From just reading the little you posted here, I would say there is NO relationship with him anymore. I cannot fathom how you could be together 14 years and then he just drops you, but that seems like what has happened. You need to stop thinking about him period. He is history. Move on.
I give this advice, but I also understand how hard it is. Last night I went to dinner with my 3 kids and so many things reminded me of my W. We've been married 22 years.... half of my life together. If my R with her ends, I realize that this long history means she will always be with me. Yet, rational brain says you need to move on because the MLCer has.
Yes, Mr. Bond--definitely. Maybe I haven't been the best student in the life class, but I would never trade the experience of learning about myself for the pre-bomb me and marriage. I feel I have learned a lot about what makes me tick, what are the non-negotiable things that make me happy (and what I have to do to keep myself happy). I've learned about self-respect and honoring my body and my person (even if sometimes I slip up from the exercise routine). I have learned when to feel guilty and use that guilt as an incentive to reach my goals and when to just cut myself some slack. I'm still learning about setting boundaries with friends and relatives.
And as I was saying in the first post on the thread, I've been dating someone and things are advancing towards a relationship. As a friend said to me tonight, maybe ex's engagement is the best thing as now I really can't look back and I have to look only forward.
My dilemma has to do with the vows of the religious ceremony and what I have felt was my duty (and desire) to wait and stand. Of course, I can't stand for a man who is becoming engaged to someone else. How do people reconcile those?
Yep, SailingAlone--I cannot fathom it either. If he were that comfortable in his new stage of life he should have no problem contacting me and saying hi. We have spent 14 years together. The fact that he is avoiding me like the plague (and please understand that when he said he needed his space I respected that. Even if I made mistakes and begged and pleaded in the first months after the bomb, I am not some crazy person who would ambush him in public and hug his legs and never let go On the THREE occasions we met in the last 3.5 years I was composed, supportive and friendly, trying to listen and to understand (even if I was bleeding inside).
How beautifully you put it--yes, the years spent together and their memory are still mine. No one can take that. I felt loved, happy and fulfilled. And I don't regret any minute spent with him and I don't regret loving him.
Do you know of any sitches out there with vanisher and no children? (there's absolutely no reason for interaction)
Check out Portia's threads.
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If he were that comfortable in his new stage of life he should have no problem contacting me and saying hi.
I have no contact w/my xh. In fact, he FB messaged me about 2 years ago w/a friend request. I wrote him that while I hoped all was well with him that I did not think a "friendship" with him was good for my M or my family. I don't think his disinterest in you necessarily reflects unhappiness. That may be harsh, but it seems at least a fair chance of truth.
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And as I was saying in the first post on the thread, I've been dating someone and things are advancing towards a relationship.
My H's OW is an old girlfriend "he never stopped loving".
Can't tell you the amount of pain this causes me, the damage done to our M of 21 years. May I just say, be damned certain you are done w/XH before progressing w/new R. And from what I've read on this thread, you are NOT done.
My tone here seems rather nasty to me. I apologize if it seems so to you too. Lengthy R talk w/my H last night. Foul mood for me this morning.
Take care 4leaf.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
4LC, I am one of those individuals who had a 25 yr marriage, no children and he flipped out and walked away from a relationship, home, family, etc. and was involved w/ow. He did marry her less than a year after we were divorced.
Your perception isn't warped, but I would venture to say that your xh was gradually changing for a few years before the BD took place. He's very much like my xh in the way that he's just flipped the switch and walked away from everything.
What I learned is that you can leave the door ajar, but you will need to go on w/your life. Live your life to the fullest. Since he's engaged, there's not much you can do at this point, but....there will come a time when he may reconnect w/you over something, be it a wedding, death, or he needs something from you. It took my xh a very long time to get over the anger and begin acting like a civil human being. You have to remember that the euphoria has to wear off before they will even settle back down on earth. He's going to find that marrying the ow isn't going to make him happy after a while either. Why? Because the routine things in life will begin to weigh heavily on him once more and yes...the masks they wear will begin to slip and they will eventually become the marry couple that they were to their exes.
