I am a Newcomer.

[SoLostandAlone]

Hello All. I am a Newcomer. I don't know when anyone will see my post. I hope it's not too long. It looks like there is a huge amount of support here.

My H told me near the big inning of July that he does not love me anymore, doesn't know the last time he did, and doesn't think he ever can again. No ILYBIANILWYA. He got a new job last October that takes him on the road a lot. While I don't think he has met anyone outside of our state, I do think he has met someone at work. I saw one text from "Angel" that said "I love you." That is all the evidence I've seen. I managed to get a number out of him and it belongs to a married girl he works with. I haven't gotten any farther than that. His cell is his work phone, he put a lock on it and I can't do any snooping - which I've read here is probably a good thing. It'll only make things worse.

Our 10th anniversary would be 10/27. I'm sure we won't see that. He is meeting with a lawyer for a "consultation" so he knows what to expect from our upcoming D. It's his second marriage and my first. I don't know when he will be able to file b/c of money, but his Dad seems to have it whenever he wants it. He lives with us too. We are also in the process of filing for our second bankruptcy.

I have 3 SC's whom I love with all my heart. They call me "Mom" and their own has chosen never to come around.

I work from home and have for about 3 years now. I have about 2 friends here who are OUR friends. They wish this wasn't happening too, but we all no no one can help us but ourselves at this point.

I just found out today that with the bankruptcy, we can actually stay in the house that will be foreclosed on for typically 9-12 months before we get kicked out. We just moved into this nice newer house in May. It was nice of him to include me in this monstrous debt of a house. It used to be his mom's house and we lived in a smaller house a few blocks away that his mom owns and rented from her. He plans on moving out of this house the second week of September and going back to rent our old house. The current plan is for me to leave the middle to end of October after our bankruptcy hearing. I have no idea about the legal Divorce timeline as neither of us can afford a divorce lawyer right now. So I guess there is no telling when or how that will come until one of us (him) has the money to initiate it - like I mentioned earlier, he is usually able to get money from his dad when he wants or needs it bad enough. So at this time I'm planning on moving to my sister's - 1300 miles away - after the bankruptcy hearing. She is going to come up and help me pack a moving truck and drive. (He already has most of the money I need for the moving truck - I can get it from him "whenever I need it".)
There are other small details. I guess I will post this for now as I'm leaving for a school orientation. Hopefully someone can see it soon. The shock hasn't worn off yet. I'm completely devastated. My best friend is bailing on me and refuses to allow me time to go to counseling for depression (which he also has) and work on myself or try any kind of marriage counseling. There have also been intimacy issues (on my end) for most of our marriage. So while I knew there were issues that needed work, this came as a big surprise and a giant slap in the face. My sister is doing all she can to help me through this, but I remain - for the most part - lost and alone.

[KarenR]

I am sorry that you are going through this. As far as the financial issues involved you definitely want to get some legal advice. However, to work on the relationship, please call for information about talking to one of Michele's DB coaches. They are experts in helping you come up with a plan on how to interact with him that is most likely to bring him closer and not push him further away. I also suggest you read the first chapter of Divorce Remedy here online or order the book...it does have great information on it. But talking to a coach will help you immediately stay strong, be more hopeful and give you direction. Take care.

[Not Quitting]

SLaA, sorry you find yourself here. You're right, you'll find a lot of support here. You aren't alone while you're on this forum.

Hopefully one of the vets will see your thread and be able to give you advice; I'm fairly new here as well.

I suggest you get hold of Divorce Remedy and/or Divorce Busting and read them. Also read Sandi's rules (posted on 1st page of Newcomers forum). Best way to get off moderation is to post little and often, even if just journalling. If nothing else, venting on here will help.

Whatever you do, don't initiate any R talk. It's considered pursuit round here. Also no more snooping - definitely not good for you. If he's seen a lawyer, you'd be best advised to talk to one - sometimes they will give you a free consultation - this will help you figure out your rights and options.

Focus on yourself - GAL, 180s, whatever you can do. Find something you've always wanted to try or something you haven't done in a long time, a new hobby or something. You're in for a long, rough ride.

