Which is the truth?

[forlovessake]

Hi Everyone,

This is my first time posting, and I hope I get all the acronyms and what not right! I've noticed I'm a bit younger than many members, but perhaps this means I'll get some wise advice

My story: H and I have been married five years, together for eight. We have a two year old DD. We married fairly young, and are now 28 (H) and 26 (me). We are each other's first everything, having never even lived together before marriage. H and I have always been pretty bickersome and had fairly opposite interests. He is a mechanic who is into cars and all that comes with them, while I have a more professional job and enjoy conversation, eating out, reading, movies, etc. Neither of us drinks or smokes and that has always been helpful.
I feel that many of our decisions (to marry, have a child, and buy a house) were done as much out of expectation and wanting the American Dream as they were out of love. That said, I love my H deeply and do not regret any of them. When D was born we started fighting quite a bit. I feel I stepped up to be a parent and H did not. He seemed, and still does, to resent having to give up social activities to spend with her. We started fighting much more and he started withdrawing. He never acted happy to spend time with D or myself; always just bored or uninterested, like he could have fun if he was doing something he liked/had selected. He started working more (6 days a week, long hours) and still went out with friends. Also, he’s always had a general arrogance and disrespect towards me which not only continued but also increased (example: he was on his phone trying to buy a motorcycle the whole time I was in labor).

Six months ago he said he wanted a divorce during a fight. We agreed to really work on our marriage for a few months and re-evaluate. Not much changed. He continued going out and being disengaged in family life and I continued nagging and “fighting mean” as he would say (name calling, threatening divorce myself sometimes, etc..awful I know), and taking some stress out on him. In April he told me he had kissed another woman and I should divorce him. Said it was a customer he no longer was in contact was, but that he had accepted I would divorce him as I always said I would if he cheated. I told him I would not divorce him over a kiss and I wanted to do counseling. He refused to go (went once, but refused to speak). He started pulling away even more. Out nearly every night till 2 AM, working even more, saying nearly daily he didn’t want to be married (he’s no good at it, feels trapped, never should have been). We got in an especially bad fight and he told me he had made up the cheating story to get me to divorce him, as he wanted one but didn’t want to be the one to do it (confirmed this was true through other sources, do believe it). I was angry and confused. He then said he was going to be the wedding date of a different female friend, but it was “just friends.” I said it was inappropriate and he said he told her he was getting a divorce. Definite EA, but this has cooled off greatly. They haven’t seen each other (I have verified this) since the wedding on 6/8, which is also the day he moved out (this was a combination of him threatening to in the morning and me saying yes he should at night after finding out about EA).

So, now my source of confusion. He gives me two stories for why he’s filing for divorce (currently filed as separation, but he’s in the process of changing to a divorce). One story is that I’ve ruined marriage for him. I’m mean, nagging, threatened divorce, called names, and never seemed happy. He was miserable and can’t do it anymore. He never felt like I loved or even liked him. The other is that it’s “him not me”. He’s too selfish, was never meant to be married, doesn’t like the accountability/responsibility, loves D but doesn’t love being a parent. He needs to find happiness and see what he’s missing in terms of friends and good times (has a new group of friends who are single bachelors). Then also adds he loves me and misses me, though this is becoming less and less as I beg and pursue more and more. He’s been gone for six weeks and has seen D minimally. Has occasionally made remarks on how “maybe one day we’ll get back together, but there’s no hope now and he’s never getting married again.” And how “he does love and miss me, and hurts so bad.”
So which is it and how do I respond? Is he too selfish and not wanting this life, or is it all me being mean? He goes between one and the other, never saying maybe we both made mistakes. It’s either all me or it’s all him trying to play a role he shouldn’t have (vs truly being accountable for how he was, it seems). My DC suggested 180, and I’m trying but it’s hard! I have for a few days now though. Any insight? Hope?

[KarenR]

Please don't end this marriage without getting professional help. Our coaches work with young couples that are overwhelmed with the responsibilities and lifestyle change that comes with marriage and children. There are ways to get through this and keep your family intact. If he doesn't want to do therapy, that is okay, you can do it yourself with a DB coach, they will help you figure out the best way to go forward and how to interact with him, that can make a difference. Please call me for more information. Take good care.

