The biggest change is going to be money. My W decided that she cannot afford the house. So, I am going to stay. I think keeping the same house will give my kids a sense of stability.
I currently pay all the household bills. So, I have a pretty good idea of what the house costs. Unfortunately, I am agreeing to substantial child support and spousal support.
I spent a few days last week going through the budget. Currently after paying all the monthly bills, I have $3,200/month to cover all other spending (food, gas, clothes, recreation, etc...). After the D is final and my W moves out, I will have $1,200/month. I am currently spending $2,200 - $2,700.
This is going to be a big adjustment. If my W doesn't move out for 6 months, I can pay off some short term debt and bring the number up to $2,100. This seems more manageable.
Starting with my check on the 15th, I am going to start paying theoretical spousal/custody support, putting the money toward paying down short term debt.
This is the reality of my new life. I might as well face it sooner rather than later. My kids are just going to have to get used to Ramen noodles, macaroni and cheese, PB&J and Speghetti. On a positive note, they will be well prepared for college.
I also have to figure out how to support my kids schedule. I will have kids in elementary (D6), Middle school (D12), and High School (D16). School start times are 9:00, 7:00, and 7:30, with returns at 3:00, 3:30 and 4:00.
There is early drop, and an afterschool program for D6. I will have to get her enrolled. If everyone gets up at 6:00, we can all have breakfast together and I can get to work @ 8:00.
I can have the bus drop off D12 and D14 at a family friends after school. I will then pick everyone up @ 5:00 and head home for dinner together.
All I have to do is figure out how to coordinate all the after school activites. Luckily my retired Dad is only 1 mile away. I am going to lean on him pretty heavily.
D12 and D14 are going to have to learn how to do laundry. Currently I do mine, but my W does the kids.
Everyone is going to have to pitch in with cleaning and cooking. We currently have a cleaning service, but I don't think I will be able to afford them.
No prizes for being a martyr. Does w do zero child care currently? Why is the plan for her to do zero in your scenario?
I've been doing the same thing to myself, picking up all the slack, making no demands. It's harder to demand respite, and there's some satisfaction in being "the poor good one" that i am working through and trying to exorcise. My ic has shown me the kids are better off if ii ask h to chip in and step up, demand it. I will get there. She says if i ask, and h refuses to contribute toward, whatever, doing some loads of laundry or groceries, then he should pay me for some respite. Burning myself out does no one good. How about you? Why arent you placing any expectations on w?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Our current schedule is too chaotic. I leave for work before the kids go to school. They usually get themselves ready. My W is usually out and about, so they come home to an empty house.
I have done some soul searching and I want a different life with more structure and stability. I want to be a better parent than I have been.
My wife is very controlling, and I blamed her for this lack of structure. I always thought, "she is the Mom, if this is how she wants to live, so be it". I don't have her to blame anymore. I am beginning to see the price of this lifestyle in D14. I just want things to be different.
We are going to have 50/50 custody. Outside of tax season, we are going to alternate weeks. During tax season, I will have full custody. I am sure that at my W's house, the kids will continue the same schedule they have now. They will get themselves ready for school, and come home to an empty house.
The kids will absolutely have to step up. I will need the help.
I don't view it as being a martyr. I view it as finally having the freedom to structure my house the way I want. My house, my rules.
And since I won't have any money to leave the house, I better make the house someplace I want to be.
AD - I think the big difference between my W and your H is that my W is very engaged in child care (When she is home). We just have completely different ideas on how to parent and how to structure a home.
The plan is for both of us to do "Zero" when the other one has custody. I truly hope that, over time, we can get along better and that this will not be the case. It would really be nice if we can learn to lean on each other. I just don't want to depend on that.
I seriously hope you're exaggerating about not leaving the house because you have no money. Time to get creative about your entertainment.
People do sympathize with you, or anyway i do, but you are a little dramatic. If it's very hardvduring your weeks on but you get actual weeks off duty, you will have the opportunity to recharge yourself, and you will need it. Your kids will benefit more the more ok you can get with your new lot in life. It just suxx but there it is. Find whats good an it will expand.
Wishing you peace and strength through this transition
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
