I woke up this morning to find an email from OW in my inbox. H has denied that possibility since Day 1. I guess he made her mad.
I am actually totally calm. Relieved, even. All the signs were there and this is the missing piece of the puzzle.
I calmly forwarded the email to him, adding no words of my own. Other than that, I haven't told a soul and haven't reacted at all.
How do I proceed? I would still be willing to work on the marriage if he's interested. Honestly I'm so numb I feel at this point I could go either way, it's better than limbo. Just moving forward will be better than hanging out where I have been, wondering.
I'm going to call my therapist's office as soon as they open. I'm sure there's some real hurt and emotion under this shock and numbness.
After reading this, I went back and read your other thread.
First, please don't be surprised if you receive some anger backlash now that you have shown him proof of what he has been denying.
I wouldn't say too much else about it at this point.
Many many times you have mentioned MLC. I am curious as to what exactly makes you think that is a possibility...
My X, is a MLCer. Its a long, hard, interesting road...
I don't know if an A is a deal breaker for you. You say you are willing to work on things IF he is. Sometimes, we have to be willing to work on things alone for a while...as much as we want to hear their commitment to it, more often than not, that doesn't come for a long time.
Anyway, we will talk more I think.
Cat
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
MLC - He bought a Porsche in November, he has grown his hair out, become obsessed with pampering/ grooming, bought a whole new younger wardrobe. Left a stable, solid marriage that I thought was pretty good, been ignoring his kids for months. And is obviously having an affair with a younger woman...which is rather comical. I'm only 34.
I don't think an A itself is necessarily a deal breaker...I don't know. We'll see how he responds.
Quite honestly he's treated me like poo for the last year or more while wining and dining another woman, and lying about it to me the whole way. I'm not sure I necessarily want him back. But, I don't know. He may want to go off and marry her for all I know. Probably not though. I'm assuming she sent this email because she was mad, possibly because he tried to dump her -- he's been telling me he wants to work on the marriage.
Or maybe they both made someone else mad and that someone else decided to tell me? I don't know that it's really from her, though it claims to be.
So sorry you've gotten this news! I'm glad it's not affecting you too deeply, it sounds like that like me, you probably just assumed your spouse was in an A even though you didn't have solid proof. So you've probably already dealt with the grief over it.
Originally Posted By: sthelen
I calmly forwarded the email to him, adding no words of my own. Other than that, I haven't told a soul and haven't reacted at all.
Sending it to him with no comment, that was actually a great idea! That will really leave your H wondering what you're thinking. Let him wonder!
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How do I proceed?
You're doing fine, just remain silent on the issue until and unless your H asks to talk about it. If he wants to talk then you just remain silent and let him speak. Just be a good listener. This is HIS mess to sort out, not yours.
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I would still be willing to work on the marriage if he's interested.
I wouldn't tell him that unless he asks you.
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I'm going to call my therapist's office as soon as they open. I'm sure there's some real hurt and emotion under this shock and numbness.
Should I also call my DB coach?
Talk to people about it to get it out of your system, just make sure not to talk to shared friends or family about it. Talk to people who have no connection to your sitch. IC and DB coach are good choices.
Wow! Good move on the fwd it to your H without any comment. I would have probably had a few choice words to say about that, so you're better than I am! I don't have any advice, but what AS said about getting it out of your system, just not with any mutual friends sounds good. Being the bigger person is the classiest move.
Me: 27 H: 27 Together: 11, M: 3 S 2 BD: 06/24/13 Living together H: EA - unknown current status Read: DB, 5LL (slowly reading DR) Back and forth we go...
Before this, I honestly would have said our marriage was darn near perfect. He has said himself he was "blissfully happy"
In the very recent months he started working a lot, not coming home, burying himself in work and avoiding home life.
He had 3 friends his age die last year plus his grandfather. I've read the death of peers is a trigger for MLC. He has said word for word a lot of the things I've read about in the surviving your husband's mid life crisis book.
I have talked to him since getting the email. He calmly denies it, as always. I also emailed and texted/called the contact info for the OW. I know she got it. He told me she called him and told him she got it. But she did not respond to me. I have strong suspicions there's some truth to the A. If I got a text from a woman accusing me of sleeping with her husband I would be so shocked because it was so far fetched and out of the realm of possibility that I would have to call and defend myself. She has not said a word to me. So. I don't think the email was from her. Apparently my H has made someone angry.
If it was the OW that emailed you I'd see this as an "opportunity" even if it doesn't feel like it. Talk about a great chance to be the one NOT acting crazy. Emailing the wife seems like a pretty insecure thing for an OW to do and you can come out of this looking like a much better catch if you just stay calm and ignore the fact that she even exists.
BD: Aug 2012 Separated since May 2013 S born Aug 2013 Aug 2013 H agrees to consider 'baby steps toward working things out' H is/was actively seeing someone?
Even if it wasn't from her, someone knows something. The email had enough detail to raise my suspicions. I have stayed perfectly calm. I honestly have had no reaction at all. I've said all along that the real, deep hurt was simply him leaving. Hearing there's another woman can't possibly hurt worse than the fact that he left us. I think that's really true based on my reaction so far.
My text and email to her were perfectly polite, I just said I'd like to talk to her if she gets a chance, please call. I'm not mad at her. He's a big boy. He knew what he was doing, if he did in fact do anything with her. Of course I have no doubt she knew he was married based on who she is and how she knows him...but ultimately it's his responsibility.
