Two roads diverged in a yellow wood...

[chasingpavements]

Hi all!

Here's my situation in a nutshell:

Had the big Bomb Drop early this year and was told that my H no longer loves me and does not have the feelings for me, as he thinks he should. Here are some of the statements that I have heard from my almost WAS: we married too young, the sparks just aren't there, I no longer love you, I don't know if I can imagine my future with you, I am not happy, I have been unhappy for years and kept it to myself.

He hid his unhappiness from me for years, 'playing along' and trying to work it out on his own. After the big bomb drop, of course I did everything you are not supposed to do, beg, plead, reason, bargain, guilt trip, etc. We did marriage counseling for a bit, which, ultimately, brought us to a near demise.

He told me he wanted to separate then the next morning took it back and we later had a talk, where we agreed to work on things. We have been in 'limbo' for the past few months. I have been practicing my DB techniques. We started to feel so much tension between us in the home that H left for a few weeks. He is now back in the home. For a while things were great, and the tension was gone. He was acting like his old self and joking around with me, and looked the happiest I have seen him in a very long time.

For the past couple of days he has been acting very distant and moody again. I haven't really done anything different, I think he is just feeling sad about our situation and what to do about our relationship. He doesn't like being in this limbo either, but is not able to commit to say either way what he would like us to do.

I feel like perhaps he is in a MLC, or possibly just depressed. There is something wrong with him right now. He has changed drastically from who he used to be. I barely recognize him. He has lost a tremendous amount of weight, started dressing different, acting different, etc. He is very confused right now about his life. He wants to keep our family together, but he is unable to say if he wants to stay with me.

[chasingpavements]

Hoping for advice,

We were planning a camping trip with H's extended family, a lot of relatives were going to rent a few camping sites. Yesterday I asked H if he wanted me to go or not. To me, it seemed like it didn't matter to him either way. I have felt such pain in the past couple of days, this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, as I felt that he didn't want me around. He would just snap at me over the tiniest things, and if I asked him a question he would grumble a one word answer at me. I told him I would go but only if he wanted me there, and told him that I have felt terrible for the past while because I feel like he wishes I weren't around. He told me that it is just more of the same, that he is still feeling sad about everything. When I asked if he wanted me to go, he just stared at me with a blank look at which point I told him that I was going to stay home and not go on the trip.

I know I probably didn't handle that situation the greatest. I thought that perhaps if I went on the trip it would be a good time to DB, and have fun with him and the kids. But, I also started to strongly feel that he didn't want me to go, so I felt very conflicted.

As he drove away with the children for camping for a few nights, I felt a sickening feeling. I feel cast aside, and taken for granted. I feel he does not appreciate me or the things I have done for us and our family. He is away camping with his family, who know nothing about the fact that we are on the verge of separating. In a way I feel cast aside, even though it was my decision to not go, I just felt like he did not want me there.

I am at my breaking point. I have dealt with his indecisiveness for months now. I am an emotional person, and this limbo is taking it's toll on me. I have had great stress and anxiety. I know for a fact that I cannot go on any more in the limbo, I have reached the end of my rope. I have not had any affection from him in months. He has not planned any dates or done anything nice for us. He is caught up in not knowing what to do. I feel that he has not given me any hope. I have tried to stay positive, but I am having great difficulty with it. He is not giving me much to work with and I am starting to resent him for everything.

I told him before he left that I would like him to do some thinking about something. I told him that I would like him to commit to doing marriage counseling with me, or else we would move on separate ways. He actually said he thought it was a good idea, since we are not getting anywhere by doing what we are doing. He doesn't like this limbo either. I have a feeling this limbo could go on for years, and I can't handle all of that anxiety.

I feel (mostly) at peace, that we can try and work on things or be done. I never in a million years would have dreamed that he would cause me so much trouble and pain.

