Still at Square One!!!

[DFE]

My previous thread titled Back to Square One AGAIN!!! has somehow been deleted so I will give everyone a brief history.

H and I have been together since college. He was madly in love with me at the time. We have been together for 19+ years and married for 10. We have twin boys that are 4 years old. After we got married he started acting different. In 2005 he dropped the first bomb ILYBINILWY speech and all. I was having health issues and needed surgery so he stayed. In 2006 after my surgery he dropped it again and we separated. I moved back in a month later because I didn't want to abandon my house and he never left.

2008 we had our boys and he was happy. Said he had the best life and couldn't wait to get the boys home. He had also told me that he was sorry for everything he put me through and that he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me. We had our ups and downs. Sex life improved because he went on medication for imbalanced hormones. Mood improved as well. Then last year he went off of the medication. We got into an argument and he dropped another bomb on me. Are the two things related? I don't know. I seem to think they can be.

He has suffered from depression and anxiety in the past. The medication helped all of that and he seemed happy. He couldn't keep his hands off of me and was so into me. Then in July we had the fight and in September he moved out. He moved back in the house in March but left again after an argument in June.

I miss him dearly. Even those annoying habits he had are so missed right now. I see him almost daily because we are business owners together. He is very friendly to me and acts as if nothing is going on but says he is happy with the separation.

Last night he went to visit his sister who just had surgery. He calls me on his way home to tell me she is doing great. Funny because I didn't ask. He then text me and said we need to go do some medical tests to make sure we don't have anything lurking. Why does he still contact me about stuff like that? He is always texting or IM'ing me. Is it habit? I am still his best friend or so he tells me. How can someone throw that kind of friendship away??

I really don't know how to act. I am trying to be friendly but I also think that too friendly isn't good. He wants to take the kids to a baseball game and do all sorts of things as a family. Although it's an opportunity to show him the new me I also feel like if he doesn't miss out on any family things he won't know the reality of divorce. We wont remain like this forever.

So that's my story. I look forward to all the feedback and responses I get from everyone. This site is keeping me going. What makes a WAS come back?

[lost_hope]

I don't know the answer to your question and I am not a vet so I cannot even begin to advise. I just want to say I am sorry you are going through this. It is especially hard when someone keeps walking away over and over. It's hard to trust the person and may lead to some issues if and when you do reconcile.

My H does the same. He claims every day to not want me (and boy does he show it too) but when the mood strikes him he wants to tell me about his day and vent his frustrations. And God forbid I don't text him back or answer my phone -- he goes nuts. I am starting to think my H just likes me as a friend and nothing more and I should just let him go.

[DFE]

LostHope I'm sorry this is how your first pregnancy is going. Unfortunately it's always something you will remember. Right now as hard as it is try to focus on your baby as that's all that's important right now. I hope all works out for you as well. I agree the hardest part is that this the 3rd time he's done this to me. I am tired at this point. I was looking at my picture from 3 years ago and I am unrecognizable. The stress has really gotten to me and at some point I need to say enough is enough. I am done. I wish I was done and ready to move on for my own sake. For now I keep on hoping.

[DFE]

So I was talking to a friend about my sitch today. She knows and loves both of us and has been super supportive. One of very few people who know what's going on. So here is her take on things and I tend to agree with her.

She said H feels very insignificant in our life. He has always lived in my shadow. I am very ambitious and started our business. Everyone looks at me as the owner and he is my husband. He has even been called by my last name on multiple occasions. So in the business world he doesn't feel as accomplished as his wife.

Then there are the kids. He hasn't had to do anything with them since they were born. My mom is very hands on and has been my sidekick for their entire lives. She has helped me with everything mostly to not overwhelm my H. I think that's backfired because again in his home life that made him feel insignificant.

I use the word insignificant because my H has said that to me before. That he feels very insignificant. My friend thought I should have one last talk with him logically and calmly and just tell him that he is so important to me and the kids. And that I am so proud of him for stepping up and taking such good care of them since we have been separated. I don't think that's a good idea as he has rejected me so many times. Every time I tell him he gets furious with me that I want to make him stay.

Seems like a logical way to handle things but a WAS doesn't always think logically!!!!

[DFE]

H texts me regularly. Always with a purpose not just to chit chat. Things like we need to get appointments for a full body scan or I went to get blood work and had to stand in line for two hours. I know he's trying to remain friends but its so confusing for me.

