Turtle Goddess she of the hard shell soft

[mizjjd]

Prior thread "Run and Hide Your Crazy"
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...502#Post2375502

''Turtle Goddess
she of the hard shell
soft underneath
awaits enormously
in a dark grotto
the young Heroes....'' Denise Levertov

Would that I had a shell to hide within! A literal one, not the figurative emotional/intellectual shadow shell we all carry.

I continue to plod along at top turtle speed. H initiated a R talk the other night. OW is facing some flak from her H since his discovery of my communication. (I sent the letter via FB back in March.) H feels my position of there being no room in our M for OW - in ANY capacity - is unreasonable. But I think he started to hear me, that I have no intentions of being with him while she is in his life.

"I don't think giving me an ultimatum is smart for you"

"There is no ultimatum H. I am not threatening you. I am telling you the decision has already been made.
First by you, then by me. It is done."

I don't think he believes me. I think he feels his charm is enough to overcome.

His pain came through too in his R talk. It wasn't so much of an R talk, actually. More of an H talk.

He doesn't know what he wants to do. He wants to be with his parents.

And then?

He doesn't know. With me? By himself, being a hermit?

He doesn't mention being with OW. I don't know why this is. Maybe he doesn't actually envision a future with her? But he says he MUST always keep a connection to her.

He said they had agreed once to break off communications. But then he went into a panic and had to talk to her again.

The mean part of me hopes terrifically that he goes into a panic when I no longer have to talk to him.

The mean part of me is evil. Vile. Vengeful. Mostly locked up, but sticks her talons through the bars every now and then.

Goodness. Having a malicious turn right now. Must shake that off.

I have chores and oh yes of course, work. I think I might need a day off soon. Although, H has told me that because I only usually work 4-6 hours at a time, it doesn't really count.

Oh! And he said another H original! Gotta share!

I was recounting my day, which happened to include answering a phone call from a confused lady. She thought my wonderfuljob was involved with a backpack give away. We aren't. I asked my superiors if they knew anything about it. They didn't and advised me to just tell the caller "no".

Instead, I made a couple of phone calls and found the place that is doing the giveaway. This made me happy - that I was able to help the caller.

Later on the same day, I opened a letter mistakenly sent to wonderful job that should have been sent to some government entity so an 88 year old man could receive some sort of assistance. I had to do some sleuthing, but figured out where to send that letter. Go me! Twice in one day!

Drumroll.

H says, "You are just the go above and beyond type aren't you? You know, that really annoys some people." And he points to himself.

Peace!!

[reachingHigher]

Thanks, mizjjd, I was just reading your last post as you were reading mine.

Your H baffles me. Is he really charming when he wants to be? He seems Type A that sometimes has depressive tendencies? And it seems he always wants to control you. And I perceive that you can take very good care of yourself, thank you!

I was reading and rereading your signature line. Did you write it?

There have been times in my life I used to love to go above and beyond the call of duty, this time not being one of them. But I appreciate very much someone who does do that! Good job! I'm sure the recipients of your efforts were NOT annoyed!!!

[mizjjd]

Is he really charming when he wants to be?
He can be. Or once upon a time he could be. Its hard for me to be objective now, so I'm not a good judge. But H can exude a certain charisma. I definitely think he is depressed, and has been for quite some time.

And I perceive that you can take very good care of yourself,
Not as good as I should, but I am working on it. Thanks for the vote of confidence.

There have been times in my life I used to love to go above and beyond the call of duty, this time not being one of them.

rH, you must give yourself a HUGE break. You have done so much. Aren't you exhausted? I think you always go above and beyond. Maybe you don't "love" it right now, but you still shine bright lady.

I was reading and rereading your signature line. Did you write it?

Not at all. I stole it from a poem, copied below. But I do like it very much. There is so much in this poem that speaks to both sides of MLC sitches.

The Layers by Stanley Kunitz

I have walked through many lives,
some of them my own,
and I am not who I was,
though some principle of being
abides, from which I struggle
not to stray.

When I look behind,
as I am compelled to look
before I can gather strength
to proceed on my journey,
I see the milestones dwindling
toward the horizon
and the slow fires trailing
from the abandoned camp-sites,
over which scavenger angels
wheel on heavy wings.

Oh, I have made myself a tribe
out of my true affections,
and my tribe is scattered!
How shall the heart be reconciled
to its feast of losses?

