Nearly 12 months since BD, 18 months since W started getting confused and 8 months since W moved out. W started early menopause, in MLC (not as bad as some, but worse than others.
Decided it is high time to take stock of my sitch and decided to do a summary of how I have progressed over the last 12 months or so, what still needs work and how I move forward from here. This is more for my benefit but any insights/comments would be useful:
Going well: 180's •More of a confident independent man who takes responsibility for the household, chores, washing, ironing, bills etc etc. Even refused help from my mum as I wanted to do this for myself
Kids •Relationships blossomed. Eldest spending most of his time at mine during summer (most of his friends near my place) and having a ball with youngest with special needs. Really think both W and I have done a good job keep things as stable as possible for them
Image •New outfits, shaved beard, new hairstyle (whats left of it:)). I get more attention from Women and W has commented on new outfits – how the colours suit me, nice shirt etc etc.
GAL •learning to horseride, gym, 5 a side soccer, running club •Activities with special needs S, swimming, horse riding etc.
Compassion and understanding •Spent a lot of time understanding what it must have been like for W to be a stay at home mum all this time. How trapped she must have felt and how thankless a task it appeared to her especially caring for S with special needs. •Realise I didn’t emotionally support her like a H should and how this must have made her feel •How I didn’t show my appreciate W contributions more and how this must have made her feel
Goals •Achieved being positive with interactions with W at pick ups and drop offs but staying dim during the week. •Achieved having a time alone with W and general conversations. Each Monday when I drop S bags off from the weekend we have coffee (always initiated by her) and talk for ages, sometimes 2-3 hours. Granted I spend most of the time listening and letting her lead the conversations. Hence the potatoes in the title because she always takes me in the back yard to show me how well her home grown potatoes are coming on. W confides in me about her problems (not R ones but general).
Finances •Finances secure and stable having stared financial ruin in the face
Relationship with W •Have stood my ground where needed but not shown anger. There were certain crunch points early in our sitch and she has apologised since for her behaviour. •She asks my advice on things more •She texts me occasionally in the week – just general stuff but not every week •Said she misses me more than once and has commented how hard it is not having me around but still convinced she has to do this •Gets very upset from time to time about our sitch •I validate and console alot •We hug pretty much every time we part company – we both initiate this, sometimes it is a friendly hug, others she holds on tight like a proper hug if that makes sense
My behaviour •Trying to be more alpha – calmer, a good listener but better leader but not an a$% if that makes sense. •On reflection there had also been some passive aggressive behaviour on my part, but just with W mainly for a quiet life. •Practising love languages more but still working with words of affirmation. •More appreciative of life and glass is half full as opposed to half empty outlook •Generally a better person to be around
Not so well/Work in Progress:
•Decision making – getting better but needs work as I still fear making the wrong decision •Detaching – again getting better but still get drawn in – still working on it •Moving on – although I am busy every day of the week I still don’t get the ‘I will be okay no matter what’ feeling. D still scares the life out of me and I still can’t imagine not being with W long term. I also worry about this as most sitchs I read that R it is not until the LBS truly moves on that a true R is an option. •New goals – my main goal now is to have a casual date with W…meal, movie or something. Not really a date as such but spending quality time with her in a more social setting. I sense we are a long way from this still! •W and the M home. W still gets all weird in the M home and avoids it unless she really needs to call round. Understandable I suppose given she associates it with memories that she probably doesn’t want reminding of. But I do wonder if that will ever go away for W.
Moving forwards •Detach (still!!!!!!) •Patience (still!!!!) •Dating? Well I have had 2 offers but turned them down. When is it okay to do this? •Work on being more fun. Not that I am boring but some spontaniety wouldn’t go a miss.
Things I still need help with: One thing I am interested in knowing is how do you truly move on. I feel like I am generally happy with life but there is still this cloud ever present which is a potential looming D and accepting that it is over for good. Until I accept this, how can I move on...and how do you come to terms with this?
