Iknow- it does all seem sooooooo "silly" if it wasn't sooo potentially "deadly" to us, our li ves, our homes, our r, the thing that is/was most important to us.
if it weren't so pitiful- it would truly be funny.
maybe no one gets it til they're in this boat- i think that is true. no one in the universe would ever joke about divorce or mlc if they felt ALLLLLL THIS.
OH WELL HUH?
from the land of - what? wacky - mom lost her purse (seems maybe for good) somewher ein the house- my elder sister is visiting (the one that - uh hem - "took" about $20,000 bucks from mom supposedly for shore house bills (should have lasted a heck of alot longer than did) all gone- i'm afraid she'll - suck more out of poor ole mom while there!! mom fell yesterday a.m. and ended up in emergency room with OTHER sister for 8 stitches in her elbow (she sort of remembers someone getting hurt yesterday ) (hey mom- it was you - look at your arm. ta da...
had kind of peaceful and funny conversation just now with her.
somuch for those couple nites sleep. was up last nite rolling around trying to figure how to s ave her from her eldest (most perfect - her wrods) daughter. cripes guys
i think i've got trouble3s - thank God i've got my brain at the very least!!
eeeeek
linda - where's dawn- i'm goin over to have a look - hope all is good with you. i agree- we're too mature for this kind of goop and yet- whattyathink? here we are!!!
if we ever do meet up- we really are going to laugh for several days straight. how do we EVER tke these guys serioyusly again? i'm askin ya
Nero~a thought. OH AL RIGHT- i'll say it again, i sure wish i was your neighbor- maybe when i get back to nj- if my mom's shore house isn't sold and is free - we can meet up and go get away. just a wacky thought- it's owned by her with two other cousins - so the time is alalotted this way and that- but you never know rite? just a thought.
All I can say is HECK yea!
[i]i don't want you to be or feel depressed - you're better than that. we all are.[/i]
I know right! This is such a waist already. I am not like last yr, I am showing improvement in my attitude as well. I am such a sensitive sole and this is so hard one me, she needs to be happy again.
thanks for being you, all of us, your babies and I will all take what your H is missing out on, his loss!
Linda, what is a FB alias? I don't have a problem giving an email. I have several of those!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
glad to hear your little "voice" this morning. yeah- i know the sensitive soul thing being squashed by some boorish jacka$$ that is soooooo self-involved they can't even "see" us much less realize what they're doing. much less care-
more and more i do really really realize it's not a personal thing we can "fix" - it's like an alcoholic or any kind of addiction that they have to want to fix it and then do itthemselves.
man- i'd kill for some cookies, peice of cake- SUGARRRRR. this morning...
it's soul-sucking to be on the receiving - caring end of it - i don't care like i used to. i can envision myself in a life (now) without him in it sometimes. it's a sad sad realization- they will shove it down our throats won't they???
they might be nuts - but it doesn't make it alright tho- does it??? like, if you kill someone while you're crazy- they still are dead and gone and painful for their loved ones - no matter how sane you get later. i am totally not so sure what one id gonna feel if they ever crawl out of their self-indulgent tunnel- maybe we're waiting at the other end (like a mole or varmit) (well- not me , but some people) with a shovel to just womp them over the head!!! maybe it all never goes away again- maybe once you realize they're capable of such insanity or cruelty - you can't ever go back to liking them or trusting them. i'm very very exotic this morning aren't I - no extra charge for exaggerations...
i think it's because we're the kind of people that "understand" and make allowances, etc. til our eyes bleed. but maybe there is a point of no-retrievableness . i've often thought i don't believe that the worst criminals are savable- that if you can kill once and see it as a "solution" or "acceptable" - you always might- given the right circumstance3s. that you're just - THAT KIND of person. should stay locked up.
i'm still stuck in the "it's their choice" thing- to one extent or another. i just can't get to the place of "me first - everyone else can go die- me first me first me first"
i am being a bit dramatic- sorry, i exaggerate sometimes.
guess for my h it's an only child kind of thing. i feel sorry and wouldn't ever want to be that. i may be a giant jacka$$ doormat- that's okay with me when i think of the alternative- ALLLLL ABOUT ME. what a way to go thru life.
yeah- the darn kids- they make me laugh like mad. taylor and i sit there tossing beanbags - you k now, hot potato- as fast as we can back & forth (about six) - what the heck is so darn hysterical about hitting each other with beanbags? i'm askin ya. and then occasionally the baby gets in the line of fire- even more hysterical. idk- simple pleasures huh?