I know part of this is because I have withdrawn for him so much. All the rejection I've received from him has made me to into my shell. I already have a tough time showing affection and then every time I did he would push me away so I closed up. Last time we were separated I text him good night one night andnhenwas so happy. Said I hadn't said that to him in years.

I hugged him before he moved and he said I hadn't done that in years and that he loved it. I'm so lost as to how to act around him. I am at an advantage because we work together and I see him daily but I am shut down. I am nice but not overly friendly. I am not affectionate and just confused as to how to act. Suggestions?

Do I text him once in a while and say things like good night ? I'm afraid of him getting more distant as time goes on. I know he still loves me. I don't think he wants this but doesn't know what else to do. There has been no emotion in our M in a long time.

[lost_hope]

LostHope I'm sorry this is how your first pregnancy is going. Unfortunately it's always something you will remember. Right now as hard as it is try to focus on your baby as that's all that's important right now. I hope all works out for you as well. I agree the hardest part is that this the 3rd time he's done this to me. I am tired at this point. I was looking at my picture from 3 years ago and I am unrecognizable. The stress has really gotten to me and at some point I need to say enough is enough. I am done. I wish I was done and ready to move on for my own sake. For now I keep on hoping.

Thanks for your kind words. I am trying, it is exceedingly difficult. I do know it is going to get easier to detach when the baby arrives ... well beacuse I'll have a new absolutely adorable and most important priority. In the meantime, this is death by a thousand cuts.

I agree with you with wanting to move on but also keeping hope alive. It's a tough balance, especially since we have both been LBSs more than once. "If" he came back how would I trust that he wouldn't leave again. He promised me when he came back last time that he wouldn't leave me, that we would work through our problems that will inevitably arise. Then he does this again ... and in the middle of my pregnancy. At this point I don't even really know if I want him or why. I can't tell you why except that I innately love him and I repect my marriage vows "for better or worse".

[DFE]

H texts me regularly. Always with a purpose not just to chit chat. Things like we need to get appointments for a full body scan or I went to get blood work and had to stand in line for two hours. I know he's trying to remain friends but its so confusing for me.

I know part of this is because I have withdrawn for him so much. All the rejection I've received from him has made me to into my shell. I already have a tough time showing affection and then every time I did he would push me away so I closed up. Last time we were separated I text him good night one night andnhenwas so happy. Said I hadn't said that to him in years.

I hugged him before he moved and he said I hadn't done that in years and that he loved it. I'm so lost as to how to act around him. I am at an advantage because we work together and I see him daily but I am shut down. I am nice but not overly friendly. I am not affectionate and just confused as to how to act. Suggestions?

Do I text him once in a while and say things like good night ? I'm afraid of him getting more distant as time goes on. I know he still loves me. I don't think he wants this but doesn't know what else to do. There has been no emotion in our M in a long time. I think that started with me. What do I do?

[chasingpavements]

DFE, to me, it's all about trial and error with the affection. I don't think it would hurt any to try a few more things, like a nice text to him or giving him a hug. Start slowly and see how he reacts! Like my DB coach told me, test and check. If it is working, and eliciting a positive response, keep doing it! If not, back away again. It sounds like the last time you reached out to him there was a positive response, so why not try again, but just start slowly.

[DFE]

So I snooped tonight. I know a big no no. S4 woke up covered in blood. He had a bloody nose and it was bleeding everywhere. I text H because I freaked out a bit. When he didnt respond I looked up our cell phone bill and found he text a girl tonight that lives near his apartment. I may be jumping to conclusions but my mind is racing.

My H is out there free to do whatever he wants with whomever he wants. He is very handsome and will have no problem finding a girlfriend. What do I do? I don't ask right? I hate this and the longer it goes on the more chance there is that he will stray.

[lost_hope]

DFE, I'm in the same boat. H texted me where/who he's going to be with. But I don't even know to think bc during our last episode he started EA with his ex "before" we officially separated. Now that we're separated, no sex, and me distancing plus him hanging out with single buddy I have no clue what he's up to. I just said "ok" to the text and proceeded to text info about tomorrow (his family is on town and we have to play happy families - which is awful bc all I want to do is crumple into a ball). Anyway my H is also quite the looker. The only thing I have is that he won't take off his ring (yet) so hopefully it will keep some stupid girls away, though if its his ex again she's a raging wh*re so she won't care a bit. I hate this ... I'm 180-ing and distancing so will make sure i pretend I'm sleeping when he gets back. I actually don't think he's cheating this time but I also am not naive enough to think it can't happen. I hate this. I just want my life and marriage back.