We started to argue about this and in short our arguments got pretty nasty. She wanted me to spend more time with her and with our daughter.
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As we were fighting, she would tell our daughter that I was a family neglecter and a deadbeat dad. I in turn got ticked and would call her the b-word, etc.
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Things got so bad that at one point I told her that I wish she would just die so that I could have some peace.
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I told her she wouldn’t be able to make it and that hurt her a lot because growing up her family told her similar things.
OK, you really need to take a step back and read what you wrote in your OP. The above is full-blown emotional/ mental abuse. You have been severely abusing your W. You really need to understand just how damaging your behavior has been, because now you're pitching an absolute hissy fit that you've been DB'ing briefly and you're not getting your way. Do you really expect to heap months (years?) of abuse on your W and then expect her to come running back into your arms after you've "changed" for a few months? You're being unrealistic. You've got to learn to shut up, back off and give her time and space. OWN what you did. UNDERSTAND that she needs a LOT of time to forgive you and get past it. Stick to your changes for good this time, DO NOT backslide or you will lose her forever. She has given you some very positive indications, but if you start the abuse again I don't think she'll ever be able to trust you again. So make your changes permanent, and give her time to appreciate that you've changed for good.
As for the OM, he's a symptom, not the cause. Your behavior is what caused your current sitch. DO NOT confront or pressure your W about OM, you're already on very thin ice. It sounds like she's still invested in making the M work, so just give her time and hopefully she will sort things out. Make yourself the better option, the spouse only a fool would leave.
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I did my 180s so fast that my wife thought I was being fake.
This is normal. It takes many months (sometimes years) before a WAS will start believing the changes are real and not just tricks to get them back.
Also, quit snooping. If you keep it up your W will catch you and she will be very angry. And she will go deeper into hiding with her activities.
I think I remember reading somewhere back in time, that the 180 of doing chores (ironing, washing clothes/dishes, etc) means nothing to the spouse.
I think Sandi said that was the case with her when she was nearly a WAW, her H did these things and it had zero impact on her. My W said something similar when we were in MC, she actually resented me taking over all the chores, she felt like I was trying to push her out of the house by showing that I didn't need her. The point isn't that we shouldn't do 180's on things like this, it's that we shouldn't expect our changes to make a difference to a WAS in the short term, and in fact in the short term changes may actually make the sitch worse. It's like 25 says, consistent actions + time = change your S can believe in.
What makes this so tough is that I am the cause of all this. I neglected and abused my wife. I was such an idiot, such an $#@!. I do have a lot of positive things going for me and I should be happy with that.
She keeps talking about future things she wants to do around the house like put new flooring, etc. So I guess that is a good thing. She keeps telling me that I need to finish school and do well so that the sacrifices the family made are not for nothing.
One thing about this process is that it is teaching me to love unconditionally. Although my wife is cheating on me, I am still her husband and that does not excuse me from acting like one. I must do what works and not react/go by my emotions. I must think each action though and really be there when my wife needs me without being pushy or needy. Right now I just want to pour my heart out to hear and tell her how much I love her. Our anniversary is coming up and all I want to do is go all out but I know that I probably can't/timing won't be right. Each day I must choose to ignore what I know and love her the way she wants to be love right now.
Right now it is hard to believe that my wife will ever love me again. God gave her back to me once and I feel like my chances are done. I keep thinking about what she said the other day how she almost divorce me in May but wants us to work. She mentioned that she is messed up and needs to go see a counselor. She already had the name and # of a place she wants to go to. Last night I was asking her if she thought she was ready to go. She didn't answer the question but said it was too expensive. I told her that when it comes to health there is no budget and to just send me the bill. I want her to be whole, to be complete. To fill loved, joy and happiness - with or without me I want her to be happy. She was really hurt that I did not push her to go see a counslor when she was going through all her personal issues with her past/family. This cannot be about me. It has to be on what her needs are (time, space, freedom to explore and find herself). She told me back in May that she lost herself and that she was going to do things on her terms so she could figure out things. Then maybe after she worked on herself she would consider working on the marriage. All I know is that I want her to get the healing she needs, of which a lot of the damage was caused by me.
Ahhhhh.Scream....this pain is too much. Yet, I deserve it. I did this to myself not my wife; not this scumbag. I just want to die at this point. Ahhhhh....My life [censored]. I wish I could go back and redo everything. When I had the chance, I should have loved my wife, cherished her, treated her like the beautiful princess she is. I can't handle this. How can I compare to this scumbag. I was the mental abuser. I was the neglecter. $%#@ my MBA. I quit. I cannot endure this. I love my wife so much but I am weak. I am not strong. I am trying to fight for my marriage but I feel like my efforts are futile. I feel so needy right now. So empty. Family is all that matters. No work, school or anything else. My wife doesn't care about me anymore. She doesn't love me anymore. Why would she. All she sees in me is a letdown. Someone who can't be trusted. I am the worse of all sinners. I can't function at work, I can't keep focus. My world is crashing. And it is all my fault. #$% you lovenomatterwhat. Ahh...I feel so defeated. Nothing I do numbs the pain. The thought of her with someone else is digusting. Why....I know the answer why. It's because I screwed up my marriage. I screwed up my life. I know there is hope. I know that with God all things are possible. This seems like an impossible matter. I don't know if I can go on for several more months like this. Every Tuesday and Thursday is when she goes sees this scumbag for several hours in the evening. We should be spending that time together as a family, as husband and wife. Not with this scumbag. Is there a rope. Is there a gun. can someone put this dog out of his misery.
