You're right the problem is not this individual exchange of behaviours but the underlying problem of communication -- which, trust me, is not unique to your sitch alone.
Your H made a choice in the way that he choose to communicate his emotional state at the time the hug was not reciprocated. You made a choice in how you were going to respond to his response, ad nauseum. Now, the problem that I see her is that for you it seems no big deal, but obviously it is a big deal to Mat. How you figure out to reconcile this disparity is the real challenge.
Now, as to the label; Passive/Agressive I tend to disagree with you there. I do not see this exchange as indicating Passive/Aggressive behaviours on the part of Mat. Now, had he simply walked off and sulked, not telling you (even when you inquired) what the underlying problem was then that would definitely send up a red flag. However, I agree that the way this was communicated is not very pleasant for either party.
My suggestion is that in the future you try to meet this sort of communication with humour. Yep, heard me right. Defuse the emotional situation before it gets a chance to fester. Take a look at the way you indicated the exchange between you and D.
It's really got to suck that you feel this way when your H does this sort of thing. Please remember that you are in control of your own responses, without too much effort you can look at this in a humorous light. Maybe thats what your H was trying to do, mask his own slight hurt with humour -- he just isn't very good at it?
This sounds as if it is a custom made situation for DB'ing. You have a behaviour on your H's part that you react negatively towards. Changing that behaviour is the goal. Now remember, DB'ing is all about the butterfly effect, you do not attempt to directly change your partner's behaviour, rather you try various solutions based on changing your own behaviour (as the only behaviour you really have total control over). Monitor results and do more of what works.
You are a bright woman, I am sure that you can come up with several, if not dozens of different ways to react in these situations. Experiment and monitor. Keep those responses which improve the sitch and ditch those that don't. Also, please keep in mind that your pride and feeling of self-worth are not derived from what other people say or do, but from what you yourself say and do.
Peace Out
Brought to you by a preadapted, preeminent analysis engine, and therein lies the root of all evil.
Charcoal, Maybe you have a cute butt and H wanted more than a hug Me thinks you making way to biga deal about this hug stuff!! Posted a long ramble to ya at my place. H just needed you to respond then and was being pissy. It's little stuff Feelings are not good or bad they just are.....
Kip
Hello LL!
"Those who don't read, have no
advantage over those who can't"
Mark Twain
Utterly ~ you called me *bright*, that's nice, thanks for that. And, thank you for the most level-headed reply, exactly what I was looking for...
It's been hard, well, duh! But, H definitely fits many psychological schemes. P/A, Emotional Blackmailer, whatever... but I do think most every one exhibits these types of behavior some of the time. It's just hard for me. I'm arrogant and not humble. I need to figure out how not to make these exchanges such big deals for me. I'll say it again. It is hard. We've been doing this crap for 12 years...
Deep Breath
and LostLove, I am a complete brat. I read your posts and I think that's how my H must feel. You're so honest with your anger that I take it personally to the point of defending. That's why I'm less than nice to you sometimes, I'm projecting my H onto you. It's not right, and I should just try compassion ~ like I ask H to do for me. I'll quit it now. I'm really sorry.
Quote: but MY acts of kindness to him are FOR him... NOT for me... you see what I'm saying here?
There is another way of thinking about this, your acts of kindness to HIM are for YOU!!! Because it is where your happiness comes from, from doing nice things for other people. When he says something P/A he is testing you in a way to prove that you haven't changed, when he gets no response, when you don't take the bait then he has to relate to you in a different way. Might take him a while to figure that out though! The other DB thing you mentioned was about trying to get the cheese into the tunnel and that is what you're working on I think. But you are the mouse not the lab assistant, you have to look in the other tunnels that you haven't checked out.
Quote: and LostLove, I am a complete brat. I read your posts and I think that's how my H must feel. You're so honest with your anger that I take it personally to the point of defending. That's why I'm less than nice to you sometimes, I'm projecting my H onto you. It's not right, and I should just try compassion ~ like I ask H to do for me. I'll quit it now. I'm really sorry.
no problem...just don't let it happen again!! ha ha ha !!
it's normal to project here...but keep in mind..no two people are alike..sure there may be similarities..but my thoughts and feelings are mine your h may or may not feel the same way.
Quote: It's not right, and I should just try compassion ~ like I ask H to do for me.
ha ha ha !!