Dropping the Rope

[littleGTO]

VERY INTERESTING CONVERSATION WITH H TODAY...

He came to house and we talked--he was very depressed (and has been). He did 95% of the talking.

Some things he said...
- He doesn't know what to do moving forward (huh??? we have an 2nd apptmt w new mediator on Tuesday --haven't filed any papers yet, though)
- Said he wished someone would make a decision for him.
- Said things aren't likely to work out w OW (didn't elaborate and I didn't ask)
- Said he missed family life.
- Said boys seem to be doing well and I am doing an amazing job with them.
- Said he doesn't know how he'll ever get over feelings (for OW)
- Said maybe we should just continue through life like neighbors who lived separate lives but in same house...for the kids & for financial reasons
- He cried.
- I listened A LOT & held my tongue A LOT.

I said..
- Sorry you are having such a difficult time.
- Said it is difficult to understand each other's perspectives but that I do understand his struggle.
- That I deserve someone who wants to be with me and wants to do life with me and loves me.
- That I will not be Plan B for anyone.
- That I will not live w him in the same house in a loveless M.
- That I will not model a "fake M" for our children.
- That I think children have already been through the worst--his moving out.

I didn't really know how to respond to most of what he was saying so I just tried to be a good listener. I mostly just wanted him to leave so I could move on with my day. I know- cold of me, but I truly was irritated by his "I don't know how I'll even get over feelings for OW comment."

When he cried I really didn't feel too sorry for him...just a little unaffected...like he created this, so now he needs to figure out his own way forward.

INTERESTING.... don't know what will happen in the next week, month, but I will continue to move on with my own life. Not really sure if I would even consider R with him at this point. He would have to really jump through a lot of hoops through a very long time.

And, in the meantime I am looking forward to continuing to GAL with new friends, start a new job in a week and a half, and maybe see cute D'ed guy.

THOUGHTS????

[MrCAS]

Woo hoo! Sounding good.

Interesting chat with your H...

[longrun]

littleGTO, perfect to the "T". You are a DB master. Let him cry and you GAL, GAL, GAL. He must want to fight for you, not only on one day but consistently - or you'll find a better man at your side. Congratulations, you are in a good position earned the hard way.

[JuneReN]

Are you SURE you don't have my husband? LOL, except for the missing kids part (because I don't think my H does at all) and the crying, it sounds very familiar.

You did well, really well. He'll get over the feelings. I think he is but he made this decision and isn't ready to admit it was the wrong one Turtle. He can't yet.

What do you think? I like your boundaries. Have been thinking about how I tend to be H's Plan B everytime he is between women. Okay, the once. LOL He can't be alone so subbed me in. Now he is hot and heavy with newbie, no more me

[AnotherStander]

I said..
- Sorry you are having such a difficult time.
- Said it is difficult to understand each other's perspectives but that I do understand his struggle.
- That I deserve someone who wants to be with me and wants to do life with me and loves me.
- That I will not be Plan B for anyone.
- That I will not live w him in the same house in a loveless M.
- That I will not model a "fake M" for our children.
- That I think children have already been through the worst--his moving out.

WOW, that is GOOD stuff!! You validated while still holding a tough line on your boundaries. WELL DONE! He has not even begun to face his mistakes, he still sees himself as the poor, pitiful victim. Lots of "woe is me" in his comments. And he STILL wants to cake-eat, wants to have a relationship of (his) convenience with you while he presumably seeks out true luv.

I mostly just wanted him to leave so I could move on with my day.

LOL!

but I truly was irritated by his "I don't know how I'll even get over feelings for OW comment."

As well you should be, he's basically telling you he wants to set up house with you but not to expect anything because he loves someone else. Unacceptable.

Not really sure if I would even consider R with him at this point. He would have to really jump through a lot of hoops through a very long time.

That's a good position to be in because it makes him responsible for doing all the work. You've done your work, for R to happen he still has to do his. And he's off to a poor start.