Unless you absolutely have to contact him, I wouldn't. I know it's difficult, but you've got to let him go and if the two of you are meant to be together, God will find a way to bring you back together again.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly, I am so grateful for your post! You have no idea how much it means to me! True--if we are meant to ever be together again, God will find the way.
Yes, it's his combined anger and guilt that I see as the main psychological stumbling blocks to communication. Maybe I am wrong, and I wouldn't be so happy if he were all chatty and friendly, but I wish we could have preserved our friendship at least. The lack of that ease--on his side--tells me that he is not done baking. When we feel strong and truly content with our choices, we are also generous and forgiving, I think. If he were truly content with his current choices, he would be able to pass over all the resentment and forgive what he called the wounds inflicted over the years and acknowledge the love we have given to each other for most of our grown up life. But maybe I am wrong...
MizJ, please you don't have to apologize. I value your input! Hugs to you--I know how terrible that pain of seeing a lifetime of love and devotion being thrown away.
I'll come and read up on your thread, but if I understand correctly the xh that contacted you after 2 years is a different person from the H you are DBing? It's unbelievable what sense of entitlement our x's have. I have a friend whose xW went into full MLC (strangely at exactly the same time as my xH), and she told my colleague "I am not worried. I know that if I ever want you back in the future, I will get you back". It speaks volumes both about their delusional view and the source of resentment (we are seen as stationary, unchangeable, and therefore a trap for their thirst for life-changing experiences)
4LC, I was divorced in June of 2002 and I didn't have any communication w/him until August of 2002 to advise him that his payout check was w/my lawyer and he would need to sign papers acknowledging receipt of the check. I then didn't actually hear from him again until after my BIL was killed in late January 2005. When I spoke to him about he funeral, he said that he had been thinking about me and had wanted to contact me, but didn't know what to expect. I let that comment go because I thought he was full of BS. Since that time, emails are civil, but he still periodically requests things from my home, which I will not give him as he received everything he requested at the time of the divorce. My motto is "if you give them an inch, they will take a mile". I don't want to encourage him by giving him things because that will become a habit w/him, i.e., just like his father did to his mother right up to his dying day and 4 wives later.
From December 1999 to now, I periodically receive odd calls from his area or brand new mail is sent to my residence, i.e., such as new subscriptions to Fishing or car magazines, his information on stocks, etc. Things that I know shouldn't be coming to me and I haven't seen since 1999. Last year, he gave my email address to the Aetna health insurance company, requesting additional information on their eye and dental plans. We never had Aetna, nor do I have it today. When I contacted the Aetna rep, he told me that he had two emails from my xh requesting info and that he would now block his emails because he felt he was messing w/me. My xh isn't done yet, but right now, his focus is on the ow (now wifey) who is dealing w/ovarian cancer. While his focus has been on her, the phone calls and odd things have actually settled down considerably and life is good, as well as quiet.
Bottom line, he needs to run until all of that anger is gone. Once the euphoria and the anger are gone, he will contact you, but he'll have to find a way to do so. It may be a very stupid excuse or something he wants to tell you about a family member or friend...but they are the ones that choose the time of contact.
Time is your friend. I know this doesn't help, but you need to let him go and be thankful that you aren't dealing w/his mlc behavior right now. Live your life to the fullest as if he may never return.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly, how kind of you to share this with me! Gosh, they are strange, aren't they? The health insurance company is so strange. What did you make of it? A weird way of staying in touch with you?
My x finds his way to the email when he really wants to contact. Last fall it was political lyrics. Completely out of the blue. Speing 2012, when he had just moved in the apt that he had just bought with OW he was promising that he would create a remote backup system for my computer on his own server. Yeah, right-as if I was going to give him access to that with her in the house! Or even without.
On the THREE occasions we met in the last 3.5 years I was composed, supportive and friendly, trying to listen and to understand (even if I was bleeding inside).