THANK GOD there are others out there that can accept love & caring and return it- even if it's a baby or a dog or whatever one can find. and laughing- soooo simple with kids & babies. i swear- before we get allll RUINED by society and rules and "upbringing" - how great life would be if we just stay childlike and accepting and so forth.
WHAT IS IT that takes that out of us???? in life. lose the faith, trust, happiness, simplicity????
idk dawn- this woman has no answers.
i'm glad to hear ya this morning- hang on man- it's gonna be a big ride but you've stepped in adn begun. it's exciting kind of- to know one's direction- i'm feelin it vicariously- sometimes i actually look forward to when i'm "on my way" instead of waiting and waiting.
so like, what do you think??? if we agreed the three of us would meet somewhere in time square - or in front of the port of authority- wearing a red shirt or a red flower- would like fifty thousand people show uP?????
would we all BREAK INTO A DANCE ROUTINE - LIKE PARTY ROCK!!! WHO CAN KNOW...
IT WOULD BE A SCREAM- i'm thinking what the heck- when i get back up north- and the three of us are coolin our heels lets do it one day- no kidding.
i used to work in manhatten about fifty thousand years ago- i usually used to feel soooo like i needed protection to go into the city or maybe i just got needy of a man around - BUT YA KNOW WHAT- I'M NOT SO LAME .
What an interesting observation you had when you said, I see your past talking about it!
Funny, I didn't even recognize that. Like I am no longer willing to explain, or put myself thru this anymore, not even here.
I lay in bed this morning asking myself...what am I really turning my back on?
Positive...he cleans a mean set of dishes. I'm done!
Negative....sorry nobody needs me to explain all that again! We'll just say it's not good!
Positives of H leaving....the list is endless.
Negatives to H leaving...I worry about finances, not enough tho to continue living like this!
So I'm good! Let EA have him...she doesn't want him tho, but I don't care!
How are you doing in fl. Have you been to the beach? I used to go to fl every yr, my grandma lived in Avon Park, 2hrs south of Orland. I've been to Fort L once, friends had a house off high way one.
I hate the sarcasm, it's so ugly, and immature. You don't deserve digs, and jabs, your a grown woman.
Is this your last time going you think? Have you considered all your stuff there?
Hang in there Nero, we are coming out the other end of this, slowly but surly!
<3 dm
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
hey - somehow my damn pinky finger hits something on the left and i get whammed out of the water.
believe it or not- i'm feelin like old me alot lately.
i've kind of "had it" with this stinking being wounded thing- i'm hearing myself and thinking it's the darn sleep and being away from nj and my poor old mother being sewn to my back.
it's enough to make ya feel like you're sinking into the ground.
i'm getting pretty tired tho of this crappola. i never think i think of myself as a "victim" , but maybe. maybe i'm tired of that- if i'm allowing it- then i'm tired of that.
anyway- believe it or not- my sister and i went to europe twice for a few months each time- I got the tickets & eurail (and she used to tell me anyway) i pushed her into it. i never think i'm a very pushy or motivated guy - but hey??? i decided to do temporary legal secratary work after five years working for a sole practitioner- did it for 15 yrs - just walked in and introduced myself and said i was great, etc. - it worked out fine and dandy7 for many many years. I began doing craft shows and made enough money with my "art" to keep afloat for many years - and even ran a very successful christmas boutique(craft show) for six or seven years- I HAVE HAD my moments of taking charge and MAKIN it happen. i can do it- it's all getting to that particular point.
i am floating - i'm not sure if it's what i have to be doing still- "making sure" before i make soem move I view as pretty "final". i know nothing is final til we die- but it feels very "final" - i just want to be ready to accept the consequences. i mean READY...
I DON'T like re-inspecting and regrets because of imprudent actions or words or being precipitous. i think i can face myself because the things i've done that were really really big decisions in life involving other people - at the time i was really really SURE about it- and now i try to never go back and re-inspect what is done. i'm banking on myself having done my usual thorough soul-searching, etc. before taking any step.
(i'm talking divorce, puling the plug - you kn ow- bit stuff)
i hope to God i did the right things- i swear my heart was doing it's best in each case.
