Hoper continues..

[hoper]

Hello,
I lost my previous thread..Hoper1's story..
I guess not been posting regularly ..
Musings and update..
Well, no D talk lately..Until a few months ago H would open his mouth and go wah! I want a D .. Like its the biggest candy in the store and I need to buy it for him..
Many BD later I am no longer apprehensive and I know now will no longer be so easily startled by his thoughts and demands..
No idea why he stopped d talk.. Could be job threat.. Texting is way less..not sure whether all ok in A town..

He initiates conversations.. Makes plans which involve s.. Suggests restaurants with my fav cuisine..
But no talk of 'I want work on this marriage' either , hence not taking any of the above too seriously , just appreciate the changes as compared to the previous year..

He does not share much what's going on his life even regarding the job search..
That hurts as until now we always use to dissect the pro's and cons together..

I get the feeling that he no longer wants to lash out and blame me for everything but neither does he feel enough for me to work on this marriage..

So onto maybe a new limbo land then..

Me..
I feel stronger ..I do feel I will be able to tackle anything that the future brings..
I do hope that it's not only due to the less texting..

I have been trying to do the right thing most of the times.. That's what db is all about I think.. Being purely reactive to an MLC er weakened me..

I am fairly detached I like to believe, don't go around dancing if he initiates LM..as he yet doesn't make any plans that just involve me so that says it all too..
Enjoying my time with s..signed up for a new course.. Yet looking out for part time options..

I do like to come here because of the wonderful people here ..they make this journey way less painful and surprisingly even fun..

Thanks guys!!

[ForeverYoung]

Hi hoper!

Until a few months ago H would open his mouth and go wah! I want a D .. Like its the biggest candy in the store and I need to buy it for him..

OMG! This made me laugh so hard I just had to reply. Do you write for Letterman?

I'm glad to hear H stopped talking about D. That's a good sign.

Many BD later I am no longer apprehensive and I know now will no longer be so easily startled by his thoughts and demands..

I feel stronger ..I do feel I will be able to tackle anything that the future brings..

Good for you! That's the key right there.

I do like to come here because of the wonderful people here ..they make this journey way less painful and surprisingly even fun..

Thanks guys!!

I know, right? I also love the folks here. Being able to sometimes laugh about this stuff REALLY goes a long way to getting through it, I'd say.

Bust On, hoper!

[hoper]

Ha ha FY, thanks for stopping by..it's a great time to tell you I admire what you are doing for your relationship.. A man doing so much to nurture it is the sweetest thing ever..all the men here for that matter..

Yes , I think most of us here surprise ourselves with our writing skills .. Of all the skills don't expect those to come through at a time like this

[hoper]

So its been 2 months since H went to OW city.. no idea whether she came down..

so a couple of days ago he announces a business trip to OW city..he is seriously looking for a job so wonder why his company would send him now when he is supposed to be winding up his affairs..

Tempted to but do not ask him anything..not even the hotel name..always wonder what would happen in case of emergency!!

He initiates LM the night before he leaves..???

When he is there i ask him the address of his yoga class (yup my MLCer H is into yoga!!) he tells me that will text the teacher to say that his wife would be coming for class..

So far has refused to take me to his office parties, does not put any pics ofmine on FB but dosent mind sharing his yoga teacher..Weird..

Anyways the comedy continues..

Some months back had threatened that if i would not move out he would move out of the MBR and he would then present the facts to the lawyer that we are seperated though living in the same house..

Fastforward 6 months he moved out briefly from the MBR..moves back post vacation.

Sometimes when S sneaks in the middle of the night in our B , H has a harrowing night..as S usually kicks him ..(he is my hero:))

so as H had not been sleeping too well the past few nights I suggested to h that he sleep that night in S 's room after S sneaked in again..H mumbled something but did not go ..

Weird..

It hurts that while he 'dating' OW i am responsible for his MLC mother.., S and the house..

It hurts , i cry but wallow a little less.. spring back faster...immerse myself with something else..

focus a bit on the positives and wait for another day..

To Us,

Cheers!

[hoper]

Well ...

SO H has contiues to hold his head as if in deep thought or shame..
He continues looking at the fish more intently if at all that were possible..

The other day accepts a social invitation from one of my college friends..her h spoke to my h as they are good friends ..he saywe should go..

we go without s have a decent time..

Then my sis and her h who are visiting my folks bump into him ..my bro -in- law asks him for the family lunch gettogether..

he tells them sure..

then he comes home and asks me who all are going to be there..I tell him that my family and my bro-in- law family will be there..he says in that case he wants to avoid it as nithing really has changed..he is not able to focus on the D as he has no job clarity ..he asked me why i havent been to the C..
And what does my Bro-in -law know of our sitch

..I just reply that as he has decided to not stay in touch with my family lets leave it at that and that who knows how much should not matter...and that i have other responsibilities and i believe i am doing the best i can in the current scenario..

so he believes that once he has a great job offer he can then proceed with the D...till then we continue to live like casual friends and he can indulge in need based LM..i have stopped initiating since i thought that would be like baking the cake for him..

so did have my doubts and he has clarifiied them..

he does not process that this time that we spend together almost like a perfect family to S will have an impact on him..

i am supposed to be doing my wifely duties till the time is right for him to proceed with D..
then i will just agree as i have been forewarned already and hence he can continue the A too ..

Ya well..MLC svks !!!!

[hoper]

Update..

We spend the entire day together on his birthday..go on a long drive to a nearby resort..get up early in the morning to gether..visit a place of worship closeby..
then go with S for a swim..chat spend the day like a normal family..
he wears the shirt i got him..admires the card..

the secrets continue.. says he has to go out of town for an interview..gives me details about the job without me asking..
does not explain why he will have to spend a overnight..

i just wish him luck and leave it at that..

i feel strong but then the doubts do surface ..the extent of his lies tell me how weak he feels as a person that he needs to cover up so many of his actions..his actions now hurt less..

Strangely , i am getting used to this limbo land..where the world is perfect in the eyes of my child..though i feel i can handle it i am not sure i can explain anything of this to s..

so it tells me that i am here mostly because of s and not because i have faith that he is going to commit fully to this marraige which is really not such a great thing..

life is busy..s makes it so beautiful that some days i dont even remember the pain ..

Going off topic here.. the other day s who kinda knows he is adopted tells me his stomach hurts and that maybe there is a baby in his stomach.. i laugh and tell him thats not possible , only girls ( he calls the entire female race girls) can have them..then he remembers the story i told him that as i could not carry one in mine i had to pray hard to God.. And then God thought long and hard as S being a very special baby and had to make sure he goes to people who deserve such a sweet one..

The next question he asks me did i go up to heaven to get him then !!!