First of all, I apologize for my last rant. My W perfect facade is crumbling in my mind. The pedestal I had her on is shrinking the more actions I see her take.
I went to see my psych this AM. I have weened myself off all anxiety meds.
The mental health professionals all say ive done an amazing job. They say I should be a "role model" for others to follow.
I get frustrated and beat the snot out of myself because I think my evolution should be faster. Everyone has their own journey and im becoming impatient with my results.
Then it happened. I got the "dope slap" The Dr. looked back one year - to the week. 60 lbs heavier, higher dosages of meds, BP high, talking about all my anxiety, how I hated my job, how I was so bored and was stressed out and miserable hyper-focusing on obtaining the certification.
She actually asked me one year ago "What about your life makes you happy?" My response......."I dont know"
"I DONT KNOW" WTF! No mention of D3, or my wife, or my friends, or all the money we had back then, or the trips wed take, or the "trappings of success".
What a difference a year makes.I will NEVER go back to that. I still have MANY changes to make but im an exponentially stronger person who is so much better equipped.
My problem was that I was using the return of my W, the rebuild of our marriage as my subliminal success measure - I cant do that.
I have my goals laid out and have nailed every one. That is all I can do.
W and I communicate now only in regards to co-parenting and property management. Ive realized that we both go on the defensive when the other makes an attempt at communicating to the other. Love will NEVER have a chance to happen like this.
This "GIFT OF TIME" has been heavily used. I just wish id have the OPPORTUNITY to bust out my 180 moves.
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
Even though I have only been working on changes for a few months it is still incredible to see how far I have come. Keep up the growth positive I gain a lot of hope and insight from reading the vet's posts. Keep em coming.
W and I communicate now only in regards to co-parenting and property management. Ive realized that we both go on the defensive when the other makes an attempt at communicating to the other. Love will NEVER have a chance to happen like this.
This stuck out to me. My W and I started off not communicating much 1+ month ago when she first moved out. We had constant arguments a couple months before that. Now we seem to be corresponding via email or txt or in person on a daily basis. We're co-parenting well it seems.
W was monstering and I was reacting a lot at first, but now we're actually getting along pretty well and have had a couple decent R talks. Nothing's changed, but we're really listening to each other and learning from all of this regardless.
What I've found is that if I focus on being direct in my communication style, having no expectations, keeping my ego in check and striving to be kind, our interactions go pretty well. If any of those pillars get out of whack, things get intense and often go south. Now, sometimes intensity is OK and sometimes conflict is OK, but while DBing it's probably best to have fewer of these heated situations.
In the end is this going to lead to R? Hmmm.. I'm doubtful at the moment, but W did tell me that though she still has no love for me, she respects me more lately. Regardless, I try to remind myself that I'm changing for myself no matter what happens b/c that's what I want.
All we can do is keep our focus on ourselves and becoming the best we can be in all our relationships. In the end, something will work out either with or without our Ws. Let's keep the progress going!
ETC
"Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
PS, the fog is not only the WAS's domain, we have one too. It begins to lift as we make the changes, become stronger and realize what we need and what we want, as opposed to what we thought we wanted or needed.
We begin to see our spouses as their own people, not extensions of us or our marriages etc. That is really valuable, I think
I get frustrated and beat the snot out of myself because I think my evolution should be faster. Everyone has their own journey and im becoming impatient with my results.
Boy, can I relate to that!
Quote:
The Dr. looked back one year - to the week. 60 lbs heavier, higher dosages of meds, BP high, talking about all my anxiety, how I hated my job, how I was so bored and was stressed out and miserable hyper-focusing on obtaining the certification.
Boy, can I relate to that!
Quote:
She actually asked me one year ago "What about your life makes you happy?" My response......."I dont know"
"I DONT KNOW" WTF! No mention of D3, or my wife, or my friends, or all the money we had back then, or the trips wed take, or the "trappings of success".
What a difference a year makes.I will NEVER go back to that. I still have MANY changes to make but im an exponentially stronger person who is so much better equipped.
Boy, can I relate to that! To me, that's one of the harder parts of the switch, the knowledge that I took something that was so important to me for granted. I'm getting the feeling you feel the same way, is that right? We've got to forgive ourselves, man.
[quoteMy problem was that I was using the return of my W, the rebuild of our marriage as my subliminal success measure - I cant do that.
I have my goals laid out and have nailed every one. That is all I can do.[/quote]
Boy, can I relate to that!
Quote:
This "GIFT OF TIME" has been heavily used. I just wish id have the OPPORTUNITY to bust out my 180 moves.
Boy, can I relate to that!
I'm proud of you, buddy. Keep walking the path you're on, you're doing great, and I know things are going to turnout amazing for you one way or another!
Ruby, I fully agree with you and only starting to see and understand that now, 10 months down the track.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Ruby- the fog is lifting- and I'm seeing little rays of sunshine......and it scares me. Could she have actually done me a favor?
Etc- you are 100% correct......no expectations. Straight, steady, perpetual motion. BE THE TORTOUS
Thanks to you both
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
PS- Good for you!!!!!!!!!! I am so proud of where you've come to! This journey takes us all to places we never thought we'd be--some good, some not so good.
But,most of us will eventually see what you are seeing (I hope) that our H/W actually may have done us a favor by forcing us to re-evaluate our own actions, our own lives...to become a better person and to change our perspective about life and our R's with others.
What have you and your backpack done recently?
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
..that our H/W actually may have done us a favor by forcing us to re-evaluate our own actions, our own lives...to become a better person and to change our perspective about life and our R's with others.
Should we tell them this? I actually think I have on a couple occasions. She didn't disagree with me! hehe
ETC
"Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
I have, actually. I even went as far as to say that if he hadn't left, if I didn't force the issue, that I may not have been there a year later. That by his own admission he didn't love me. Those vibes are felt.
I said that he tends to have a pattern of making people do things by causing it, so he doesn't have to take responsibility. In this case, I ventured, if he pulled away enough, I would leave.
I gain a lot of hope and insight from reading the vet's posts. Keep em coming.