Stay strong, keep posting.

[AnotherStander]

Very sorry you're going through this!! Wow, what a list of problems! I can't help but wonder if your H is blaming you for the financial problems and feels like running from you will somehow change things for the better. Hard to say what he's thinking. Have you read DR? I know money is a big issue, but DR is 11 bucks well spent towards getting your life back on track. It'll give you the tools you need to deal with your sitch. in the meantime read Sandi2's 37 Rules and live those tips! Good luck!

[RealityTrip]

Hang in there SoLost! I'm sure you are on moderation so we probably can't see some other things you've posted but just know... we are reading and we are hear for you! Take some time for yourself this afternoon/evening. Do something just for you. A walk? A movie? Anything just for you! And make use of all the resources, chapters and articles her on the DB site until you can get your book. ((((bighug))))

[FlyOnTheWall]

Its really important and equally hard to not go down the road of "What is he thinking". Once that game gets started in your head it takes on a life of its own.

Its so important that in this early stage you really come to terms with the fact its not ALL your fault, but you do have to accept your share of the blame. And get to working on your issues. Its also important to not mind read, and as you've probably read "Believe half of what he does, and NONE of what he says".

I know its nice having someone to talk to, with family members it can be a bit different, cause they don't want to see you hurt, they can give advice that's not always the most constructive. Its important that no one takes a side right now, she be as neutral but supportive as possible. Its not so important to get answers and as it is to just allow you to vent. Its such a fine line.

Understand your husband is in a fog, he's running, he doesn't care, he thinks these are answers to the problems. You cant fix/change what he thinks, just address yourself. Trust me, I know exactly how hard that is to do, especially after just a couple of months. Know that your issues go back many many months or even a year or two, so they obviously cant be fixed in a matter of weeks or a couple of months. Stay positive.

If money is tight, see if your local library has a copy of either divorce busters or divorce remedy. It gets you out of the house, and it doesn't get any cheaper than a 1.00 library card, or even go down and read there a little each day to keep getting you out of the house.

[SoLostandAlone]

Thank you all for your support and ideas. I am in the middle of DR through it slower than I'd like with a lot going on. I put a cover over it. Fittingly, the Dalia Lama's, "The Art of Happiness". It's not perfect. His book is hardcover and the DR I have is not. But I think it's sufficient for prying eyes.

Everyone, including his mom has basically said I should just pack my crap and get out. (They mean that in the kindest of ways, and as someone previously mentioned, friends and family will not give don't always give the best advice.)

[SoLostandAlone]

I have DR and have been reading it when H isn't around. I put a cover over it, ironically, The Dalai Lama's "Art of Happiness". I'm about halfway through, but b/c of the current relationship between H and I, DR says not to ask for or talk about anything right now. Hardest things, as most of you know are - 1) he doesn't touch me or want to be near me, and of course, doesn't say "ILY" - b/c he says he doesn't love me anymore. And 2) until I got to that part of the book. I was still telling him every night before going to sleep that "ILY". I've always felt like we never know what tomorrow might bring (which has certainly been proven), and it's important to let him know that I do love him in case something happens while he"s out on the road. So not telling him that every night before going to sleep internally kills me. I can't believe that in a few short weeks, he won't be next to me in bed or even in the same house. Aggggh this hurts so much.