I don't think you've seen the end of this, he's starting to come out of the fog and when he fully does I suspect he's going to be VERY committed to reconciling.

[AnotherStander]

Regarding D'd guy, let me just say that I got involved with an R with a woman a while back, I mentioned it in my thread and have the 2x4 lumps to prove it. I'm not going to tell you it's right or wrong because that's for you to decide, but I will tell you that my experience was that it can quickly take your mind off of your M and make you lose interest in saving it. In my case I started getting out of the R things I had not had in my M not just since BD, but for years and years before BD. It made me realize in a very clear way that W checked out a long, long time ago and was putting zero effort into the M. It also made me see W in a different light, BD has a way of making us put our WAS on a pedestal and forget all their faults. But engaging in another R has a way of clearing that fog and in my case I didn't so much like what I saw in my W anymore.

I mention this to you because I feel your H is very close to wanting to R, so you have to decide whether you're open to that or not, and in my opinion you need to decide it before pushing forward with D'd guy.

[Positivespin]

AWESOME thoughts AnotherStander!!!!!

He needs alot of time alone to have his own Pity Partys. He needs to experience the loss. Not to mention you may have grown past him.

He sounds like he reverted to the scared little boy.

Dont fall into the trap ...GAL 2x harder now

[FlyOnTheWall]

I agree with AS, he's finally coming out of fog, thought he had answers, and is finding out the problems were HIS not yours. I think he had to drop in the comment so he feels like he's still in control a bit, obviously he's NOT.

It was always your choice when this was going to end, but possibly soon the choice might just involve a possible R. That's up to only you, I understand the betrayal. You've had to deal with a lot of emotional turmoil.

My only suggestion is keep an open mind without slowing down on yourself right now. You've come along way. Everyone here is so proud of the way you've handled the sitch. I hope everything works out for you, either way you choose to proceed.

[swoop]

GTO,

I am ALLLLLL in with Another Stander. I feel that you need to continue your path. I feel that you really need to cool your jets on OM, and focus 100% on how you want your marriage to play out. This is the real deal. Don't play games right now. Keep your head clear, your heart open, but at the same time stay detached and busy. Now, don't get me wrong. I would not even consider Husband as an option, unless he does his work and comes back to you with a passion. I would be very sure his intentions were clear and deliberate. At that point, the choice is up to you. Make sure you choose wisely! Personally, I would be thinking about something else that AS said.....man! That As is a smart one!!!!
Like AS mentioned in another thread, I would have some serious questions for Husband, if he does wish to reconcile. I would want to know WHY he wants a relationship with you now. I would want to know WHAT he plans on doing differently this time around. I would want to make it clear that you are not up for being plan B, and by no means are you willing to put your heart on the line again, for him to do a two step right out the door when the mood strikes him. You can fill in whatever questions and answers you would need to feel confident in making your decision. Hold no expectations that you will ever get an opertunity to even have this conversation. Husband may very well be on his way towards establishing a new relationship with another OW. You keep your focus on you, and you let him do his work. Just don't shut that door unless you can tell yourself that you are 100% done with your marriage, for you as well as your children.

Keep up the good work, GTO....Now, GO HAVE FUN!

[tori2012]

GTO, you've received great advice.

Your H is still very confused. When I first found out about Joe's EA (before it turned into a PA) I said I was willing to work on things if we saw a counselor. He said he wouldn't want that and just wanted to live in the house but as a "single guy" so he could do whatever he wanted. I said no, so that's when he moved out and started the PA a week after. I've thought about my decision and wondered whether that was a big mistake. The answer is, I couldn't have lived with a man who just wanted to be single bc it violated my values.

So the Q to you is:
1. What are your values.
2. What is your position about this M?
3. What would it take for you to not be "done"?

It's important you answer these questions to know what to do next. If you are really done, continue the meetings w the mediators. If you're not sure, wait and let him initiate any D proceedings and continue DBing with a open mind.

Hope this helps.

R w cute neighbor? Not a good idea in my eyes. But again, only you know what you want and what you need.