ANYWAY- MY POINT - don't worry on my account that i'm such a mamby pamby. i can be a big whiner when i'm wounded- i get comfrot from people sharing their own stories- i figure if i'm not honest about it all (good and bad) how can we all chat and share if everyone is prettying things up? rite..
anyway- so,do ya think we could really meet up? it would be funny- wonder how we'd look to each other- i have no mental pictures to go with people at this point.
OH YEAH- im thinking this morning. i've always always beeeen a saver - drummed into my head since i was born- first words: "a penny saved is a penny earned" or soemthing. i'm pretty neurotic bout it but alwasy thought the good news was that in an emergency, one usually needs some $$ and it's nice when some is there.
HOWEVER- WATCHING my mother lately and h's aunt (getting out of hospital today - eeeeeek - she's in the recuperating and mean as a snake mode) i'm thinking I FORCED MYSELF TO WALK BECAUSE THE REALLY EVEN BETTER - AND MORE LIKELY "SAFETY NET" of a sort is keeping fit. got thinking how decrepid she is from 70 or so years of smoking- i'm determined to be healthy til i fall off my twig. no kidding- latest thing i read says if you spend more of your day on your feet than your butt- you're doing good. got that down in a snap. now,
GOTTA KEEP ON SHUFFLIN -
XXOO gonna go play that darn video and dance til i sweat & drop
i would like my li8fe to look like a big garden with a big fields on the sides - with rolling hills and with a big old jerky sun in the corner smiling wildly- with a big nose and kindly eyes and those big old rays pouring down all across everything in sight - - and lots of light and people who laugh alot and get my sense of humour and don't take themselves seriously- starring me and a tray of new cookies and a few friends/neices/kids to eat them with - of course cold milk- and tight jeans that still look good despite the cookies- ta da... oh yeah- lots of paints & fabric and a giant freiendly wooden table to work on thati don't care if gets paint everywhere - and every room has at least one big window- perferrably ;more - - and shells & stones & things to glue everywhere - ta da...
i'm sick of serioyus - if i could win a lottery or find some job that actually paid enough to live on- i'd be good.
I am looking forward to school year beginning again- for some reason (delusional???) i think i can conquer this subst6ituting thing and actually get those little varmits to listen up - wierdly challenging. (instead of what it probably should be- scary for sure). idk-
strange isn't it the paths we head down that take us soemwhere we never thought we'd go or be or even want to be???
i get what you're sayin - believe me. when i left ex h - i didn't care one darn bit about being poor.
i'm a bit older now- a bit more spoiled maybe about not being soooo poor that i'm in a constant state of angst- i don't want ONLY THIs forever either tho.
i still can remember being happy- being cherished- someone being happy to see my face-
listening to taylor saying in back seat of car yesterday coming home from school - that she would like me to not go away so long - i tell her it's to help my mommy because her legs hurt and she's lonely.
i feel limited because of h and this stupid sitch- i hate that and want to be part of this kid's life-
i'm not letting him prevent me from that - somehow - some way.
idk dawn- im reading some book and the girl gets her heart broken by a guy so she's making up her "good riddance' list - she and a freidnd always did it forever - when breaking up or broken heart
it was making me laugh because the guy was cute and nice in a million ways - but she was talking about his nose hair and his teeth click when he chews - and i've noticed it lately with h - his teeth kind of "clang" and i find myself thinking - ''
"what the heck is up with that - banging your teeth on each otehr?"
it made me laugh- I'M GONNA WORK on my list of that. usually i'm listing what i have to be grateful for- i forget to list WHAT I WILL NOT MISS
the stupid sarcasm- i agree. childish and just stow it.
if he's got to have envetything in his life in compartments and feels more comfortable with r on a computer and they['re more important to him- HAVE THEM. HAVE OW - HAVE WHATEVER
i don't care - i am soooo much more than that- and sooo much more of everything (like REAL COMES TO MIND) than all that rubbish.
he thinks it will alllll always be there- I WILL ALWAYS BE THERE. HE'S wrong as can be- just doesn't have a clue.
oph well- not my job to save him- only my job to saveme. - rite??
anyway- YOU AND DONE TALKIN. i feel it- the other day a friend was asking me what is status, etc.- it just made me tired and bored to even think about it. i'm not forgetting or forgiving really-
i'm just done rehashing it- booooorrrring TO ME.
for this moment it is what it is- don't even know- don't even care.
one way or the other it will wind itself out- i'll end up okay- or ranting my head off about raw deal and poverty- idk - there are a million equally likely outcomes and possibilities i think.
i am amazed at the bredth & depth of my not carringness.