Before I knew of the affair I thought we were making progress. she stopped being very cold. we were talking more, she was calling me by my pet name. I just don't know anymore
lovenomatterwhat, we all go through this (and some may believe we deserve this) feeling of it is all our fault. Yes we have to accept our level of fault. But as the old saying goes "it takes two to tango". My W is at fault (not that I will tell her) for not telling me her feelings in a way I could understand or listen. It is not my fault what my W does now in our separation. It is not my fault if the W wants to split the assets, or not transfer back to the city or files for divorce. That is her choice, and her choice alone. My fault is the way I acted to her, to family and friends or to myself. All I can do is repair my faults or even better improve on my faults. Simple as that.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Confused and Lost. I am so sorry for what you are going through. It's like repeating a tragic death over and over again everyday that they don't decide they want to work on the M. I am new here. I have a similar sitch with my H. He is texting someone. I think from work. But after I saw one of their messages (H and "Angel", where one of them said I Love You to the other), that was really all I needed to know. H uses his work cell and has it locked down with a password, so I can't get to his TM's even if I want to. Such a crap situation. I'm still in shock myself. Still breaking down when he's gone to work. Crying and breaking down is a daily event. How can you be expected to leave your life - to be kicked out of everything you've known for 10 years - and just be fine with that. The person who used to love you more than anything now has no love for you at all. The crying isn't going to stop anytime soon.
_________________________ H: 39; M: 36 (August 13) T: 10; M: 10 (October 13) SD: 17; SS: 15; SS: 11 H tells me he doesn't love me and wants D July 2013
Hi SoLostandAlone. I am so sorry for your situation. I understand the pain. It is definietely like a repeating death everyday. I hope the situation turns around for you. Please keep posting here - this is a great forum with great support. The next several months to a year are going to be tough but we'll get through this somehow. In the meantime we will cry, press forward and somehow come out better with or without our spouse.
Last night my wife was tired so she tired go "walking" to see OM. She went straight home and straight to bed. At around 3 am he sent her a text. We sleep in the same room but in separate beds so I can tell when she is on her phone since the light goes off in the room and she moves around to hide what she is doing, etc. Anyway, after about thirty minutes I got about to go to the restroom and when I got back I asked her if she was up since she was moving. We talked for about thirty minutes. The conversation was light and friendly for the most part. Earlier she had wanted me to help her with some work stuff but she was asleep when I got home. I was teasing her how she likes to punch when I try to wake her up. She laughed. My wife has a lot of past issues with her family and the mental abuse I gave her earlier this year opened up past wounds. She has been wanted to go to counseling at a local church to deal with her issues but always brought up how it is too expense. So yesterday I paid for several sessions and told her last night about it. She was appreciative. I told her whenever she is ready, whether that be today, two months and two years - its available for her to use. I told her that I want her to be healthy both mentally and physicially and that there is no budget when it comes to health. I also asked her if I can take our son to church on Sunday when she goes walking on Sunday. She told me that she would like to take him to a different church on Sunday evenings (she hasn't gone to church in over 4 months - probably since the affair began). I asked her if I can go and she said she guessed I could go. Somehow that lead to a discussion about God. I told her that I've been learning to trust and depend more on God. That I've given Him my wife, my daughter, my dreams, etc. When I told her that she quickly jumped in and said "hey, you don't want me or our daughter." I told her that I do but that only God can give me that. That unless God is the center of our marriage and house, that it would never work.
In the morning I had to wake her up since she was very tired. She asked me if I could help her with some work stuff. So I tired for about an hour (I was 30 minutes late for work today but I was glad I could help). She called me twice later at work to help her over the phone with somethings at work. Apart from that, I really haven't heard much from her.
Today was more productive than the last several but the pain is still there. I am still very sad and feeling hopeless. I cried pretty hard today doing lunch (drove around before finally eating). I am thinking about talking to a lawyer (not to get a divorce) but to make sure I have things in order in case it doesn't work out as I don't want things to get nasty. Don't know if I should at this stage. A friend of mine suggested I get a licensed private investigator to gather evidence in case of a divorce. At this point I am expecting the worse while barely holding on to hope. If it wasn't for the OM, I would be in must higher spirits (and I was until I discovered the affair).
At this point I am really scared and afraid. I mainly think about my daughter and what is best for her. I don't want her to experience the pain of separated parents. At night I read to hear and spend time with her and it is so hard not to cry. I am definitely going to fight for joint custody if the divorce goes through. This is so tough. I will write later.
