Remind me, please that it's normal for the WAS to be hot and cold? After D's procedure on Thurs H continued to be kind, but a bit more distant..perhaps because we had spent quite a bit of time together Weds and Thurs? I went away over the weekend and he had D. We exchanged a few pleasant texts. Sunday when I got home I asked if he would ever consider moving back in, as things had been going well for a few weeks. I knew the answer would be no, but felt God prompted me to ask. Of course he met with a no way. Said two weeks is not long enough to know I've changed, and that in the back of his head he wonders if I'm just acting like this so I can say I did everything possible to save my marriage at the end. Also said he feels bad for me, but isn't sure what he wants and is all messed up in the head. Then said he's wondered if there's anything he should apologize for over the past eight years and can't think of anything. It took everything in me to let that comment go. I cried, which I shouldn't have, and he hugged me before he left, said it would all be okay, then whispered he loves me. That man confuses me to no end. Today he seems more distant and said he only wants to talk about positive things..no more about OW (EA), his choices, what he wants, etc. At the very least I'm happy he now says he doesn't know what he wants vs he's 100% done.
Me: 26 H: 28 T:8 M:5 D:2 BD:4/1/13 Separated 6/6/13 Filed separation 6/21/13 Waiting for D papers to be served, H says filed
I don't understand why you keep pressuring him. He's right...two weeks is not much time to trust your changes are real, and it seems he's got some soul searching to do. Stop pushing him.
You are wrapping an awful lot of expectations around your encounters and that's setting you up for a lot of disappointment.
Didn't I already mention the squirrel analogy? How about the castle?
Squirrel Analogy:
If you try to feed a squirrel by hand, you have to hold perfectly still. It will slowly come to you, but even if you don't move, it will sometimes get scared and retreat. But it will return, and get a little closer each time. If you get impatient and make any move towards it, it will run right back up the tree and the entire process starts all over again from the beginning. But if you remain patient, it will come closer and closer until it will finally take the nut from you.
Castle Analogy
Imagine that the WAS is inside an impenetrable castle. WAS is deep inside the castle walls and has no desire to see the outside world. The drawbridge is up and there's a moat all the way around the exterior. WAS has his/her own world right there inside those cold, stone walls.
Then there's you. You're sitting on the other side of the moat. You've got a nice blanket laid out on the cool, green grass, and you're enjoying yourself by having a wonderful picnic all alone. You're absolutely content with this, and aren't even concerned with the castle and the WAS within (in fact, you've got your back to it).
Eventually, WAS gets a little curious about what's going on outside the castle, and decides to take a peek over the walls. WAS sees you, just sitting there enjoying yourself. He/She is surprised, because previously you had been throwing rocks at the castle, singing and dancing in hopes of getting their attention. WAS is wondering what you're up to, and why you're so content. After a while, WAS decides to lower the drawbridge and join you at your picnic. WAS sits down, and you just act as if -- you're happy, confident, etc. Suddenly, WAS realized where he/she is and what he/she is doing, and it scares the hell out him/her. WAS jumps up and dashes back to the castle for no apparent reason. You however, didn't even budge or flinch. WAS peeks back out to see what you're doing, and notices that you're still sitting in the same place, enjoying yourself without concern. Again, WAS is surprised, and eventually comes out again. This time WAS stays a little longer, but again gets spooked and runs back. However, you're still not deterred from enjoying your picnic. The WAS's visits begin to happen more and more, and they last longer and longer. Once he/she realizes that there is no risk for him/her (i.e. that you won't bring up the R, pursue her, get angry, become needy, etc), WAS begins to reflect on things, and begins questioning his/her choice to go to the castle. In time, WAS decides to bring up the R, and this is when you can discuss it with him/her because WAS is ready and has initiated the talk.
Love the castle analogy...thank you! I was pressuring him and I shouldn't be, you're absolutely right. I continue to struggle with resentment when he says he can't think of one thing he's done wrong and paints himself as victim, but I realize that's how is has to/is going to be for now. I also continue to struggle with showing him the love and affection he's asked for and making sure he's not cake eating as he continues to talk with the woman he swears is a friend...but I guess I don't have much to lose on that front. I've found I can detach somewhat from what I'm saying, and while I truly mean it I don't hang my hat on it bringing him back. Rather, I'm doing it for me as it allows me to show him things he's accused me of being incapable of demonstrating.
Me: 26 H: 28 T:8 M:5 D:2 BD:4/1/13 Separated 6/6/13 Filed separation 6/21/13 Waiting for D papers to be served, H says filed
Breakdown, I love the castle analogy! I'm going to re-read this over and over when I become impatient and want to text/call!
I'm having a hard time detaching, especially when my husband is being so nice and affectionate. Every time I feel like I'm in control, he reels me back in!
FLS, I have a lot of similarities with you. My husband and I have been together since we were young and have a lot of similar problems as you. My husband thinks I am mostly at fault for our marriage problems. Which I agree to somewhat but it takes 2! He also continues to be the victim. I took my husband for granted as well and didn't treat him well over the last year. His complaint is that I didn't show him love or do the little things for him anymore and he thought we were more like roommates.
I am with you with it being hard as heck to detach when they give you hope. My husband is also very hot and cold. I just keep telling myself to be patient!
I also don't want to be his plan B and be around when he wants me to be. That's why GALing is so important.
I'm going to continue to follow your thread, and wishing you the best! Keep GALing and stop pursuing behavior. I had to do this and I started to see a change and my husband started initiating. Try it for a while and see what happens, he'll wonder why you stopped texting/calling like the castle analogy above.
