
Originally Posted By: Dragon Heart
I said that we had something great together and I still believed that we could have that again. She started to over generalize; used terms like always and never; as well as only see the negatives in our relationship. I asked that she not close the door and that I could never go back to who I was or the way things had been.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
Your response to this was a poor one. You're arguing with her feelings. When you do that the WAS drags out the "always" and "never" ammo just as she did. Don't forget Sandi's tips, especially at times like that!
You are right of course. I am slowly learning to break my old communication habits with her. I will endeavor to commit Sandi's tips to memory.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
Keep in mind that even though you've been at it for many months, you still have many more ahead of you. There's no reason to lose hope yet. Have patience!
When we seemed to be in a holding pattern, I could go on for an extended time unhappy, but functional. I am just so very tired losing ground and watching her move further away.
Yesterday I felt such despair. For a time, I lost my wedding ring. While she has not worn hers since BD, I have steadfastly worn mine. I have lost so much weight since this began (50 lbs.) that my ring is loose when in a cool environment, like an air conditioned building. Normally, it would just fall off in my front pocket and my despair would be momentary. Yesterday, it was lost for hours and I thought forever. The symbolism was hard to ignore. I was frantic, turning rooms upside down, re-walking my steps of that day, checking cars, scouring grass and parking lots. I filled out lost and found reports at two different facilities I had been at that day. Then, like a complete fool, I found it where I never thought to look, my back pocket. Normally buttoned, I must have unconsciously had my hand in there and lost the ring when I pulled my hand out. I have to admit, I was close to loosing it. I have since learned about ring spacers and other things you can buy to wrap around your ring to reduce the inside diameter. I don't want to resize it because you lose material and the ring is inscribed.
While at work yesterday, we had a few minutes to talk. She made it quite clear she did not intend to come back, that I needed to move on. She said she liked deciding when to eat and what to watch on TV. (I am not aware that I did anything to prevent her from doing either. There can't possibly be a worse justification for divorce.) When I mentioned that those were things easily addressed, she indicated that she was sometimes afraid of me when I would approach?! I know I am far from perfect, but I have never called her names (truly). I can count the number of times I raised my voice in 13 years on one hand. I have not been emotionally or physically abusive. I have never coerced her to do anything against her will. How can she possibly be afraid of me? Does she really believe what she is saying? Is she telling other people such terrible things? Is this more of only believing half of what she says?
After a moment, something unexpected happened. This stern, resolute person I barely recognize started to cry. At that point, I dropped the conversation. She took several moments to compose herself. Our conversation steered back to work where she voluntarily helped me with something I hadn't even asked her to do. Later that evening, she sent me a brief email about something she thought might interest me.mToday she was a little chatty about work. It is difficult to keep up with these emotional changes.
For those of you who have been holding on, working on yourself, and GAL, how do you deal with the loss of emotional and physical intimacy? It feels like I imagine drug withdrawal is for addicts. I am without intimacy for the first time in 13 years. Socializing with friends does not seem like it even comes close to meeting the same needs.
After a moment, something unexpected happened. This stern, resolute person I barely recognize started to cry. At that point, I dropped the conversation. She took several moments to compose herself. Our conversation steered back to work where she voluntarily helped me with something I hadn't even asked her to do. Later that evening, she sent me a brief email about something she thought might interest me.mToday she was a little chatty about work. It is difficult to keep up with these emotional changes.
Get used to the emotional ups and downs. This is a tough rollercoaster you're on. Your W is confused and doesn't know what she wants. You've got to let her figure it for herself. Giving her time and space is the key. While doing that, work on yourself. You'll find that focusing on you will keep you from trying to figure her out.
Don't try to initiate R talks or intimacy. If she wants to talk, you need to listen, to validate but do not argue or try to correct her perception of things.
Have you read DR? If not, I'd suggest you get hold of it and read it.
Stay strong, you're not alone. You'll find lots of support on here, which is great especially if you've not got anyone else you can vent to.
Both 50 S14 M 16 yrs (his 3rd; my 1st)
ILYBINILWY - 24 Dec 2012 H moved out - 27 Jun 2013 Legally separated - 6 Sep 2013 Closing the door and changing the locks
While at work yesterday, we had a few minutes to talk. She made it quite clear she did not intend to come back, that I needed to move on.
Totally typical WAS script. Don't pay any attention to it. Remember Sandi's rule that says not to believe anything they say and only half of what they do.
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She said she liked deciding when to eat and what to watch on TV. (I am not aware that I did anything to prevent her from doing either. There can't possibly be a worse justification for divorce.) When I mentioned that those were things easily addressed, she indicated that she was sometimes afraid of me when I would approach?!
This is how she feels, don't argue with her feelings. Just tell her things like "I bet that was frustrating, I'm sorry you felt that way." There is probably some truth in what she says, so do 180's on those things that have truth in them. But be prepared, you're going to hear some crazy stuff from her.
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After a moment, something unexpected happened. This stern, resolute person I barely recognize started to cry.
Sometimes they drop the mask momentarily and you get a glimpse of the storm inside.
