Surviving Separation

[slow_it_down]

Now that my sitch is approaching 2 months of separation I thought this might be a better home.

Previous thread: Bad Timing and Making a Mess of Things

Quick overview:
Last August I threw my arms up in the air and told H to go live his single life since he was just doing that anyways after moving in with me after we got married (not infidelity, just making choices about how he was spending his money and his time without regard for me/our family. Not helping with family finances and leaving me with a bunch of half finished or not started household projects on top of doing all of the cleaning and cooking). Since then we've gone back and forth with him moving in and out. One minute he wants to reconcile, have a child together, build a new home together, do anything for us, make us more of a priority the next he's packing his things and rolling out of the driveway. Can you say roller coaster! Somewhere in all of that I got pregnant and our son is due in a matter of weeks.

Our current separation has been the longest to date (previously it would only be a week or two in between 'getting back together'). It is approaching 2 months of not seeing my H in person and we've spoken less than 3 times via phone.

To say this time around is different is an understatement. This time he's taken on an OW and has become a complete lock box. He doesn't reach out at all even when I pull back. Our text/email conversations have been strictly about visitation/child support and our son. I don't ask about his life and he most certainly doesn't ask about mine.

What's working:
Going dark and GAL - The longer it is between having to contact or hear from him the better I feel about life. With a baby on the way I'm making the most of every moment this summer with my 2 kids (from a previous relationship) knowing our lives are about to get a lot more complicated so we are staying busy. I'm also spending lots of time with family and friends. Lastly, I feel like this separation has been great for rebuilding lost confidence and in defining what I'd need to see/hear from him before considering trying to work things out again.

What's Not Working:
Surviving contact.

This week was the first time in 2 months that he asked how the baby was doing and we exchanged a handful of joking text messages. I about fell out of my chair since he never reaches out for any reason but reminded myself not to read into it.

The past week or so has also involved a lot of back and forth trying to set up a bank account transfer so he could pitch in toward expenses. Part of me was furious with him for it taking 2 months to finally do it after saying he would, the other part of me was really happy to see how quickly he initiated the transfer once the ground work was laid out.

I find its almost worse to hear from him, even for administrative stuff, because it feels like 'old times' getting regular messages and very fast response times to texts or emails.

For those that have been here, is this just a matter of 'time' being needed to not have every message, call or email 'take you back' and be a setback from moving toward being detached?

We don't argue, he shows no signs of wanting anything to do with me and I know that having an OW is a complete distraction, so I don't see this being worked out anytime soon. I'm just wondering how to balance keeping the lines of communication open with being able to feel detached.

[BKS]

I havent read about your situation just yet but I will as time permits.

My situation is considerably different from yours but the sooner you can start to move forward with GAL and detaching, the better. I still struggle with GAL and detaching too. The best thing you can do is lower your expectations all the way to ZERO.

Lets assume that he will never come back. What would you do tomorrow if that were the case? Then, what would you be doing next week differently than you are now? Then keep it going out until months etc. That is what I try to do. Admittedly, I am not great at it yet. The more I do it, the better I get at it.

In my case, I am cycling now. Some days/weeks I feel great about my detachment then something happens between me and my W and I start to down cycle. I think understanding that I am cycling helps me to deal with the down cycles.

It is very hard in the cycling stage. You get your hopes up and then they are crushed again. Lowering my expectations to ZERO helps to get me through because, although I am still hopeful, I presume that she wont be back anytime soon. So just do what you would do AsIf S was not coming back soon.

I hope this doesnt seem too harsh, if so I apologize. This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and I am not very good at it yet. I follow Sandi's 37 rules as best as I can, I go to MC and read books and I read a lot on this forum.

Being informed about what is happening to you and your R and understanding what you can control and what you can not control helped me deal with my marriage crisis. I still have issues with giving up control of my situation. Just ask my W.

I hope this helps you is some small way. Learn about MLC/WAS, GAL, Detach, ZERO EXPECTATIONS!!! I have to keep telling myself this every day. Many times per day. Print out and read Sandi's 37 rules everyday, several times a day until you are living them.

Stay strong and ask God to take the burden you are carrying off your shoulders. Trust Him that whatever happens, you will be better and stronger and this is just one of lifes experiences that we must go through to grow.