In a rising wind
the manic dust of my friends,
those who fell along the way,
bitterly stings my face.
Yet I turn, I turn,
exulting somewhat,
with my will intact to go
wherever I need to go,
and every stone on the road
precious to me.

In my darkest night,
when the moon was covered
and I roamed through wreckage,
a nimbus-clouded voice
directed me:
"Live in the layers,
not on the litter."

Though I lack the art
to decipher it,
no doubt the next chapter
in my book of transformations
is already written.

I am not done with my changes.

[reachingHigher]

Wow mizjjd, that's so beautiful! The whole poem speaks to me, as now that we are into this life -- MLCish M, as sometimes I feel like I also fall prey to the call of midlife transition and crisis ... I hear the call from both sides now!

In the poem I love the "darkest night" as there have been a few in my life, now including H.
Also, "I am not who I was" which is true for me as well as H. I shouldn't have been so judgmental of him!

Yes, I'm exhausted, and today, a bit down and depressed too.

I feel like I need an internal refreshment somehow. It's different from when I was standing in limbo. I'm not standing any more, sitting, more like. And I do think this M will last if I don't falter and screw it up. I do feel like my H, changed as he is, will stay. I'm just sort of shell-shocked.

I don't think DB coach will help at this point. So...maybe just giving myself a break, as you said, and doing some internal pampering?

Thanks for the poem. It's so lovely. I needed that today!

[BrightFuture]

Mizjjd, your H is annoyed by your kind actions because he probably wants this “go above and beyond” directed towards him. And one of the things he wants is your complete “understanding” of his desire to keep OW around. I’ve read the story of the man who was in MLC and described his experience where he remembered that at some point in his MLC he wanted his wife, but also OW, and he could not understand why he could not have both. Later, when he came to his senses, he finally understood the absurdity of this. I think this blog was taken off line, it used to be called “Newmans Blog”.

Mizjjd, you are doing great job enforcing your boundaries regarding OW. I hope your H will wake up one day and realize how foolish he was.

[mizjjd]

Hi BF! Hi again rH!

rh, I hope you do get a break and find your refreshment. (Isn't that a coca-cola ad?) You know how when you push/pull something really heavy your muscles continue to feel stressed even after you stop the push/pull? I think thats where you are rH. The load has altered, but your "muscles" haven't adjusted yet. This, like everything else, will probably take some time. Be gentle with you, you're the only you you have

BF,

thanks for stopping by! I did a google on Newman's blog and it looks like it may still be at least partially available.

H has no problem at all thinking and even expecting me to be in his life along with OW. He doesn't see at all how she takes from our M. In fact, he rationalizes that because she makes him happy that should translate to our M also being happier. (Doesn't seem to work the other way. My unhappiness doesn't affect H.)

I appreciate the good wishes Idk that I share them, but I am thankful you share your hope with me!

[RosaLinda]

Wow J, poor OW, facing flack from her H for having an A with YOUR H! Well fancy that! What does OW and her own H propose to do about it? She might make the decision for your H!

"H feels my position of there being no room in our M for OW - in ANY capacity - is unreasonable. But I think he started to hear me, that I have no intentions of being with him while she is in his life.

H has no problem at all thinking and even expecting me to be in his life along with OW. He doesn't see at all how she takes from our M. In fact, he rationalizes that because she makes him happy that should translate to our M also being happier. (Doesn't seem to work the other way. My unhappiness doesn't affect H.)"

Yes, that sounds like Newman Hart's description of his own position during his own MLC. I think he has a new blog for men in MLC, something like "the house on a rock" or "a house on the rock"? Newman wrote that he woke up suddenly, like Wonka did. Not slowly like rH's H did. I'm rooting for the sudden awakening for all of our Hs!

Anyway, if we look at your H's thought processes wearing T2's goggles and white lab coat to protect us from any icky craziness getting on us, that statement in itself is proof that your H is in a MLC, if there was any doubt! My H is under the same delusion. We should both be perfectly happy living with our Hs as best friends, and just thrilled for them that some OW makes them happier! It makes your head spin. As if I wasn't nauseous enough already from this double vision!

Your unhappiness does not seem to bother your H, but maybe your H is bothering OW's H since he is giving her flack! We can just hope! I think your H is going to wake up one of these days, either on his own or with a little push from OW's H, and come out of his MLC tunnel! I just hope for his sake that you are able to keep hanging in there that long. If not, his loss.....