LIGHTER NOTE_- ALLL MY dopey sisters who generally don't give a damn and leave mother & allllll of that in my lap-
jointly paniced last cople days because of the lost purse (she loses it several times a weeek) and stitches.-
soooo yesterday up-tight- power couple sister began canceling everything in the universe- big big panick
this morning my mothre is telling me on phone they found it- in the tee shirt drawer of some dresser- I TOLD them look in drwers & cabinets - she hide it lately-
anyway- she's asking me if i put it there -cripes!!!
what a joke- they're all a little beehive of activity and caring- makes me laugh (and then puke of course)
oh well-
today- just for today- i'm fine and dandy. sore throat i can't figurwe out- low low in my throat - like a small apple down there when i swallow but not really sick-
who knows- maybe i'll float on thru the rest of this whole process not caring- brain dead - and (dare i hope) sleeping better.
i'm dreaming i know- maybe i'm having some wierd sense of security down here from years and years of life -
idk- i kind of hope not- i don 't know if this guy can ever go bck to being a nice guy without ciragettes.
watching this aunt dying (well, slowely but surely) isn't going to make him pick up a ciragette-
maybve that particular drug was what iloved him on- without it he's -
doesn't matter & don't care-
not what i'd like to deal with every day for rest of my life.
i want a little more from my life- if nothing more tha peace & nice-ness. i'm nice- why don't i get to just expect my life and people in it to be the same???
xxoo - from the land of nice. \ glad you're good- i haven't been to beach- forgot about it. getting kids in afternoons is BUSY busy busy- I CAN'T seem to find time for anyting- and have not done a lick of cleaning-
it's ratty- i'm not inspired. idk if it's last time here- honestly- will see how this plays out. when aunt is home fro hosp - maybe he'll go travel to ow- maybe i'll blow a gasket- maybe ill say go f yourslef. i'm sooooo bad and such a name-caller. you'd think i'd have someitng more profound to say or think about that wouldn't you.
oh well- anything at all in the universe is possible here- will report.
went into computr den for a pen- and saw little open password & e-mail addr book-
I DIDN'T SNOOP. i'm serious- I KNOW NOW WHAT the hell is going on - i don't need to see anymore or read anymore to make me disgusted with this h. i'm sue there's waaaay more even than i know- thank you- what i know is quie enough for me to leave and never look back (when i get the gumption)....
i walked out-
like, i should do THAT to myself - for what? i'm askin ya???
that's all- well, that and looking back for some reason on a time or two and ratty things he said or did- with new "eyes" - bad idea i know- but hey- i never said i was perfect here.
sometimes a gal's brain goes there- i'm thinking of this "good riddance" list in the book - for a person who broke your heart -
one day i cleaned house allllll day on my day off - he walked in- not a word, so stupid me says " looks good huh?
he replies soemthing $hitty like you shouldn't do it if you're only doing it for praise- " really?????- do you think for one minute stupid ole me put 2 and 2 together and got 4" i don't think so.
i just thought he was a selfish rat of a rude jerk- never thought he was a cheating selfish rat of a rude jerk-
oh well huh???
he just called to tell me about trials and tribultions at the hospital and aunt's release & so on- like, sorry buddy, do you think i really give a damn???? it's almost humurous how much he must think I CARE about his little troubles.
been thru soooo many "adventures" and hospitalizations and 5 am calls to go to hospital - thinking it's a heart attack, thinking it's a stroke, practically dying of a un-diagnosed staph infection - etc.-
WHAT? HIM THERE, I DON'T THINK SO- probably boinking old fat a$$ ow w/her big brown dog eyes- thanks alot for the support man...
oh man- i am soooo evil and making myself laugh. i know, i've got to quit the name calling and conquer the ratty language before schol starts. these kids have awful profane language - but hey- little tykes have their "rights" whereas, ole me will probably get canned for saying ssssshhhhhhhuuuuuutttttttup already- !!!
