I have not posted here in 3 years but I have been constantly reading this board and it has helped me so much on this journey. It has been a painful journey, but given how much I have learnt about myself and people in general, I would never want to go back to the person I was before bomb day.
The story in short: xH and I were each other's first true love. 14 years together. Now in our late 30s. Sept 2009, xH breaks my heart telling me that "he does not know what he feels for me." Things were complicated by commuting (difficult/demanding jobs), so being in his city only several months a year made it more difficult for me to see the signs. After a 2 month attempt at MC, in Feb 2010 he wanted to separate. Prevented me from coming to our apt in his city, refused to come to our apt in my city, needed "his privacy," and asked for divorce over phone in April 2010.
He wanted to be out of the marriage asap (acknowledged that he is in MLC but blamed the marriage for his unhappiness), moved the jurisdiction of the divorce 3 times to get it faster, and in April 2011 the D became final. Don't know if there was PA, but definitely one or two EAs in 2009.
After half a year of almost no communication in Oct 2011 he "wants us to work on a book together." Stupid me fell for it. We started phoning and skypeing and reading things, then it becomes obvious to me that he is less interested and there must be a woman. Confirmed in March 2012. After that we had very little contact--I guess he went through the honeymoon phase of his new relationship/living with OW.
With the exception of an odd moment in fall 2012 when he wrote some song lyrics for me about a political incident in my city, there's been very little communication beyond "happy birthday" emails.
I am convinced he is still in MLC as his avoidance seems to suggest a lack of ability to just look back at things and draw conclusions. More than three years after BD, I am in a good state of mind. I like the new Fourleafclover, I do things that I enjoy and got better at work-life balance and drawing boundaries (as with all things, there's always room for improvement). I look good and my career has been flourishing nicely. I feel good in my own skin (well, on most days
Earlier in the year I have started dating and a few months ago I've met a guy who seems to be really nice. He was all fired up form the beginning, and I am more circumspect (as I know that such initial attraction doesn't last long), but aside from the great chemistry, he actually seems to be serious relation material.
My dilemma--while I know that I should not project into the future, and I am really trying to take things one day at a time, I am feeling that in order to give this new relationship all the love and nurturing that it deserves, I need to have some kind of closure about the past. SO: I am in xH's city and part of me wants to contact him to figure out if I should really close the door or if I should pull back from this new relationship and just wait for xH to wake up (which might never happen).
I know it's a bad idea to contact xH, but I need reinforcement in my thinking from you, wise folks.
I have both "academic" and "practical" reasons for not contacting him. After all the MLC books and forums I have read, the common message seems to be don't contact the MLCer, he will just run further away. My gut instinct also tells me that xH is avoiding me and no matter how much I wish we could just have a calm, friendly talk about what went wrong in the past, if he isn't ready for that and he just wants to avoid me and the memory of what he has done, I can't get him to do it.
But if you think that there might be arguments in favor of contacting him to say hi and see how he's doing, do let me know.
Last time I contacted him (in Feb) it was to tell him that one of his official docs (that he had at my place) has expired. It was a courtesy email, but I confess that I also wanted to suss out his state of mind. His response was brief, complained about being overworked and not enjoying his work too much (when he left me, he also changed his job and bought an apartment) and concern about his grandfather's health. I adore his grandpa, but he did not tell me what was going on with him. I had to call his parents to find out how things are with his grandpa. After that he never emailed.
So - if you contact him and he doesn't respond enthusiastically, are you going to be disappointed? EXPECTATIONS are the problem here - if you're secretly hoping you'll tell him you're dating and he'll wake up and say "No, don't, I never stopped loving you".....then you definitely shouldn't contact him.
If you just want to make sure that door is completely closed (2 years after your divorce) before getting serious with someone else - then fine, contact him. Just be sure you can handle it if he tells you how happy he is with OW, or that they're engaged, or she's pregnant, or some such.
Yep, kml--you hit the nail! That fear of a subconscious motive is another reason why I feel I should not contact him.
I am absolutely sure he will not say the "I never stopped loving you." My fear is that I want to see his relationship with OW floundering, that would be a good enough signal for me; that I might grab at that thread of hope and try to keep the door slightly ajar. Which would be dishonest for the new relationship.
I agree w/the other posters. Until you can get your "expectations" under control, I wouldn't contact him. You must keep your expectations at zero at all times in order to have interacts w/him. If you don't, you will become depressed, angry, hurt, etc. because you are "expecting" him to act a certain way, i.e., as he may have done pre-crisis.
Step back and trust me, if and when he's ready to communicate, he will contact you. Until then, live your life as if he may never return.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
BklynMom,mizjjd, snodderly--thanks so much for chiming in. You are completely correct. Although there's been a lot of water under the bridge I still have moments of "what if he's had a change of heart?" when I stupidly try to suss out, as discreetly as possible, what is happening in his life.
Well, I went the indirect route--and it's very good that I chose that approach. Kml, great guess! A mutual friend told me today over lunch that xH is engaged and very happy and so is she, the bride to be.
Part of me is deeply deeply deeply hurt--the wound reopened. The other part of me says--well, this is what it is and I just have to look ahead. And he can't be that much transformed for the good in the past year since I last saw him, and then his mind was really messed up. I wonder how the OW does not realize it?
He met OW in Nov 2011 (from what I understand) and by March 2012 (less than 5 months later) he and she had bought an apartment together and were moving in. Now they are engaged. I guess the last shard of glass that could possibly cut my heart is to hear she is pregnant--that she is having the child that xH and I never had (and he never wanted).
Maybe he is well out of the crisis and he has understood that he needs an apartment to call home and a wife who is at home every night (and there is no commuting involved in the picture). He makes lots of money and was always stingy; from her profession I guess she also makes lots of money--much more than I could ever make in my profession, so probably he likes that as well. If that's the case, at least I am glad for him that he understood his needs and how to take care of them. But then his father told me this summer that he is very very tired and works too much.
He is engaged. And the reality of it is sinking in.
Most of the sitches I've read here have to do with boomerangs, where the H keeps coming back and there is a lot of drama. My ex just wanted to change everything in a heartbeat--wife, job, living arrangements, activities--and pressed really hard to get divorced asap. And then went full speed into the new relationship. This kind of certainty that he projects often makes me doubt my sanity. I KNOW he is in MLC, I know he was able to switch off love like the flick of a button, but still it makes me question if my perception is warped.
Do you know of any sitches out there with vanisher and no children? (there's absolutely no reason for interaction)