[slow_it_down]

Thanks for reply BKS.

In my case, I am cycling now. Some days/weeks I feel great about my detachment then something happens between me and my W and I start to down cycle. I think understanding that I am cycling helps me to deal with the down cycles.

I think this part is especially poignant. Being able to recognize a down cycle as just that, a cycle, is a very powerful position. Rather than feeling hopeless like I won't recover to feel fine again, its good to remind myself that a better day is often one good night of rest away.

So, this weekend was interesting. I keep thinking I'm finally at a point where me and my H should have no reason to communicate for a while so that I can get a break to detach. Yet in the past few days things seem to keep coming up. This Saturday at 11:30pm my H emailed to say he saw me, my children and my mom at an event about an hour from both of our homes. The chances of us both being there were 1 in a million. His email stated that he saw us, wasn't sure if I saw him and that he didn't say hi since he wasn't sure if he should with the kids around.

I'm going to assume he was there with his OW and so I was actually relieved that I didn't run into him and that it didn't impact the wonderful evening I spent with my family.

I found it odd that he felt like he had to email to say he saw me. He didn't outright apologize for not saying hello, but it was odd that he almost seemed to have some guilt toward explaining himself like he owed me an explanation had I actually noticed he was there and didn't want me to be upset with him for not saying hello.

I also found it odd that he went home and emailed me the minute he walked in the door from being at the event. It was a good reminder that I don't need to let me mind run away with what I think he's doing these days because I keep thinking that by now he's practically living with this OW (despite having 0 clue to how much or how little they see each other). Clearly she wasn't still over at his place if he's sending emails out at that hour.

Lastly, I felt in a way this situation made me feel stronger. On the one hand it felt great having no desire or reflex to respond to his email and was ok just letting it be. On the other hand here I was out with my kids and mom, looking great, smiling having a good time and really enjoying myself with him looking on. I thanked God for giving me the opportunity to unknowingly give my H a huge chance to see what he's missing. If seeing his pregnant wife walking around enjoying life with her awesome kids after not seeing us after 2 months didn't give him a twinge of regret - than we really are better off on our own with him doing his own thing.

Now its 'back to the trenches' of not contacting him and seeing where things go. I have a fun trip planned mid week and look forward to getting out of town and away from all the things that send my mind back to my relationship.

[slow_it_down]

Oh look, this roller coaster has loops...

After not replying to my H's email about seeing me at an event 2 nights ago he texted me late last night to ask if I had seen him.

Then out of the blue he texted to say he feels bad about not being around ( for my kids), feels bad about our son ( due in August), and about things between us. He also said it felt 'weird' being there with me and the kids around without being there with us.

After 2 months of getting almost nothing from him, good or bad, that was a lot to hear. I won't pretend my hopes aren't way up at the moment, but I'm reminding myself that its going to take time and a lot more than just guilty feelings to move past this. My plan remains the same, focus on doing my own thing and leaving the ball in his court if he wants to do something to get our M back on track.

[slow_it_down]

Wow my H is a 'hot mess' right now. For once I'm so happy to have this "gift of time" everyone is always talking about.

Last night my H went on a texting frenzy texting me until all hours of the night and ended by asking if we could get together for lunch. I'm normally a pushover and drop everything when he starts showing interest. It felt great to say sorry but I'm heading out of town for a few days. Make him wait around for me for a change!

He even called first thing this morning to see where I was going for my trip. i must've done a good job at being mysterious and aloof about my plans that it was the first thing on his mind when he got up.

[slow_it_down]

It would be a whole lot easier if our spouses came with some sort of manual.

My H has been pushing to set up a time for us to get together for lunch so we can talk face to face... His request, not mine. So last night I offered to stop by his work with dinner on my way home since he'd be working late. I also gave him 2 other options for when I'd be free. He declined on meeting up yesterday and chose the latest date of the 3 dates presented. Which is it buddy? Do you have something urgent to talk about or not?

Even more confusing is later in the evening he texted about not getting to eat all day because he "no longer has anyone to meet up with him for dinner." Followed by "oh well I'll survive."

In my mind I'm thinking, first of all, I offered you food... Second of all... You left me? And now I'm the one you are complaining to about misfortunes brought about by our split? What?