[Not Quitting]

Just caught up on your sitch. There are a lot of similarities between yours and mine. My H is certainly acting like MLC - working out, drinking more, younger friends, hairstyle like he had when much younger (ponytail), as well as the ILYBINILWY and the personality change. My H threated D initially, but has since dropped that. He has said he wants to work on our relationship, but he still moved out. Says he doesn't want to lose his son, but spends only a few brief hours on Sundays. There are times when he seems like his old self, and times when I don't recognize him.

Mine also said he'd been unhappy for years. Was he really, or is that just mind is currently working? Don't try to interpret though - some will say that's mind reading and we should never try to do that.

As hard as it is, we need to give them the time and space they need, and in the meantime work on ourselves. Just remember you're not alone. There are a lot of people here, all in different stages, with different points of view. We are in for a long rollercoaster ride and personally I've never liked rollercoasters.

Stay strong and positive, even if just for your kids.

[Verum]

Hoping for advice,
Yesterday I asked H if he wanted me to go or not. To me, it seemed like it didn't matter to him either way.

You should not have asked him. This is too much pressure. Next time, just go and be happy (or pretend to be) and give him space.

He would just snap at me over the tiniest things, and if I asked him a question he would grumble a one word answer at me.

give him space. Avoid asking questions.

He told me that it is just more of the same, that he is still feeling sad about everything.

This is testing behavior. Don't react to it. Listen to him and validate. Say, "I'm sorry you feel that way ..."

I am at my breaking point. I have dealt with his indecisiveness for months now. I am an emotional person, and this limbo is taking it's toll on me. I have had great stress and anxiety. I know for a fact that I cannot go on any more in the limbo, I have reached the end of my rope. I have not had any affection from him in months. He has not planned any dates or done anything nice for us. He is caught up in not knowing what to do. I feel that he has not given me any hope. I have tried to stay positive, but I am having great difficulty with it. He is not giving me much to work with and I am starting to resent him for everything.

I feel this way at times too. You need to GAL since those activities, especially social activities will help alleviate the pain.

I told him before he left that I would like him to do some thinking about something. I told him that I would like him to commit to doing marriage counseling with me, or else we would move on separate ways.

NO, no, and no. Don't go to counciling. It won't help since he has checked out of the marriage. He'll go, say he tried to save the marriage but it is just not working.

I feel (mostly) at peace, that we can try and work on things or be done. I never in a million years would have dreamed that he would cause me so much trouble and pain.

I never thought my W could cause me such pain either. But she did. If you H is in MLC, then this will take awhile. In the meantime, you should read Sandi's rules in the Newcomer's section. They help. Your H wil lhave to work out his own issues. You just need to give him space and not pressure him. It seems like you are applying a lot of pressure, which you should stop.

It is very hard. I've been doing this for 7 months now, and it does get a little easier, but it is still very difficult.

Avoid all relationship talks with your H and think about what you need for yourself. Do you have kids? Do you really want to separate? What are the pros/cons of separating now, or going through a 2-3 year crisis?

In my case, I feel that I can continue staying because my current sitch is better than divorce. I also hold out very high hopes that my W will get through this MLC and that we can have a new, better marriage afterwards. I constantly reevaluate my feelings and what I think about this. I suggest you do the same.

I do not think your H will be willing to work on things, so if this is your expectation, you'll be disappointed. DB-ing is about you single-handly working on things to improve the marriage until such time your H is ready.

Good luck.

[Not Quitting]

SailingAlone is so right on this. No pressure, no relationship talks, no ultimatums. Focus on yourself first, and your kids. They need you to be the "sane" one - not that MLC means they're insane, it just seems that way sometimes.

None of us thought our spouses would cause us this pain. If anyone had told me a year ago that my marriage would be on the brink of divorce I'd have laughed them off, but I'm here now because it is and I don't want it to be.

One of the best pieces of advice so far I've picked up from this forum is to read Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy. I learned a lot from DB; have only just started DR but I'm picking up tips already. I would just suggest that you keep them out of your H's sight.

What are you doing to GAL? Even if its just doing something with your kids. While they're away is the perfect time to do something, even if you don't feel like it.

