Don't know if it is okay to innitiate intimacy

[workinprogress]

I've been reading much about 180 behavior. My H left the first week in May. We have communicated regularly, at first there was much anger and resentment coming from him. I just let him vent, because he needed to do so. He needed to be heard and needed validation. We went to two two hour MC sessions, Gottman. But at the second one , he declared we had a good friendship and he wasn't sure he wanted to work on the marriage. He wants things to be about him. He wants to do individual counseling. I was a bit perturbed and left immediately after session was over, didn't chit chat and did not allow him to look at my directions home.
I got into an accident a couple of weeks ago, and much of our interaction has been about insurance, what car to replace etc. Last week he came to the house to get the title and mail. Prior to the meeting we had exchanged e-mails. I was concerned about the decision on the car, and whether or not I should be protecting myself, due to his not being sure about things. He responded that he was being honest and didn't want to hurt me, but wasn't sure about his desire. I wrote a rather lengthy response and was brutally honest with him. I let him know I had gone through many feelings during our 32 years. I had felt lack of desire, hate, disappointment, anger, hurt, loneliness. I also let him know all the wonderful feelings I had felt as well. I explained that I knew that feelings can last hours, days, weeks, months and even years. I let him know that I was not going to get sucked into this dark hole, that since the rolling of my vehicle I was going to choose to be happy, and celebrate my second chance at life. I also told him he needed to experience his emotions, and embrace them. He was an intelligent guy and he'd figure things out. Since that it seems as though he is much more at ease, and even a bit more light hearted.
He noticed my appearance when he came over, I've lost 25 pounds, and was eyeing me . Hung around for an hour. Now this seems odd to me, for he was concerned about not desiring me, and it was pretty obvious he was noticing me. He even told me I was looking good. This coming from a man that NEVER gives me compliments. Anyhoo, he casually asked me out for dinner or lunch this weekend, but has made no definite date on this. I am not holding my breath, but IF it comes to fruition what about intimacy? One of his bugaboos was that I didn't initiate. " I was like a church lady ". I am at a loss for if I do, and he doesn't "desire" me, have I made a huge mistake? For initiating would be a 180. I'm a bit anxious and don't really know what would be best. What if he doesn't call about going out? Do I just ignore it or do I have back up plans. I'm kinda the back up plan kinda gal. Open to input

[KarenR]

That is a good question for your MC. Alot depends on the background (has he been with other women since you separated and other concerns). If he is working with his own counselor, you may want to talk to a DB coach to get specific direction on what you can be saying and doing that is going to bring him closer and not push him further away or backfire. Take good care.

[chl0901]

Hi WIP, sorry you are in this sitch but this is a good place to be. If you haven't read DB/DR yet, that's a good place to start. Also read Sandi2's 37 rules at the top of the forum list. You are probably still on moderation, which is difficult since your posts don't pop up right away, but keep posting (more info about M issues, just to vent, etc.) and you will be off soon. Best of luck in your sitch!

[workinprogress]

I read the rules. Fortunately I didn't do most of them. We did exchange a lot of e mails in the beginning, which allowed him to vent. I let him and didn't argue. The weekend came and went. He did stand me up. This is a particular pet peeve of mine, and he is well aware of it. He knows what he did, and has not contacted me. I am so angry with myself for allowing him to manipulate me and getting my hopes up.I too, have not contacted him. I have been seeing posts on going dark. I am assuming this means necessary contact only. This is difficult for me, for we are in the car situation, and he is the breadwinner. I'm an empty-nester with no income, AND going to school. VERY hard to concentrate when 32 years just walked out. I am def. a LBS and I believe he is in a MLC but he doesn't fit all the descriptions. You see his father deserted his mother with 5 kids, and he is very sensitive to this. He has been paying the bills, mortgage, and both my D's and my school. I do not know how long he will keep this up. To date no other person, he has reached out to get individual counseling, but hasn't started. He had a lot of anger, but since expressing it and venting he seems more peaceful. He was saying he lost "desire for me, and is afraid it won't come back " . However the weekend before last, his eyes were not saying the same thing. And I got a compliment , which I haven't heard E V E R . He does bring me up when he speaks with the daughters ( 26 and 21 )

This Wednesday he will be going to dinner with our daughter. I am unsure as to be home or not. My gut says to be away. I ordered the Divorce Remedy from amazon. I didn't know it wasn't in the stores anymore. I am flying blind presently and going by my protective instincts. I do not plan on contacting him for anything if I can help it. I also have done 180's, again it was just something I did for me...I haven't said " love you" in months, try to end phone calls first, been reading everything under the sun, moon and stars. I have to admit though, I don't know if I have the patience for this. I feel so angry right now. Moved past most of the guilt and sorrow. I just can't seem to appreciate his " I want it to be about me " statement, behavior, and attitude. Once my daughter gets a car, ( I'm taking hers, and she's getting an inexpensive one ) she'll be in her new apartment. I'm going to be alone in the country and he'll be in the next state over. He's close but still it hurts. My birthday is coming up and that is going to crush me, and then the two holidays, back to back. I'm the one who does all the decorating and cooking. UGH! So confused, overwhelmed, depressed,, and angry.

[workinprogress]

I guess I was too vague about the MC. I'm not going alone. It was a Gottman method counselor. This means two people and the patient is the marriage. Since my husband declared he was "unsure" of working on the marriage, i.e. homework. There is nothing I can do . He doesn't like to "work" at things. Years ago, when I purchased this romance workbook which had sealed envelopes written to the spouses, he wouldn't do that either. So I guess this isn't a surprise. I don't know if I want to keep trying.
I know it has been since May, and to many this is a short time. To me it has been an eternity. Absence is not making my heart grow fonder, it does the opposite. We had been leading parallel lives and I ask myself, is this any different? I've been contemplating what I have and have not done. I then look back and think about what I let go, or forgave. I am feeling so ambivalent. I find myself looking at dating sites to see if I can keep myself busy and get some positive feedback and maybe meet new friends. I don't like not having something to keep my mind off of this whole situation. Apparently he hasn't acted on his desires yet, but I sure as heck don't want to be pining while he may decide to change his mind. If I sound perturbed it is because I'm angry with myself!