She is gone and not coming back

[SFC_Swede]

I appreciate everyones advice and well aware of the legal rights I have. But if I dont leave, she has stated she will. I cant handle this house alone monetarily...and it isnt fair to my SS to make him leave his home and stuff.

I did this...its all on me.

[Wonka]

Swede,

It has bothered me that her mother and family have ghosted me as well. Her mother and I had a great relationship, and I treated her really well and often was there for her when her kids werent. So I sent her a private message basically saying that I was disappointed that she hasnt contacted me in months.

Family bonds are thicker than blood. It's best to leave the family out of your sitch.

[MrBond]

See that's what the problem is and has been. You continue to do things that aren't DB. You had a backslide and that's understandable. Learn from it and move on. In terms of your MIL, you have to understand that regardless of how close you thought you were, your W is her daughter.

[MileHigh]

He's right about that. Despite my current sitch, I once did this DB thing right for a while... but the biggest mistake I made pre-DB the first time was to involve my W's father in discussing our problems. It was devistating to effort and caused problems between them. He was absent most of her life, and she felt he was not on her side. This has been brought up again by W in current sitch, so it was definately not forgotten about. I also ended up getting my mom too involved. Best to keep family and friends at a distance - if it must be discussed, i am going with "we're working on some issues" or something like that.

[MrCAS]

I tried to get the in-laws involved to a point pre-DB and it blew up in my face.

When my mother tried to get involved, I told her it was none of her business and not a topic for discussion.

So, you can teach an old dog new tricks.

[SFC_Swede]

I should have known better. I read Sandi2's rules all the time, especially when I am feeling weak and about to do something stupid. Its just tough. I still care despite the sitch, and she doesnt care at all...at least as far as I can tell. She is focused on moving on without me.

Given how she treated her 1st XH...I am afraid I am going to end in the same boat. She is the kind of girl that when shes done, shes done.

[lost_hope]

This post makes me sad. Please don't leave unless you really want to. You didn't do anything wrong, she did. Sure you didn't follow DB rules but we all slip up sometimes. Doesn't mean you have to take on so much guilt and leave. I'm not a vet so maybe I'm way off base but what about calling her bluff. She says either you leave or she does --- where is she going to go? Of course it may be better for you mentally to leave. But please don't take on so much guilt. It's not your fault she is carrying on with another man in hotel rooms. Your reaction is normal. Remember DB is counterintuitive. Take care of yourself and no rash decisions about living arrangements.

[completelylost]

Don't beat yourself up. Just get back on the horse, I know it [censored] and what i'm trying to learn is to really trust GOD with my whole heart, mind, and soul. I can only imagine the pain, but don't give up. You made a vow and I know it sounds cliche but it's true. Now that doesn't mean be a punching bag either. Be strong, Be firm, Be masculine, Show Humility and Compassion. This was a passage from the love dare that has been a tremendous blessing to me maybe it can help you.

"But that's not the issue with love. Love positively acts; it doesn't negatively react. Love rises above the cloudy circumstances and soars above the storm. It defies common, self-centered logic. It chooses to honor even when it's rejected. Love treats it's beloved as special and sacred even when an ungrateful attitude is all it gets in return. It refuses to be pulled back into the hole of self-centered living."

Now this is for you! Love yourself too! I'm not saying what you should do one way of the other, I would def reconsider moving out. Get a roommate if you can't afford the place alone. I understand you trying to be the NOBLE man, but... It's like this we follow the Geneva Code that other countries might not live by. Sometimes you must play by the rules that have been established... Don't be nasty or cruel, but be firm. We sometimes hope that they will see the good but reality right now is they won't. Let her see that the "Knight in shiny armour is really just a clown in an aluminum suit" Hoah. Remember General order #1...

[LBH_LC]

SFC_Swede, I just wanted to say I sympathize with what you're going through with the in-laws. I haven't heard a peep from any of my in-laws since BD. I think the reason it hurts so much is that it's another rejection and a negation of the bonds you previously thought were unbreakable. Now we realize they're all just words, and like so many things, easily rescindable when they become inconvenient.

My word, I'm feeling negative today. I apologize.

[SFC_Swede]

SFC_Swede, I just wanted to say I sympathize with what you're going through with the in-laws. I haven't heard a peep from any of my in-laws since BD. I think the reason it hurts so much is that it's another rejection and a negation of the bonds you previously thought were unbreakable. Now we realize they're all just words, and like so many things, easily rescindable when they become inconvenient.

My word, I'm feeling negative today. I apologize.

Ok, I dont feel like I am alone in the wilderness here. You nailed it exactly! Yes, it broke Sandi2's rule...I should have and do know better...but the constant rejection of people who previous to BD that were so caring and loving, and whom I gave my unconditional support and love just got to me.

I am just tired of being alone. And the M and impending D is just one layer of the mess that is my life right now. Some days its hard to get up and find a reason to continue. I have been abandoned by my government, my community, and family...and for what? I wronged no one...only got myself hurt in service to each of them. Not to sound depressed and negative...but theres a quote that I found that mirrors my current state of mind:

"I was prepared to fight, I was prepared to be wounded, I was prepared to be captured, I was even prepared to die. But I wasnt prepared to be abandoned".