That is a great poem J, thanks for posting the entire thing. It made me cry!

[mizjjd]

Wow J, poor OW, facing flack from her H for having an A with YOUR H!
H explains that OW is "sensitive" and "volatile" so having to deal with "all this" is hard for her and wasn't fair of me. Although he says he understands why I did it. I felt it was extremely fair. I have been on the other side - the blindsided spouse side - and personally I would want to know. My letter was basically a "heads up" to OW - H.

What does OW and her own H propose to do about it?
According to my H "they are working on it". He followed this with a snort of "good luck with that." I asked him why he said that and he said that OW has been unhappy with her H for a long time - if he hasn't been able to make her happy for years H reasons he won't be able to still. (OW MLC? I strongly suspect so)

She might make the decision for your H!
That was my hope when I wrote the letter. That either it would spur H and OW to run off into the sunset together or it would make my H mad enough that he would leave. He says it did make him mad, and I can figure out when he/they learned of my letter because there were a few days of distance from my H. But, he's still here, and is no longer distant.

that statement in itself is proof that your H is in a MLC,
I do think H is having an MLC. But I think its either an extremely long one or there is more going on for him. He's just been a donkey for far too long imho.

That is a great poem J, thanks for posting the entire thing. It made me cry!
You are welcome? Don't cry? Lol, not sure what to say. But I agree, the poem speaks to MLC/LBS sitch.

****************************

We sold our pickup truck yesterday. The plan is to buy a gas-easy car with about half of the proceeds and put the rest in the bank.

H is considering the pizza biz again.
H is considering becoming a long haul trucker.
H is considering moving in with his parents and becoming a hermit when they die.
H is considering a membership at the local health center.

J is considering crawling under the bed.

Lol. No, not really. Well not my part. The H part has all been "considered" in the last 24 hours.
Whatchagonnado? Lol.

Peace!!

[RosaLinda]

your poem made me cry, but it was a good cleansing cry. much needed sometimes. How long has your H's MLC been going on J? Mine is 4 years this month, and it is sheerly wearing me out! You said you are reading that Munson book right? She got all sick of DBing and wanted a deadline after 3 1/2 months. Sigh....

Thanks for sharing his insights about OW's sensitivity. Poor girl, this is SO hard on her! Sounds like you're right, two MLCers zoomed in and found each other with that special MLC radar.

I like your H's list of considerations! Very MLCish! Can we all add suggestions? Um...forest ranger? Professional ice hockey player?

[mizjjd]

How long has your H's MLC been going on J?
Idk when to start counting from.

1992 Married
1996 Twins born, vasectomy, 1st affair(s). H attitude 180, nice to nasty
1998 First affair I find out about. H attitude increasingly nasty.
1999 H's fave sister dies
2001 H's business shut down
2012 I find emails to current OW

If I take H's word for it, he had affairs from 1996 - 2001. Idk how many. I know of 2 confirmed PA, 2, maybe 3 EA. He has confessed to anywhere from 3 - 13 - 20 additional PA's. H doesn't count EA's because he "doesn't believe in them".

From 2001 - 2012 H was "ok" by what I was used to. Not at all ok compared to what I've read here.

So Idk how long. An eternity.

You said you are reading that Munson book right?
I bought it onto my kindle but haven't started reading it yet.

I'm finishing up Cheryl Strayed's Wild: From Lost to Found. It tells the story of the author's coming to terms with her mother's death through hiking the Pacific Crest Trail. It is a terrific glimpse into a damaged psyche.

“What if I forgave myself? I thought. What if I forgave myself even though I'd done something I shouldn't have? What if I was a liar and a cheat and there was no excuse for what I'd done other than because it was what I wanted and needed to do? What if I was sorry, but if I could go back in time I wouldn't do anything differently than I had done? What if I'd actually wanted to f___ every one of those men? What if heroin taught me something? What if yes was the right answer instead of no? What if what made me do all those things everyone thought I shouldn't have done was what also had got me here? What if I was never redeemed? What if I already was?”
― Cheryl Strayed, Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail


Professional ice hockey player?

Oh but RL! Don't you know, he coulda been!! Lol Remember, he is Canadian and did play when growing up. And just ask him, he was fantastic

Take care! Thanks so much for visiting. Feeling a bit of quicksand underfoot these days