I'm new here

[Makingchanges]

Hello everyone I have been reading this forum for a few days and decided to join. Here is a bit of my story.

W and I Have been together 10 years Married 7. We have 2 children from our M and we each had a child from a previous relationship. After the birth of our first child our R began to decline. Neither of us were good at expressing our needs or wants and we began to grow distant. About 2 years ago W got a book on staying married for the sake of the children and poured herself wholeheartedly into it. The problem with that book was that it had nothing to do with having a loving meaningful relationship. It was only about being civil and not fighting. At first I thought it was a good thing because we no longer fought, but over time the lack of all types of affection really started to get to me. I made a mistake then and started only thinking of myself and being angry with her about the lack of affection. About 8 months ago I told her I could not continue the way we were going. She responded by saying we needed to seperate. In the heat of the moment i agreed. About a month later i fully realized that I wanted to keep my W and i told her that. She then told me that we would stay separated because thats what we had decided and then she stated that she wanted us to see other people. For the next 4 or 5 months we stayed sleeping in the same bed, but not really working on anything. After repeated requests for couples counseling that were rejected i finally got so frustrated i started to give up. At this time W still had not been talking to anyone. I decided that I was going to try the dating thing. She actually helped me create an online profile on a dating site. After a few weeks i began talking to someone fairly regularly through email and text. One day the W took notice and asked her name. she then proceeded to look her up on FB and google. Then she told me she seemed like a nice woman and I should ask her out. At this point I really felt that she no longer cared at all so I proceeded with the date. I had very poor self control during the date and when i returned home the next day it really hit the fan. The W was more emotional than i had ever seen in our entire time together. She cried more that night than all the other times combined. I realized then that she did care and what i had done was a huge mistake. The next day we worked on a separation agreement and parenting plan for living in seperate homes and had it notarized. After a couple days of cooling down we ended up having really good talks every night for almost 2 weeks straight. I then went through all of the no no's of begging pleading and smothering. She finally agreed to work on our friendship, but she was still going to date. About 2 months ago she began talking to an ex that she had dated breifly who lives in the same town as us. She also began talking to men she knew from highschool. She told me the first time before she went on the date with him. She explained that he was an alcholic and thats why she left him the first time, but he was a "nice guy and a good friend". She said she couldn't be with someone like that long term. She also said his GF of 8 years just left him for being an alcoholic. She went to the bar with him and came home after a few hours. I was still devastated ( i know it sounds hypocritical considering what i had done, but that is how i felt) Following that she bagan talking to the om on a regular basis. 2 weeks later on a friday ight she went out with him again as soon as i got home from work. Said she woiuld be back around midnight. She went to the bar then his house ( she had texted to tell me that) then she didn't come home until 4am was drunk and wearing a diff shirt than when she left. I confronted her ( bad I know) and asked if she had slept with him. She refused to answer and got really mad. I spent the next 2 weeks feeling completely depressed and crying all the time and being an all around miserable person to be around. About a month ago i decided that i was not going to give up on myself,my family, my W, and my M. I went to the Dr. and got on anti depressants, began to fix things around the house i had ignored for years, re-enrolled in school, started spending lots of quality time with the kids, journaling to help understand myself better, and began rediscovering my passions. I wrote a goal plan and showed it to the W. She said it would be like any other time and i would keep it for a week at most....its been 5 now :)I began to feel better about myself, but then i made another mistake...i began to look at phone recors. She was still texting that om all the time. I got really down and sought out her family to understand her better. I ended up calling her stepfather. He is a great person whom i respect and care for deeply. he treats me like a son which is good since i have not had a relationship with my own father for the last 14 years. He gave me great advice about focusing on myself and being strong. After that talk I didn't call anymore people. Well a few weeks went by and the step father called the W to ask her how everything was. She said he sounded strange and so shestarted asking questions. She found out that i had talked to him. This caused another huge fight. She had not told that side of the family and felt i had no right to go behind her back to do that (i agree) I apologized and things calmed down after a few days. I then brought up the M and relationship again (mistake) and explained that i wanted to eventually work on more , but really wanted the friendship. She then told me that she felt like i was making her out to be the bad guy. She also said there was no chance of us ever working out. She said she had no romantic feelings towards me and that the talking to her family had been the ultimate betrayal. I accepted that , but still continued with the improvements on myself. About a week ago she told me she understood why i had called her step father and i could call him again if i wanted. On Friday her brother in law texted and was asking about my M and i was a bit down again that day so i talked with him about it. W was looking up phone records during that time and blew up again. This time she said she wanted a D or S so i couldn't make her out to be the bad person anymore. When i talk to others i talk about the parts i played in getting here and sometimes my feelings and fears. I realize that i am ignoring boundaries that she has put up. I just struggle with my emotions so much when i see her because i am still ILWH. I am trying to separate the person from the memories but since we still live together (sleep in seperate rooms) I can't detach very well. We cant afford to live in different places. She homeschools the kids and is a stay at home mom. My closest family is over an hour away and would be too much of a commute to work. I might be able to house sit for a friend until it sells. I am just at a loss. I don't want to leave, but it seems to make things worse by me staying. I am still working on my 180s. and she has noticed, but she was mad about a lot of them.it was a "why didn't you do this years ago" thing.