R talk. This has never come up although I perhaps have had an odd opportunity when she tells me she misses me. Presumably I cannot bring this up myself until I am truly ready to accept the possible consequences (i.e. D) and move on?
Asking W out. Pressure/pursuit I know but providing I take any rejection well is it acceptable to just ask her out....not a date as such, but more just hanging out...meal, go out for coffee etc..
Nice to hear from you, Rkyfat. Great update with lots of specifics.
I think you are moving on. Time helps with that. Keep doing what you're doing. The key to moving on is GAL. Moving on is a by-product of GAL. Lowering your expectations also helps.
I don't think you should be bringing up R talk. Why do you want to?
Could you start by spending more time with her and S12? I'd be wary of asking her out. If you can, wait for her to show an interest in spending more time together.
What's the latest on her EA/PA?
You're not sounding as angry at your W. Good work.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
I think I am waiting for that moment when I think to myself I am a happy single man. I am enjoying life at the moment but its still not the same without W or having someone to share it with if that makes sense?
Re the R talk I think it is the fact that we get on well, no mention of D and she seems to enjoy the time we have together. I suppose I want to know where this is all leading but I know I am not prepared for worse case scenario if that makes sense. I agree I should not bring this up.
Your point on expectations is a good one. Still need to work on this. Thanks!
Good advice on the spending time together. I will wait as you suggest.
Latest on EA/PA is I don't know. Signs have vanished from her place.....she regularly had fresh yellow roses (her favourites) on the fireplace (the type you wouldn't buy yourself) there have been none for a long time.....no signs of OM clothes at the house....but TBH I really don't know and try not to think about it. She did tell me that the EA guy was seeing someone at his works, but she still sees him from time to time for a catch up.
Re the anger I am still working through all this. I think FY was spot on when he mentioned point scoring in my previous thread.
rky! I've been wondering how you've been doing. I didn't realize you jumped (back?) to newcomers.
Originally Posted By: rkyfat73
Goals...
I didn't see "successfully quit smoking". I hope it's only because you forgot!
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•Dating? Well I have had 2 offers but turned them down. When is it okay to do this?
After you're D. Hay, you asked!
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One thing I am interested in knowing is how do you truly move on. I feel like I am generally happy with life but there is still this cloud ever present which is a potential looming D and accepting that it is over for good. Until I accept this, how can I move on...and how do you come to terms with this?
I'm convinced this just takes time, and everyone is different. Just keep focusing on YOUR life/happiness, and you'll get there.
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R talk. This has never come up although I perhaps have had an odd opportunity when she tells me she misses me. Presumably I cannot bring this up myself until I am truly ready to accept the possible consequences (i.e. D) and move on?
Right. Let her bring it up unless you are ok with being done. (or adding more time for her to come around)
I never initiate R talks, but my W has twice in the last 2 months. Only when she asks do I tell her how I feel. (that I won't wait around forever) It least for us, it seems we both can "sense" were the other one is regarding the R. So, when I genuinely start feeling that I can move on with out her, it seems to draw her closer!
She's still not making any moves to leave, so I'd say it's working for us.
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Asking W out. Pressure/pursuit I know but providing I take any rejection well is it acceptable to just ask her out....not a date as such, but more just hanging out...meal, go out for coffee etc..
My suggestion: Pick an activity that you are planing to do on your own. Tell W you are doing it and ask her if she'd like to join you. If she says no, that's ok, you go anyway. Next time you see her you can tell her about it if you want.
See the difference? It's not a "date" if you were going to do it before asking her. Also, it doesn't put her on the spot. (you were going either way) It also will lessen any feelings of rejection.
Bust On my friend!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Hi FY good of you to chime in.....you had to remember the smoking didn't you Well its not going great...I am still not the smoker I used to be and still battling on but I have to say these last 3-4 weeks I have smoked more and more! The weird thing is......(and I know this is an excuse) is that W still smokes, but has told everyone else she gave up. She will not admit to anyone other than me that she is still smoking. Even eldest S thinks she has given up!
