I don't know that it would be a deal breaker, more I don't want people calling it something it's not..maybe that's something only I can decide?
H and I texted most of yesterday, just flirty fun stuff, and again this morning. Speaking of breaking rules...I texted him and asked "Am I being dumb here by saying the stuff I do? Does it even matter or mean anything, or is the end result going to be the same either way?"
He replied back: "That's not a very fair question at this point. I definitely like this new nicer you. I was 100% done..."
Me: "I know, I understand. But do you still feel that way now?"
Him: "Idk. That's not a fair question. Because everytime in the past when you were nice you ended up getting crazy and it just kept hurting more and more...so I said I'm not going to just put myself out there again unless I really felt it was different."
Me: "I really don't want to pressure you. I love talking to you and telling you how much you mean to me. But if you still feel 100% done or think you might enter in another relationship please just let me know. Thanks. Love you."
Him: "Idk, I just need time."
I get what he's saying, I do. He asked me to not respond to him in anger by yelling and calling names. He had every right to ask for those things and I should have granted them. However, it remains scary that he may just be stringing me along. It also remains frustrating that, while the way I expressed anger was very wrong, he fails to see any responsibility in his part of the cause of it (being out till 2AM almost every night, not helping with D at all, etc).
Me: 26 H: 28 T:8 M:5 D:2 BD:4/1/13 Separated 6/6/13 Filed separation 6/21/13 Waiting for D papers to be served, H says filed
I know how you feel, I felt the same way. What I found after doing the work on me is that I no longer care if my H voices what he sees as his responsibility. MWD says one person can change a M, I believe it is true because even though I felt that my H never took full responsibility for what he did, it is in the past and he acts a lot differently now that I am different. Does that make sense?
Your h's behavior was a symptom of the problem, not the problem. Keep focusing on you and truly become the person you are being today.
Your H is confused because you are someone new, someone he was waiting for you to be and he is afraid to trust that it is real or permanent. Relationship testing is not going to help. It is hard not to do it, however, it may push him away if he feels you are just doing this to get him back.
He said he WAS 100% done. Keep doing what you are doing for YOU, and it sounds like there is a possibility that by doing so, it will give you another chance at your M. Resist all urge to ask if what you are doing is helping, he isn't ready to commit and that is pressure.
Keep up the good work..
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
That makes a ton of sense. He's basically said just that before...that he was wanting me to make these changes long ago. And I agree, much of his behavior was in response to the way I acted. Though I do also think a small part of him was a little resentful for getting married young and having a child "before he was ready" as at times he's voiced those things as well.
Me: 26 H: 28 T:8 M:5 D:2 BD:4/1/13 Separated 6/6/13 Filed separation 6/21/13 Waiting for D papers to be served, H says filed
I agree with LTH. It's going to take a long time to get to a point where H believes your changes are real...and what you show him is going to matter more than what you tell him. I think it was at least 6 months before my W started believing my changes...and we were still living together, seeing each other every day. It's going to take time.
Try to drop the expectations...that doesn't help. Don't be nice because you expect it to change things...be nice because that's who you are.
Check out the 37 rules again....sounds like you are pursuing quite a bit, and while I don't think you have to stop it completely, I do think you need to back it down a bit. Let him have some space while you dig into YOU.
I guess I'm just scared of the ever looming D date...I know people do get re-married, but...just hard to think about. Regardless, I know I'll never go back to yelling or calling names because I truly do feel like a different person who has deepened her relationship with God and has sought personal counseling. That part will definitely remain and cannot be changed. The other part (what he thought was lacking) is him needing to feel love/affection/admiration from me. I feel I need to show that but, yes, probably do need to back down on the pursuit a little bit.
Me: 26 H: 28 T:8 M:5 D:2 BD:4/1/13 Separated 6/6/13 Filed separation 6/21/13 Waiting for D papers to be served, H says filed
Me: "I know, I understand. But do you still feel that way now?"
Don't ask these questions. He's still done. If he ever changes his mind, you are the first person that will hear about it. When you ask you're applying pressure and WAS's HATE pressure. For now he's full-speed-ahead to D. Nothing you say or do will change his mind, only he can do that.
Quote:
Me: "I really don't want to pressure you. I love talking to you and telling you how much you mean to me. But if you still feel 100% done or think you might enter in another relationship please just let me know. Thanks. Love you."