That was a lot, but that only scratched the surface. your thoughts and advice are wanted and encouraged.

[KarenR]

Well, as you know there has been a lot of behavior on both parts that have not been helpful or even acceptable to a loving relationship. I hope that you can talk to a DB coach asap...just you, getting insight on how to go forward in a way that can make a difference in her reaction to you. There is so much to learn about how to handle the situation you are in. It is also critical for the kids to have parents on the same page for co-parenting whether you are together or not. I would be happy to discuss this further with you. Take care.

[Makingchanges]

update- money is extremely tight right now. I can only get either DB or DR right now. Which one do you recomend I get first?

[AnotherStander]

Read DR ASAP. Do it before you do anything else because much of what you've done to this point is the opposite of what you should be doing and has pushed your W farther away. Read Sandi2's 37 Rules and live those tips!

Regarding moving out, generally we advise the LBS to never move out. That is the WAS's decision to make. Stand your ground. If your W wants to separate, then let her make the tough decisions of figuring out where to live and how she'll pay for it. Also keep in mind that kids see the house as "home" and they don't want to be displaced from their home, especially when the family is breaking up. One more reason for the LBS to stay home.

[Makingchanges]

I will be ordering DR today from amazon so hopefully it will be here by friday. Another thing I am wondering about is what to do about my privacy. She has trust issues from lies in the begining of our relationship. She is still snooping in my emails and phone records. I want to be open with her, but I want her to feel comfortable to ask to look. I have no problem with her looking because I have nothing to hide; I just don't feel comfortable with her snooping without my permission. I don't want her to think I am hiding things either...I am so confused.Should I go ahead and change all of my passwords?

[Makingchanges]

Last night I found a journal that she had made a list in. it spelled out about 10 things that she was unhappy with me about. Some of those things were issues she told me about and others were ones i was not aware of. Some of the things on the list were ones i have already begun to 180 The rest I will decide if they are good things for me to change for myself. At least I have something to work with. -feeling more focused

[Makingchanges]

Struggling to detach.....
She just went out with someone. I didn't ask, but probably om. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. The kids are asleep so i think i will.

[Makingchanges]

I feel better today after a full nights sleep (first in over a month) Work has been slow, so I am able to read more posts and reflect. I re-read my goal/180 list and will keep focused on that. Still waiting on DR though. Still on moderation so I will be slow to respond, but please comment on any of my posts. Your insight and words are much needed. -wishing everyone well on their journey

[Makingchanges]

Yesterday was a little rough. I have been working long shifts for the last 2 weeks straight. Generally I am able to stay busy and not dwell too much on the sitch, but yesterday was not one of those days I got home a little before dinner so i took D3 on a walk Before bed I read to D3 and D6 like always then it was time for singing. We sang some of the usual twinkle twinkle, ABCs, and Mary had a little lamb. Then D3 requested 3 little birds. We have been singing that one a lot lately since both girls love it. D6 sat on my lap and we were both holding D3's hands and singing to her. I realized in that moment that no matter what was going to happen....everything was gonna be alright. Maybe I won't get to do that every night in the future, but right now I will love and cherish every moment like that I have been dim with the W. I am trying to be careful about that because one of her major complaints was me checking out. I can't 180 checking out on her because the pursuit pushes her away. I have become as involved with the kids and household as possible. I hope some vets stop by to 2x4 me if I am messing up Still waiting on DR.

[Makingchanges]

I got DR on Friday and read it over the weekend. I am definitely in the position for sng LRT. I have been keeping steady on my 180s. For a gal I have been getting active in Masonic lodge. I had not gone in years. It has been really good to surround myself with good positive people. I got a very poor performanca assessment at work due to letting all my personal problems overtake my work. Because of that I was not allowed to work over the weekend. This stressed out my W even more. I backslid a bit yesterday when we got into an argument over finances.I did walk away once I realized what was happening. I've gotten better on the snooping. I only checked phone records twice in the last week. Something did come up over the weekend that I'm not sure how to take. There was an event happening over the weekend that W and I really wanted to go to.while I was at a fundraiser om contacted W and offered to buy her ticket (we had no money to go) and take her. When she told me about it I asked why she didn't go. She said we didn't have money to pay a babysitter. We have family close to the event that would have watched the kids. So I really don't know why she didn't go or why she felt the need to tell me. I know I shouldn't look too deeply but it could be good or bad. Either she didn't go bc I would have been bummed about not going or she wanted to rub it in that I'm could have taken her. I'm still feeling very lost