You actually posted the following on my thread "'Time and space' seems to be the answer for now.. but it is so hard" so you do know what you need to do. And you know you handled the situation wrong. Don't beat yourself up about it; pick yourself up, dust yourself off and learn from the mistake.

Stay strong.

[chasingpavements]

Thanks Not Quitting and Sailing Alone...

I am having a rough day, with H gone with the kids and being alone in the house. I feel like I have been a great mother and wife, and I am starting to feel taken for granted by H. I feel invisible, alone, not wanted, and cast aside. H has told me a few times lately that he knows what he is doing to me isn't fair, he even said he knows that he has been a jerk!

I am starting to feel that he is not worthy of my love, that I deserve better. In the beginning of all of this I was a little hopeful. But now, every day I debate back and forth about wanting to stay in this marriage. Lately, I have been leaning more towards wanting to separate, because I feel he does not care for me, or support me enough, and he is causing so much pain.

I know that giving him the ultimatum was probably a horrible idea, but at the time I felt like I was comfortable with either decision that he came back with. I have lost respect for him, and no longer feel like he is the man I married, that he no longer has integrity.

Sailing Alone, you are probably right that counseling would do more harm than good.

[Not Quitting]

I am having a rough day, with H gone with the kids and being alone in the house.

I know exactly how you're feeling. H is out of town this weekend helping a buddy renovate and besides that we're separated aren't we, and my son is away for two weeks at sleep-away camp. I'm heading home to have dinner with my dad and figure out how to fill the weekend hours with no son to entertain. I've already had to disappear quickly into the ladies at work so my co-workers didn't see me bawling my eyes out.

They say it gets easier, but I guess we have to take the hard times first.

Stay strong.

[chasingpavements]

Thanks for your support Not Quitting.. I am feeling so emotional right now! It helps to know there is support! I'm sure there will be better days ahead.

I just want to be treated fairly.. and I feel that is not about to happen any time soon, so I am feeling defeated. I suppose it's not over till it's over!

[Not Quitting]

That's it CP. Keep your chin up.

Take advantage of the few days you've got without your H around and do some GAL activities. Plan something for you to do on your own with the kids after they come back.

I'm on vacation the week after S13 gets home from camp and I've spent quite a bit of time this week planning what we're going to do, including an overnight trip to Niagara Falls. He left me with a list of things he'd like to do, typical kid stuff - the zoo, the water park, the amusement park, mini-golf, etc. So I've been looking into opening hours, cost, travel time, stuff like that.

Your idea of fair and his may not match for a while. My H thought it fair that I pay 75% of the joint debt because I earn a bit more than him. Final result of that was a joint decision to go into credit counselling.

Emotions change day to day, in fact sometime hour to hour or minute to minute with me. The slightest thing can trigger the blues or tears and other times I'm happy and seemingly without a care in the world. Almost as much of a rollercoaster as H's behaviour or mood. There'll be good days and bad days to be sure, but you can get through them. Something I saw on FB a few days basically said "You never know how strong you are until you have to be."

A favourite saying on here seems to be "It's a marathon not a sprint", and from what I've seen in my own sitch that is so true.

Feel free to PM me if you need a little extra support.

[chasingpavements]

Something I saw on FB a few days basically said "You never know how strong you are until you have to be."

Love that quote

I have been trying to remain strong for so long, mostly for the sake of my children. If it weren't for them I think I would have lost it already!! I am surprised that I haven't gone crazy on H yet, I have been quite calm in dealing with him. I think he is actually wondering why I am handling all of this so well!

I am going to do some fun things on my weekend alone, that I normally wouldn't have the time for, it's usually quite busy around here with 3 kids!! I just got back from shoe shopping and feel a bit better! Tomorrow I am going to get my hair coloured, I am thinking I will go jet black (it is very dark brown right now). On Sunday a couple of my dearest friends that live far away are coming for a visit, and we are going out to dinner, so I am really looking forward to that!

BTW I am also an Ontario girl!

Unfortunately I think PM's are disabled so I can't message you.