I recently discovered that my wife has been having an affair. I discovered this by basically looking into her private business on an online social network when I suspected something was going on. So we both have trust issues at this point.
We are both in our early 50's have been married for 20 years. We do have a teenage son recently off to college.
I have not been an overly affectionate person and recently between work and a just plain lacking on my part I forced my wife to look outside our relationship. The affair with this also married man has been going on 2-3 months.
When I discovered the affair I was of course upset and had trouble eating, sleeping, etc. After reading about other similar situations which others are having I have healed somewhat or just learned to deal with it better.
Regardless of what she has done I do not want to divorce the love of my life and my soul mate. Two words (among others) which my wife has not heard from me recently. I have asked her if she wants a divorce to which she no and that she wants to give our marriage a chance.
The stumbling block here is that she does want to continue seeing this man and says that she needs to as he has been a positive part of her life when I have not. This man tells her that he only wants what's best for her. This relationship is physical and I know she has feelings for him. Due to my love for my wife and desire not to hurt her I have told to keep seeing this man if she needs to but to limit the physical contact. She said she will try. Sorry if I seem like a whimp here by this is how deeply I love her.
As mentioned this other man is married and has children. I hear that his marriage may not be a happy one. This may be why he and my wife connected in the first place, having this in common. I do not think this man would leave his family if it cam down to it. This man is a friend of a friend my wife has know for some time. As far as I know the affair is only recent though.
As I have now been made aware of my shortcomings I am changing myself and giving her the love and attention she deserves. Unfortunately some of my actions (flowers and cards) have been seen as acts desperation as I have not done this in some time. Looking back I get this now. This was also pointed out to her by the other man. This makes it extremely difficult for me to change myself as I sometimes do not know where the line between an honest positive attempt to change on my part and what would considered only a desperate attempt.
I would appreciate an comments or advise from anyone in my situation. I want to keep my wife more than be expressed in words.
If I have left out any details which would better explain please let me know.
As you are finding out, the flowers, cards etc routine don't work. What does work is often counter intuitive to what we think. The DB coaches are experts in getting you on the right track quickly, by helping you know what type of approach would be most effective and what won't work. I am sure you will get support here, but please consider starting out with a coach to get specific direction that is going to be most beneficial. You will also want to discuss your acceptance of your wife seeing the OM while you are still living together, which might backfire on you. Take good care.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
Thanks Karen. I have been contemplating a phone call. As I am in the initial stages of shock and pain I am still researching and trying to gather myself. I definetly understand the negative part of the OM but am afraid if I put my foot down I may loose her. Thanks again.
The only way you can save your marriage is to tell her she can NOT have both of you in her life - that you will understand if she chooses not to let go of him but, if she does, you'll be filing for divorce.
My wife and I had a talk last night. She tells me that the relationship with the OM is now limited. I did tell her that the ongoing relationship with this OM would distract from ours.
I did question weather or not this OM would actualy leave is current wife should my wife and I divorce thereby freeing her for him. She did seem confident that he would but there was doubt in her mind. I told her my biggest fear (other than loosing her) is that we would separate and this OM would then say "i cannot leave my wife", breaking my wifes heart. I told her that if that did happen I would and always be here for here. Hope this does give her the idea that if she tries and it does not work she will have someone to fall back on. Maybe I should not have said this but it's how I feel. She can do nothing that would stop me from loving here until the day I die. Think this may have already been proven by the fact that we are still together after the affair.
I think she still has strong feelings for me but may be confused as to what she wants and needs. I am re-inventing myself and the way I treat my wife after the past months in which I have failed her emotionaly. She has told me that she sees the difference but hopes its not just a temporary phase. I told her that what I am doing is honest and sincere and makes me feel better and closer to her too.
At this point we are working to re-build our trust and love for each other. I don't know how much time she is going to give this but am trying to move my improvements slowly and not to rush things (a difficult task).
a db coach will help you in your sitch. I highly recommend it once you are ready. i understand your desperation. it's so difficult to think of yourself when you're life has been turned upside down.
review the 37 rules. they will save you!
also, how do you know when the (WAS) is lying? they are moving their lips ;-)
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
also get the book "Divorce Remedy" by Michele Weiner Davis and read it. you can get it from Amazon or maybe even your public library. it will help you determine which actions are "reinventing yourself" and which are "desperate attempts".
W and I went out of town recently for my biz. From the time we got on the plane until the time we returned it was like we were connected and back to the loving relationship we shared in the past. It was like a switch was flipped and everything was good again. Assume this may be due to fact that being away from home (and reality somewhat) brought us together. Is this what an affair is like? All good, happy, and free of life's responsibilities. No wonder it can be so attractive.
I have been using the 37 rules but this weekend they went out eh window when everything was going so well between us. My bad.
During the trip she showed definite signs of jealousy towards women I had contact with. I am confused by this. Considering that she cheated on me, how could she be jealous and what gives her the right to be jealous?
Once we returned our relationship fell back into the place it was before we left. Not sure if maybe she had contact with the OM who brought her back to earth or what.
She might be feeling like I did. I felt like I didn't deserve to be treated normally. Maybe there was lots of tension being back in your environment, tension from the guilt she must be feeling.
