Having not read all your thread , i am not sure if this has been covered but i also believe that as well as age approriate truth, kids need to see the emotional fallout.
If you try to be strong and tough, you run the risk, that they think this sepersting/ divorcing as easy and okay. They could also accuse you as not caring.
I have seen this happen to a friend. Her H left her for anothe rwoman. She kept it together for the kids... and as adults when the converstaion turned towards what Dad did years later, they were shocked at the pain and suffering of their mother and that they had alwayd believed their mother had not really loved their father ( hence the not caring , when he left ) and it sort of justified their Dads behaviour.
To me Dad got a ' get out of jail free ' card.
So when my H finally left and i was devastated , my kids knew to a point on how hurt i was. They saw the pain and they saw the survival. Perhaps the only up side for children of divorce is that they learn that there is survival when adversity strikes in your life.
I was feeling better about our agreement this morning and setup an appointment with my L to draft the formal agreement on Wed.
When I spoke to my L to setup an appointment, she had some questions that I needed to run by my W. The big question was wether we were willing to waive the 6 month waiting period, and the timeframe on when my W would make a decision on the house. I also had some questions about tax liability (my W is my accountant)and some of our debt.
We have a $15k home equity loan and a $3k tax bill due in Sept. Home values in Michigan have dropped to the point that when you add in this debt to the mortgage, the house is about break even. I agreed that she could take the house, or if she didn't want it, I would take it.
Apparently, she has decided that she cannot afford the house, but can't find anything that she likes that she can afford. She doesn't want to move. She restated her preference to keep living like we were. I said I cannot live like this anymore and need some closure.
She discussed her plan to keep the house, and if she can't afford it, to just default on the home equity loan and live in the house for 2 years while the house goes through foreclosure. The only problem is that my name is on the home equity loan and the current mortgage. She can refinance the house, but not the home equity.
In any event, she won't agree to waive the 6 month waiting period. So, we will just have to keep living like we are for another 8 months. She can think about moving then.
In any event, she won't agree to waive the 6 month waiting period. So, we will just have to keep living like we are for another 8 months. She can think about moving then.
What Joy.
Take it from me Rock this is not going to be easy, however I think if you GAL, no, you get a proper social life, things will turn in your favour one way or another. However you getting your own social life will require W to co operate and look after the kids from time to time not sure if she's up for that.
I would like to be able to come home without all the drama and stress. After 14 yrs of marriage, I would like to finally be the decision maker in my home.
Part of this process is to do some real soul searching and ask what you have contributed to the failure of your marriage. I have done that internal review.
What I realize is that my W was very demanding and controlling. I was always the one to give, always the one to compromise. She never showed me the love that I needed and I was always left begging for scraps. I am not saying I am perfect, or that I couldn't have done some things better. In the end, though, I made an honest effort and it is clear to me that I deserve so much more.
I want my W gone and out of my life. I want to move forward.
I took D14 to counseling tonight. It was a private session, so I am not sure what they talked about. But, I am glad that she atleast got to talk to someone. The counselor asked to see her again next week.
My W and I sorted out the housing issue last night. I will keep the house, and she will have until July 2014 to move out. I expect her to move out much sooner, but who knows. Essentially, this gives her some security about where she is living through the 2014 tax season.
Her spousal support will start once the D is final, but will be paid back to me in rent (i.e she will not see any payments until she moves out).
She also agreed to my proposed custody arrangement.
I meet with my L today @ 2:00 to review the agreement and set her up to draft the final agreement.
"and she will have until July 2014 to move out" That^^^is a long time to live with someone who is a WAS. By the end of my stich I asked exw how much longer she needed to move out. She kept asking for more time but it was very uncomfortable for me. After almost two years she finally left and I started feeling better. But we are all different. You will need lots of patience and support. The kids are going to hurt and that is the sad thing about divorce. So be the rock for them
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