I've been informed that with a bankruptcy, you are usually allowed to stay in the house being foreclosed for 9-12 months. Our middle S15 (they are my stepkids for the past 10 years) has decided he would like to stay with me in this big house. H, his dad, D17 and S11 will be moving back down to the old house the week of 9/8 - it's about 5 blocks away. I don't believe I will have much interaction with him. His job has him on the road a lot, so he'll be depending on his dad to take care of D & S. This is kind of an unexpected chance for separation without calling it that. He has made clear he wants a D, but was advised not to pursue D until bankruptcy hearing is over. That is mid to end October. Psychiatrist said Friday that I am not bipolar - just very depressed. I couldn't tell her the last happy time I could remember. Depression has really affected me. Made some med changes - too late - what I just switched to is supposed to help with sex drive. H doesn't want me to touch him and he doesn't touch me. Am hoping since I finally took step to see psychiatrist and not just family doctor, that her changes will do some good some how. I will still be seeing psychologist as well. So right now, I am not moving 1300 miles away in the near future. I don't know if this time will make miracles happen, but I will be working on myself and hoping for the best. H still spends much of his time texting, but says there is not OW in picture. I don't believe him. He never liked texting before and used to hate that I insisted he have a cell phone. Since getting new job in October, H now only has and uses work cell. He texts all the time. All the time. I don't need to see texts - I'm sure they would just hurt. I would just like to know truth if there is someone else out there. Who of us doesn't want to know what we are up against as far as competition when we are trying to work on saving our marriages? We have 3 dogs and we are finally seeing the most positive results we have seen yet with getting our middle dog over liver failure. She is only 4 and 1/2. She has been a real fighter and now her liver levels are coming back down to a normal range. Her pancreas levels still need work through diet - the only way to help her. Unfortunately, she will be moving to the other house. I'm sad, but grateful that I won't be 1300 miles away for now and will still get to see her frequently. Our two other dogs will stay with me. One is older and one is a year younger than the one leaving. I know they will miss each other as they are best friends. I will insist on frequent visits from middle dog during the week so they can play together and some sleepovers too! THEY have been my constants through all of this. Still devastated, shocked and confused. Don't understand how this could happen. H knew full well that my greatest fear had always been losing him. Apparently that doesn't weigh too heavily on his mind. Was informed last week that my job is being offshored, so no telling how much longer I will have it. There is a possibility of a new job from a friend that sounds promising. Won't be working from home anymore, so will miss my dogs terribly during day, but at least it will provide me some distraction and socialization on a daily basis that I don't experience now. Maybe even friends. I still don't want this D more than anything, I wish H would just wake up one morning and tell me he doesn't know what he was thinking and doesn't want D, but the chances of winning the lottery are better than the chances of him feeling that way. Don't understand how things with so so wrong and he never gave me any idea. No chance to try to work on things. No telling me anything was wrong like we'd always promised each other so we wouldn't end up here. He is a different person man than the one I married. My soulmate died sometime around June I guess. Trying not to cry. I know it doesn't do any good and H shouldn't see that. Makes me feel worse physically with headaches and stuffy nose. Still praying that God can give me strength, courage, comfort and wisdom. That he will guide me and show me the direction I am supposed to go. Don't know if this last minute idea of staying until bank asks me to leave in 9-12 months is his way of saying "Stay and fight. I've heard your prayers and am with you." Or just a fluke. Thank you all for your support and prayers. You each know how much I need it.

[SoLostandAlone]