[Hopeful321]

I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation, however you have come to the right place.

Since he has moved out, I would give him his space and start working on yourself. Detach from him. Do not call or text him unless it is about your daughter. Then when you do talk to him, keep about your daughter only and you end the conversation first. When he comes around to visit your daughter, be polite and keep smiling. Do not pursue him because you will only push him further away. He has issues that he needs to work on and he can't do that if you are constantly pursing him. You need to do things for yourself such as talking to a counselor, getting your nails done, or even working out at the gym. Focus on yourself and your daughter. At first, you might think to yourself that your husband has not notice the changes but trust me he has and he will start questioning himself.

This is hard but you will get through this become a much stronger woman. There are lots of people here with great advice.

I have been there and done that. My husband had one emotional affair with a co-worker and one physical affair with another co-worker and both times he walked out on me. We separated for six months and he noticed the changes that I made and it scared him that I was moving on and without him. We have been back together for a year and half and we are doing better. We do have our ups and downs but now he is willing to work on them.

Post often because that will help.

[forlovessake]

Thanks so much!

I did have a session with a divorce coach and she said to do 180 (just talked Saturday) I was doing great with that until yesterday when we had a custody hearing and it turned into a huge fight I just wish I knew which is the truth as to why he's really leaving.

[Mimi00]

Hi Forlovessake.... I'm close to your age, my H gives similar reasons for leaving that yours had... he doesn't feel loved, he's been unhappy, I've said mean things, threatened to leave our first year; then he also says it's him, his heart is changed, he can't love me how I deserve to be loved, I deserve better. *sigh*

Just focus on you and what you can do to make your self better. If he's said specific things about you that you agree that you need to change #1 for you and #2 for the benefit of the marriage, yes make those changes. I'm sure some of the wise posters will come in a give you great advice. Stay strong for yourself and for your daughter, things will get better as you continue learn & grow.

[lovethehub]

FLS,

I'm sorry you are in this situation but you have come to the right place.

Have you read DB and DR? If not, please buy them right away. I had to order on Amazon, the B&N by me only had DR.

Read the books and start to put the ideas into practice right away. You should follow Hopeful's advice and detach (yes, it is very hard), try to change what your H has complained about (if it doesn't mean being untrue to yourself) and GAL.

Hang in there, and post frequently to get off moderation.

The biggest help for me has been reading other people's stories and listening to all of the advice that is out there. It's not easy but it is worth it.

[forlovessake]

It's so hard because I feel like I don't even know him. I don't get how he can give up on our family, and just "turn off love"

[Hopeful321]

Right now he is so full of anger that he can't see straight. How did you act when you were dating each other? That's what attracted him to you in the first place. Find that person again and work on it. Right now, take the time to work on you and he will notice. I understand right now you are hurting and you cant think straight but pull yourself up. Be that strong woman and he will see it. Don't give up on yourself and your daughter. Take this time to discover who you are and what you really want.

[forlovessake]

Does this anger come from it really being all my fault, or does the anger make it all my fault?

[lost_hope]

Fact is he is abandoning the family he created regardless of whether it's him or you. Forgive me, but this is a really sore point of mine considering I am being faced with the same issues in pregnancy. I really really doubt you were that "mean" that he would be justified in leaving his family. Even if you were, the vows were "sickness, health, better, worse, death do us part" not "unless my wife is too mean". His obligation in marriage is to figure out a way to work things out not leave. I may be old-fashioned but the only people I think are justified in leaving without trying are those in abusive relationships.

Also, you may not be able to find out exactly why now from him. WAS are often confused and in a fog, whether there's an affair or not. They also re-write history to justify their actions. And they also often say things (interestingly enough they all seem to have the same script)that may not necessarily be true. Not to say that it's all to be ignored. His complaints that you are mean may have some truth. So as a person you can work on those aspects that will make you a better person, not for him but for you.

Read the sandi/180 rules, buy and read DB and/or DR books, and try to GAL and not focus on him, focus on yourself and especially your child. I am learning this now, but when people with young families are going through this it's so worth it for us to give our children the attention that we often times divert to the WAS. A simple, easy question -- who deserves your thoughts and energy right now? Your H or your DD?