I'm noticing a trend of him venting to me about the drawbacks of his life after leaving. Some center around feeling guilty, others around not having anyone. Part of me thinks he just said that to let me know there isn't an OW around and that he is paving some sort of way towards reconciliation by opening up. I'm just not sure how to validate when he complains without saying "if you feel guilty or sad do something about it".

I've read all kinds of posts about validating when a spouse is rewriting history, or bringing up concerns about the R. If anyone has any suggestions on how to validate a spouses guilty conscious w/o going into relationship repair mode telling them how to make things better I'd love to hear them.

[slow_it_down]

My H blew off the face-to-face meeting he asked for w/o explanation. He didn't even call text or email to say he no longer wanted to meet up. He just didn't reply when I asked where we were supposed to meet. Weird and not like him. Part of me is worried something is wrong but the other part of me thinks even if something was wrong I'm not the person he wants in his life to help him anyways so there is no use fretting over his well being.

This is a good reminder to keep expectations at zero. It's so tempting to start cycling through what ifs to figure out why he's pulling back, but i keep repeating "you've got to let him live his own life," and I'm trying to not get caught up in thinking about reasons why he's gone dark on me again.

Instead I'm going to throw on a swim suit and go do some laps at the pool. I'll save worrying about what his deal is for another day.

[slow_it_down]

Well I failed, I let my hopes go way up that this face to face meeting was going to be him telling me about how he's feeling bad and wanting to work on things. Instead he finally called, asked a very generic question regarding stuff for our son and said that's all he wanted with no acknowledgement that he had previously wanted to see me.

It's evident that any of what he was feeling earlier in the week when he called and got choked up on the phone has passed. I'm crushed and angry with myself for getting caught up in one week of positive interaction. I wish I could throw my phone in the trash, it was so much easier to hear nothing from him for weeks, then to have a good week end so abruptly.

[slow_it_down]

The most interesting things always seem to happen in the middle of the night don't they?

A week ago my H was up till all hours texting that he felt like a failure and spent the next few days contacting me like crazy. Then he pulled way back all of a sudden leaving me to wonder what i had done to trigger the withdrawal.

Now tonight I'm getting middle of the night texts and calls from a woman who's telling me "we need to talk!" I didn't answer her calls or reply but the vibe of her voicemails and texts is that they are in the middle of an argument (at 1am) and she wanted to confirm nothing was going on.

I can only laugh. (And be annoyed that now I can't fall back to sleep). You are sleeping with a married man and you want his 8 months pregnant wife to call you back in the middle of the night to put your mind at ease that you "don't mean anything to him." Really?

I anticipate this to all come back as being my fault, but I feel really proud of myself for not getting too worked up over this. And for staying out of their business.

For those that feel separation is the worst place in the world I just have to say I'm sooooo happy to be miles away from whatever my H is involved in right now. For once I'm the calm one while his world seems to be spinning.

[slow_it_down]

Sometimes it's easy to get lost in these threads and so this week I went back and reread DR. The boards tend to recommend not getting your hopes up over things, but in the book Michele says to celebrate and recognize baby steps.

Today I'm celebrating that my H said "thanks, that means a lot" when I agreed to respect his wishes on something. He even used my name in the text mssg which seemed like a lot of extra words when I wasn't even expecting a thank you at all.

Also, after the late night run in w/ OW I thought for sure he'd disappear on me for awhile. Since she clearly got ahold of his phone I figured he would avoid contacting me at all costs to keep her happy and prove im nothing to him. I saw the makings of a big setback, but then today he reached out for some info he old have found elsewhere. It felt nice to have him count on me for something, and while I don't think he was trying to use the info as an excuse to connect, he also wasn't avoiding me at all costs after i got him in trouble w/ OW so that's good right?

Unrelated, I'm really struggling w/ how to navigate my kids experience in all of this. They are from a previous relationship but really miss their step dad. Anything I do regarding them will come off as pressure . I can't tell him they miss him bc I don't want him to come around out of guilt. I can't let them call him bc they will ask where he is and when he's coming home.

After weeks of not saying anything they are suddenly asking about him a lot. I try to remember that if we all give him space these days of pain, even for them, will be worth it. It's just hard and 'out of my hands' as to whether or not he wants a relationship w/ them outside of our marriage.