This text messaging is really killing me. I know we aren't supposed to try to be "snooping", but I just want to know the truth. He never used to text like he does now. He insists that there is no one else but goes out to smoke for hours and texts. I can see it's texts through the window. It's not games or Facebook. It's texting. It's not crazy to want to know 1) the truth, 2) if you have unknown "competition", 3) what that competition is. No army goes into battle without knowing their enemy and having a battle plan. I don't need to see all the texts. Just to know whether it is in fact another woman or just different friends. He does all this using his work phone. He doesn't have a personal cell under our contract anymore and even if he did, his dad just took the kids to start a new contract and take over all but my phone. I got through most of the day calmly, but this evening has been a tear fest - trying not to let him see. He still wants D. At least, he hasn't said otherwise. This is a hopeless battle. He is stubborn and when he sets his mind to something, he doesn't change it. I have no money to try to work on my appearance even for just a new haircut. My new med seems to give me a little bit of energy, so I need to get to exercising to lose the 50lbs I gained working from home. I had LASIK in 2004 and the 20/10 vision I had after that is no more. I've been back in glasses for the last few years. These may all sound like small things to some people, but it took me a long time in my life (27) before I actually felt anywhere close to good about my appearance. I look like crap. I feel like crap. I can't stop thinking about the inevitable demise of the most sacred relationship I've ever been in. I am in such a dark place. In a fog. I don't know how to move on. He probably won't even care if I get myself back to good. I'm sure he's already found my replacement. I am so angry and bitter and confused. I have few friends to talk to and they don't help all that much either. Everyone is sorry I'm going through it. I still cannot comprehend how it happened. He tells the kids he loves them every night and I remember when I got to hear those words to. I didn't appreciate them. He says I wasn't tender or affectionate. Was I really that bad? I try to remember. I always asked him to kiss me goodbye in the morning when he left for work. There were some kisses when he got home. I tried to hold his hand when we were in the car going anywhere. How did this go so wrong? I am going insane with if's. We won't be sleeping in the same bed soon or even under the same roof. I remember the very last kiss I gave him telling him I wanted us to grow old together as he was leaving for one of his last few road trips. I will never feel his lips again. I will never be with him intimately again. Why didn't I show him the affection he needed? Why didn't he tell me how he was feeling? How do you just stop loving someone you've been with just about every day for 10 years? How do you do that to your best friend? If this is who he has become, why is it so hard to let him go? He can't initiate the D until mid October. He will still be in the new love stage with whoever it is. Of course he'll initiate it. I need to talk to a lawyer this week, but what steps usually happen when? Can I deny a divorce? Can I request court mandated counseling? Will his anger over forced counseling subside? Will it help? When he leaves should I give him a copy of Michele's SSM and ask him if he could at least do me a last kindness and read it? So much of that applies to me and my intimacy issues. Why won't he give me a chance to work on these things? He dropped IDLYA on me out of nowhere. Is asking for some time really asking for that much? He knew. HE KNEW my worst fear our whole marriage was losing him. Why is this happening?
Dear God. Please give me strength. I am falling apart. Please give me comfort, courage and wisdom. Please guide me to the path You want me to take. Please take some of this pain away - it hurts so much it's unbearable. It's all I can think of Lord. Please show me Your will. Please lead me where You want me to go. Please don't leave me like he has done. If my marriage can be saved and restored, please God show me what You want me to do. Please Lord remove the toxins seeped between us and into our marriage. Please help me God. Please help me. Please help me heal. Please Lord give me the strength to overcome this pain. Please show me they way You would have me go. I cannot do this alone. I cannot bear this without You. Please let me feel Your comfort. I gave all I had to this man. Please step in and help us through this to a stronger marriage that You are the center of. I don't know what to do Lord. But there has got to be some better way for me to fill this emptiness. This void. Please wrap me in Your kind and loving arms Lord. My life is Yours, Father. I ask these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Heavenly Father. Amen.

[Not Quitting]

You don't need to see those texts. It won't help and will probably make things worse. Don't try to initiate any talks about your M. There's a lot of things that will go against your natural instinct in DBing, but you've got to go with it.

You've got to focus on yourself. There is nothing you can do to change your H. You said "I look like crap. I feel like crap". You've got to remove those negative thoughts from your mind, as hard as it is going to be. Set yourself some goals - you started when you said you about how much weight you need to lose. 50lbs is a major goal so why not change it to losing 10lbs by a set date. Once you reach that goal, you set another one for more weight loss until you reach that target you've already mentioned.

You need a PMA to get through this, whatever the outcome. And you're not going to get a PMA with those thoughts running through your head. Find something you've always wanted to do, or something you stopped doing but wish you hadn't, and do it. Something that will keep your mind occupied so that you don't have the time to think about what is going on in your M.

Don't try to figure out what he's thinking. The only thing you can know for sure right now is that he's not thinking about you, the family, his M. You can't take anything he says or does personally. It's not going to be easy, but please remember you are not alone. Use this forum to vent. While you're on moderation your posts won't show right away, but the more you post the quicker you'll be off moderation.

Remember you're not alone. You need to stay strong for yourself and your SS. Work on improving yourself. It's not going to be easy, it's not going to be quick. You're going to have bad days and even very bad days but you'll also have good days.