Again, don't do that. That's pressure. And don't say you love him, and don't tell him how much you love talking to him. You're in full-blown pursuit mode. You are firmly establishing yourself as Plan B. He will NEVER come back to you as long as he knows you're clinging to him. He doesn't need to. Freshen up on Sandi2's 37 Rules, read them multiple times a day if you need to.
Quote:
It also remains frustrating that, while the way I expressed anger was very wrong, he fails to see any responsibility in his part of the cause of it
Exactly. He won't come back unless and until he can come to grips with what HE did wrong in the M and can own HIS mistakes. Some WAS's never get there unfortunately.
Sometimes I feel like our sitch is unique because I truly was not nearly as nice to H as I should have been. Nearly all of his complaints are valid in terms of my nagging, fighting dirty, disrespecting, and failing to show him love. He feels beaten down, disrespected, unloved, etc. There is a lot of truth to why he feels that way, as I took much of my stress regarding D's health problems and other things out on him, and failed to recognize that I was not speaking his love language even though he told me such. I read a lot of other posts on here and it seems like y'all are mostly pretty great people. Sure there are mistakes here and there, but I feel responsible for the bulk of our relationship falling apart. I guess that's why I feel like I'm at his mercy and need to do everything I can to not only show change, but also show I really do love and like him.
Me: 26 H: 28 T:8 M:5 D:2 BD:4/1/13 Separated 6/6/13 Filed separation 6/21/13 Waiting for D papers to be served, H says filed
"I do get where you're coming from and I'm sorry. I'm just not sure I want anything right now, as in I want to be alone so I can figure out what I want. That's why I said I need time."
I told him I understood and appreciated him letting me know. It feels unfair. It feels selfish (especially when he asks me to change custody time and barely sees D). It feels like he's lacking accountability. BUT there's nothing I can do about any of it except for to give him what he's asked for: space. Balancing that with keeping positive convos going will be the challenge.
Me: 26 H: 28 T:8 M:5 D:2 BD:4/1/13 Separated 6/6/13 Filed separation 6/21/13 Waiting for D papers to be served, H says filed
I guess I'm just scared of the ever looming D date...I know people do get re-married, but...just hard to think about.
Yes, it is a bit unnerving, but ultimately, it's just a piece of paper. You can slow down the process a lot of ways....the easiest of which is simply letting your H do all the work. And there's hope even post D (seems to be working in my case ).
Originally Posted By: forlovessake
Sometimes I feel like our sitch is unique because I truly was not nearly as nice to H as I should have been. Nearly all of his complaints are valid in terms of my nagging, fighting dirty, disrespecting, and failing to show him love. He feels beaten down, disrespected, unloved, etc. There is a lot of truth to why he feels that way, as I took much of my stress regarding D's health problems and other things out on him, and failed to recognize that I was not speaking his love language even though he told me such. I read a lot of other posts on here and it seems like y'all are mostly pretty great people.
I don't think you are in the minority at all. I'm sure all of us are guilty of not being the best we can be, taking our significant other for granted, and not focusing on the right things. Some of us have been worse than others, but rarely is it all one persons fault.
The good news is that you are learning, you are seeing things you didn't see before, and you are changing. A lot of people never get to that point! Hang in there and keep the focus on you for a while.
Today was D's endoscopy and biopsies. Hard to watch her go through that, but good that H and I are in a kind of good place. He gave me a hug after they put her under, and was very friendly with his mom and sister in the waiting room, whom he's not talked to much since he left two months ago. D is doing well, by the way
Yesterday when I got home (his evening with D) he hung out on the couch watching TV with me for 45 minutes or so. We made mostly small talk, but he also mentioned that I had gotten an invite in the mail (he got the mail that day as he has D at our house) and it was addressed to me + "guest." He seemed perturbed by this, which is awfully ironic. He has a wedding next week and (although I shouldn't) I came back with was he going with EA girl? He said he wasn't sure...might take someone else, might go alone. To me, this is positive. He did not say absolutely yes, didn't tell me to bug off, etc. Seemed to acknowledge I had a right (kind of) to the question as he had just asked me one). I jokingly said I would go as technically I had been the one invited months ago, per the invite that's in our cabinet. He said his friends (new friends, by the way, who've never really met me) would kill him as he's told them all how awful I was. Well that's comforting! Glad he's basing decisions off of what others think...not sure how to overcome the friend factor as I have no connection with the new friends, and he's dropped our old friends who he knows think he's wrong.
Me: 26 H: 28 T:8 M:5 D:2 BD:4/1/13 Separated 6/6/13 Filed separation 6/21/13 Waiting for D papers to be served, H says filed
).