Said it reminds her of being a teenager hiding it from her mum etc
So.....when I go around I end up joining her for these 'crafty' cigarettes in secret.....sad I know and just need to quit once and for all...but....it is helping my DBing....told you it was an excuse
Yeah the dating thing is kinda out of bounds I suppose! I go through phases where I think a date can't hurt......but then get my sensible head on! Do you wonder what it would be like being with another woman?
R talks, yep agree - think I know this but having patience issues!
The activity thing is difficult unless S comes along....otherwise we would have to get a childminder and then it would be...well like a planned activity for the 2 of us! I still don't think she is ready for this yet anyhow. But thanks, I will keep this in mind and maybe initiate more activities with S and the two of us to start with. The rejection I can handle with a smile I think......don't think rejection can get worse than BD
General update is that W took S to her sisters for a weeks break. Picked S up this morning and W sat next to me showing me the photos etc. Eldest S upset her as he had stayed at a friends all week and made a comment about how is mum is the best cook ever....she made them great pack lunches for days out....makes her own jam etc etc etc. I joked to S saying there are some things it might be better not to tell your mum
Great day with youngest S and went for a meal at my parents.
Thanks again for the comments FY. I will catch up on your sitch in the next day or so. But for now I am tired and going to pick a DVD to watch before bed. Youngest has worn me out
At least the smoking is an opportunity to bond with W! How about you only smoke when you're with her then?
You could invite your W to join you and S12. Maybe the two of you should do something a few times that S12 enjoys and then invite W to come along so you can 'show off' in terms of the good times that you and S12 have together.
It sounds as if you know deep down yourself that you need to avoid R talks and GAL. It really doesn't sound as if your W is ready for a date so I wouldn't go there. Asking her on a date could hurt. Do you remember how off-putting it is when someone you're not feeling that attracted to makes it really clear they want to go out with you? Do you remember how appealing it is when you're not sure whether or not someone is into you--even if you're not 100% sure you're really into them?
Are you at all mysterious? You want her to start thinking that you're having a great life without her and that she may be losing you. I get the sense that she is pretty secure about you being there and that she knows that you want more out of your R. That knowledge gives her all the power and she has no reason to change the status quo.
Hope you chose a good DVD to watch!
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Hi, just picked up on your thread and just wanted to comment on a few things if that's ok It seems like you're doing really well with your 180s and GAL. My son also has special needs so I understand when you say that you can't do activities on your own when he's with you. My son is 19 now and I'm hoping to get him some extra activities soon to give me some time on my own. The worst thing about this is not being able to go out with friends at night. H only has my son once a month as he's only got a small flat and he says the couch is too uncomfortable and he doesn't get much sleep. He did talk about getting a sofa bed which will hopefully mean he'll have our son over more Regarding your date with your W. I have told H about activities I've planned with our son and asked him along. He always says "I don't know what I'm doing that day", so I leave it and me and my son go anyway :)I'm not asking him again for the next few times as I don't want to be too pushy. If we've got a busy week, then I normally tell H when we're in so he can come and see our son if he wants to. Again, he never takes me up on this. It seems that he wants to be the one in control at the mo. I'm sure I read somewhere that you shouldn't date if you want to R. Also if your W does file for D then you don't want her to have an excuse to D you. I get anxious about D as well, my H has said he is going to see a solicitor but I've not heard anything yet. Good luck with your 180s and GALing
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
Said it reminds her of being a teenager hiding it from her mum etc
I hid it from my W for several years when we first married. Of course she knew. We still laugh about the pic of me with the grouchiest looking expression on my face while on a trip together... because I wasn't able to get my "fix".
It's been 25 years since I've lit up.
Do you wonder what it would be like being with another woman?
Not really. At least right now, I feel like even if W and I do split up, I have no interest in starting up with another woman, with her own issues and family etc. No thanks. I am, and will continue to be fine on my own.
Besides, I still feel like we'll get through her crises together and have a way better M in the end.
