I've been taking a break from posting but would like to transition to the mlc board as I feel this is more applicable to my situation. The skills I've learned DB are invaluable, but there's another level of application when adding in the mlc factor.
It's a lot to catch up on, for anyone interested...
Brief outline: H left out of the blue exactly 1 year ago. Out of the blue is in context I guess, I thought we were happy, there were definitely things we could have been working on, but his departure was wildly out of character. We didn't talk for months and he hardly saw 2 dds. I started working w/ db coach last feb and was instructed to start extending friendship, H's ow left the picture in the spring and we're working towards - I don't know? Peace? R? Friendly co-parenting?
We started with MC in April. H's intent was only to rebuild relationship with dds & mine was to be open minded regarding relationship with H. I've had mixed feelings to the benefits of MC at times, but it has opened our communication and has helped repair with dds. H has a long ways to go, but is better equipped with information about what he has to do to move forward with girls.
Then we finally started talking about our relationship last week. Our mc has a 'trust recovery model' that we've been working with. We again focused on H's hurts for last session, we both wrote a list of sore points in our relationship and one of H's issues was something that happened 12 years ago. It was very emotional for both of us and I was grateful to be of service in helping heal old wounds. What H chooses to do with this healing or if he allows healing is up to him.
I have been really detached lately which is a good place to be, but the timing is suspect. I've been so desperate for this process, for healing in mc, for another chance to show positive changes. And now that it's here I feel really on the fence. I know I'm way ahead of H in learning and personal growth but how does one keep an open heart while waiting for the tortoise to catch up? There has been slow but positive progress so I can't close the door yet. But my heart is telling me it's nearly time to move on.
I've read a lot about MLC and suspect H is in depression/withdrawal stage. Since his relationship with ow ended he's been much more connected to the kids but has started working too much again. He's been staying with his friend since last summer and is supposedly moving out and renting an apartment in our city by the end of the month. I think the transition is going to be an eye opener.
Personally, reaching some level of detachment has been a blessing. I still need to work on my expectations. From no contact, to starting with minor contact, to now H's around a few days a week and we're doing MC every week now - it's difficult to keep expectations in check. But H still has not committed to a rebuilding of our relationship, just has said he's not closed to the idea. The work schedule kills any chance H has for family connection, same old thing as before. Really getting tired of it. But he's never said the word divorce to me, mc referred to that being a possible outcome of our relationship but that's it. If H asked for one, I'm to the point where I wouldn't fight it.
So after MC last week, H sent a text saying he had an 'ah ha' moment when I revealed some details that I'd shared with the kids. He thought I would be too embarrassed or closed. And he was very grateful. I replied that I just wanted to live and love honestly from now on. Then he taxied d15 the next day and we haven't heard from him since. I know he's working, but it's been another adjustment watching him withdrawal. I think there's a lot to process with the mc appointments and it'll take him awhile to work through these feelings. Meanwhile, I'm GAL and trying to stay centered on myself. I've been too busy with summer/kids schedules and neglecting personal time. It's always hard to stay balanced in the summer especially.
I get myself into funks but it's easier to pull out now that it used to be. I've learned so much from reading everyone's experiences on here.
Does it seem to take longer for the mlc process when they're workaholics? Seems like it.
You have been around long enough that I assume you have seen my MLC welcome post and that you have done all the homework.
If you need me to repeat it let me know and I will put it on your thread. The latest one has a few extra links.
Just keep in mind that if this is MLC you are really only at the beginning. Sounds like BD was last year. MLC's take forever but does seem to follow a general script.
Best to keep working on YOU and let him work on himself.Z
Hey bond, I guess I didn't word that correctly. DB is the same, true. But the MLC element has made db at times more difficult, at least for me. Sometimes I think I'm just offering too many excuses for H... but the patience I'm trying to develop due to the added element of MLC is far different than what may normally be due in other db situations. At least it feels that way in my experience. But DB is the same in either application. For me personally, the only thing that's keeping me in the limbo pattern is that I can see H ticking off each of the mlc boxes. And maybe he'll get to the end and figure out what he's all about. And maybe I'll be understanding and have new tools to develop a new relationship based on what I've learned about mlc & db.
thanks cadet. It gets confusing when I read that reconciliation after the first year of separation is less likely. But that doesn't apply to mlc does it? Elsewhere I've read that reconciliation is unlikely before 2 years with mlc. I know we're not supposed to rely on timelines and I generally don't anymore, except to think 'thank god I'm 1 year down!' It's more of a marker of how far we've come instead of when will it be over now.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Thank you cadet. It's always good for a refresher.
There's been increased contact with H over the past couple of months, until this last week... and now I'm getting worried. Last week at mc was very tough, H owned some truths from 12 years ago and even suggested I had an affair with the home depot guy - really wild, wtf? accusation. But he was deeply emotional (which is terribly unusual). MC was there, I validated, apologized for ever giving that impression, I can see how these worries really brought on a lot of stress to our relationship, etc.
Then he withdrew. He saw the kids a little last Thurs just to run them someplace and that was it. I got an unpaid bill notice in the mail on Saturday. H doesn't have any of his mail come to my house so that was strange. He randomly showed up at the house yesterday while I was at work (never happened in the past year) but d15 wouldn't answer the door. She says she didn't know who it was, he didn't text her until he was driving away... And then last night he drunk dialed the kids and me on a group text message. Couldn't even make sense of it.
I know his roommate is gone this week and he's finally alone. Probably first time he's been truly alone in the past year. I sent him a text late last night 'is everything okay?' but didn't get a reply.
Should I keep reaching out to him today? We're supposed to have mc tomorrow. I know I can't help him out of this hole he's in. I'm actually considering legal financial protection for the first time. He makes so much money and has been living rent free, no idea what he spends money on. We need good credit to pay for d18's college so the late notice is going to be an issue. Sad to think that we've made it through the affair and the past year, and the subsequent year before he left, and now it's finally time to pull the trigger on filing. We'll see... maybe I'm romanticizing this week and there's nothing going on except a man who's not managing himself well.
Had mc yesterday. We're still working off the list of marriage hurts, picking off the easy stuff first. We talked about H's working too much and how that made me feel that I/kids were not a priority in his life. H expressed that he worked so hard and felt that it was unappreciated. We validated both sides. It's kind of an no-win situation because I don't want that neglected lifestyle anymore and won't accept that in future relationships. And H said yesterday he was 'conditioned' after all these years and didn't know how he could cut back. H feels the financial pressure, especially of supporting us and his own separate lifestyle. But he doesn't know what could be done differently (der... get your life together, move home!). He loves loves his work, which I was always supremely jealous of. But I asked him 'do you like working so much?' which he answered no, he felt he had to. I made a statement that my lifestyle choices are different now and I won't live running on the mouse wheel anymore. He just hasn't been around enough to get it. Dds and I don't go out to eat every night and go shopping and to movies every weekend now. And dds have cut back on a couple extra activities (because I can't afford it on my own), but the silver lining has been that we have a much less stressful lifestyle. That H would enjoy if he were around...
After mc we had even better communication. H said he is the same man as when he left, still working & drinking too much & eating badly, not taking care of himself. He's looking for an apartment, was searching for a 2 bedroom thinking d15 would want a room at his place & asked what I thought. I just encouraged him to talk to d15 about it, the feeling I got was that she wouldn't be up to staying with him, which d15 later confirmed. He made a comment that 'well, I could make her'. He obviously hasn't consulted an atty in that regard because no judge would command her... but I just said yes, she could be forced to stay with you... but it's a difficult transition and if he started off with a smaller place and she's staying there more often he could always upgrade when his lease was up. H says he hates wasting so much money on an apartment. I never know if he's stating a fact or trying to hint at something when he makes those comments. Then he says that he's a little resentful of me, because I've changed a lot and am happier and have moved on while he is the same and he feels stuck. His words really surprised me because it sure feels like I haven't moved on, but I'm glad it looks that way I guess. And it's nice to see that he's realizing his actions of dumping the family haven't actually made him happy! I tried to just be supportive and said that I had unlimited faith in him, that I know he'll get himself together when he puts his mind to it. I think the transition of him moving out of the frat house and into his own, quiet place will be good and he can finally reflect on his decisions.
Later on, I called him because I'm still thinking about MC appt. And he mentioned our insurance, which led me to saying that I knew something that I felt he had tried to keep secret and it had really hurt me. H had a vasectomy last December, in the midst of his affair. H was very sorry for my hurt reaction to that and said that he probably should have told me but at that time we weren't communicating at all and 'I didn't care about anything or anyone during that time'. Does he see a difference now?? He also made a comment that 'it was better than me getting someone pregnant'. The V wasn't exactly a surprise, we had talked about it before and knew we didn't want any more kids. I just said that I felt it was something that was a secret and I wanted it out in the open. H was very understanding, justified a little more with 'I felt it was my body and my decision' but was supportive of my feelings.
Now no more therapy for 2 weeks due to H's schedule. MC calls this work we're doing 'marriage postmortem'. It stinks because there is a lot of regret on both sides, a lot of things we are seeing that could have been done differently. My expectations get out of whack sometimes thinking that we are mc in the traditional 'improving our marriage' track. I think mc is trickier that I had originally given him credit for and I can see how this could slowly, VERY slowly, work around to that, but there would obviously have to be a lot of changes on H's part. H did say that maybe he needs to get his own ic last night too. That was a bit of self awareness that hasn't been shared yet. But he said it with the eating better and working out statement, so it all is under the things to do in the future umbrella... but I have to just keep moving on with my life regardless.
GAL for this weekend, I'm doing a mud run on Saturday and going to a birthday party on Sunday. Haven't trained for the run, it'll be brutal. But I'm doing it with a new friend and dds will be there to support me. We'll have tons of fun!
Gripe session - H leased an apartment today and is moving right across the street from my work. Literally my office is all windows in the front and I can plainly see the parking lot and street from my desk. I'm going to see him drive by all the time! Or I won't see him drive by and I'll wonder where he is...
He texts a pic of the pool and says to come over & swim with the girls. This's just a whole lot of awkward. It's really difficult to detach & work on no expectations. He thinks I've 'moved on'. But he's been living 45 min away and now is going to be in my face. A whole different situation.
And I'm understanding the LBS where there spouse doesn't move out! Wow that must be so hard. I'm feeling the panic already and the close contact will just be starting. In 2 weeks.
On a side note, I've read a lot about the mlc teenager emotions and I personally haven't seen it yet. But I don't spend much time with H. d18 reports that he acted a fool in front of her today. H made inappropriate comments about her behind in a pair of skinny jeans, commenting on her 'trunk'. She's a tiny girl and he's always been a nurturing, loving father. Really bizarre. Then he called a car on the road 'pxxnis'. And d18 says was trying to speak like a teen. It's another strange observation.
Positives: H has been absent from dds lives for the past year. This will be an opportunity for him to reconnect with them on a new level. It will also be an opportunity for me to continue to show positive changes and a peaceful lifestyle. It's just another thing to adjust to.
The V wasn't exactly a surprise, we had talked about it before and knew we didn't want any more kids. I just said that I felt it was something that was a secret and I wanted it out in the open. H was very understanding, justified a little more with 'I felt it was my body and my decision' but was supportive of my feelings.