What made you decide to post your new thread in newcomers?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Tryingtodo180, Wendylon and FY thanks v much for the posts....sorry its taken so long to get back to them!
Wendylon,
'How about you only smoke when you're with her then?'.....yes, but this is what gets me started smoking again...its the old one leads to another.
In truth re the smoking W is also desperate to give up but can't. Although we do talk a lot with our secret smokes I think I need to just do it for good and lead the way. It is part of the new me I have a vision of....I am nearly there but the smoking is my biggest blocker!
'You could invite your W to join you and S12. Maybe the two of you should do something a few times that S12 enjoys and then invite W to come along so you can 'show off' in terms of the good times that you and S12 have together.'
Agree - however she knows S loves being with me...even though he cant talk his face lights up when I go to pick him up and grabs my hand to take me to the car! It's funny because at BD she said it wouldn't be any different looking after S on her own because that's what she has always done....but she has also always called S a daddys boy and still does! I know she does get jealous of the relationship I have with S but not sure how to address it...I had always put it down to the fact that because I work and saw less of him that he just looks forward to seeing me more.
Re the mysterious I think you hit on a good point. It is difficult trying to be mysterious when you don't live together. She does not know my whereabouts during the week...but my biggest worry is the 'friend' zone and yes, at the moment she has no reason to change. I don't think W is ever getting a taste of what it would be like to truly lose me.
I read one of Sandis posts where she suggested wait at the door etc on pick ups/drops offs. Wonder if I need to start pulling back...any advice on this would help!
Tryingtodo180 - thanks for the comments. I do think having a special needs child changes the dynamic on the GAL front. I do what I can when I can and maximise what I do with time with S. Is there anyone can help you out/childmind? Even just a couple of hours to get to the gym, do a class or something helps if H does not have him much.
'I'm sure I read somewhere that you shouldn't date if you want to R'
Yes I have read that too. Don't worry - I won't....well not until I am truly ready to move on!
'Also if your W does file for D then you don't want her to have an excuse to D you. I get anxious about D as well, my H has said he is going to see a solicitor but I've not heard anything yet.'
^^^ yes its still the cloud that I can't shake off. Day 2 day I am fine until the big D enters my thoughts. I sought legal advice early on in my sitch so at least I am informed if it ever gets to that.
FY - 'I feel like even if W and I do split up, I have no interest in starting up with another woman, with her own issues and family etc. No thanks. I am, and will continue to be fine on my own'
^ that's where I need to get to.
'What made you decide to post your new thread in newcomers?'
^ IDK I still spend more time reading sitchs here than on the MLC forum so thought I would jump back.
W seems to have been noticing me more lately at pick ups/drop offs. She has a few times now commented on nice shirts/ties etc and how they suit me.
This week was the week W went away with the girls (I think :)) and I agreed to have S for the week. W has never had more than a weekend away from S during our entire M....and likewise I have never had him a week on my own...so it was good for me and supposed to be good for her.
My week with S went very well. To the point when she picked him up today I felt down but kept my self busy this PM getting jobs done around the house and garden.
W text me a couple of times when she was away asking about S. She also went on to say how much she was missing him etc and looking at pictures of him. I responded about how well S was and some brief details about what we had been up to.
W however was very withdrawn when she picked S up. She stayed a while for coffee and started telling me about family gossip on her sisters side. I won't go into the detail!
I asked if she had a good holiday, she said it wasn't as nice a place as where me and W used to go (the resort she stayed at was a few miles away from where me and W had been a couple of times). She moaned about the flight, the air company...but said in a downbeat way that at least she had a rest.
She then looked close to tears when she was leaving with S so I didn't drag the goodbye out with S.
Well its not going great...I am still not the smoker I used to be and still battling on but I have to say these last 3-4 weeks I have smoked more and more! The weird thing is......(and I know this is an excuse) is that W still smokes, but has told everyone else she gave up. She will not admit to anyone other than me that she is still smoking. Even eldest S thinks she has given up!