Glad to find this sight. Have been reading thru some of the forums and thought I would try to briefly bring out my sitch. Wife left 8 weeks ago without telling me what she planned. Was supposed to be visiting her family up north and spend a little time with them. Drove her to the airport and after arriving there a few hours later I get a call from her saying they were sending someone to come pick up her car and would I bring it to the local airport when the next night. I asked what was up and she hesitated but stated she was leaving me permanently, then hesitated again and said it was permanent. I asked what was going on and the last thing she said was a sham of a marriage. All I could do was ask why she was doing it this way and got no answer convo ended there. That was the last time we spoke directly. All seemed okay prior to this call but now I have come to find out this was probably planned several weeks in advance. Now, we had our issues and I realize I caused alot of them. Lack of employment, finances, a big one here a serious lack of intimacy (goes both ways though. I also became sloppy and put on some pounds while seeking viable employment. No excuses but was a very stressful time. We did not yell and scream at each other nor did we really fight. We cooked and served each other as always, watched tv together and had talks. But i do realize when she would say some things about our situation finacially and employment wise I would sort of just nod my head. So,the only contact we have had is via email. What few she sends me is very short and very cold and icy and only when she needs me to do something. I have tried being nice and talking but the same ice cold responses. And they are always only one or two sentences. Stupidly I did send a gift about 5 weeks ago and the response was and email saying "thank you, it's very nice". I have not sent any further emails in almost 2 weeks. I do send what few pieces of mail that comes to her. Theres more but I wont go into it at this time. My thing is yes, I know realize I caused the majority of this but, how can someone be so normal and even nice then in a few hours go so darn cold and not want to even speak with you?
I do know she realizes how I feel or felt about her Im starting to realize there may be no hope of her coming back. Tried an apology letter a month ago accepting the blame but no response to that either. Now she is 900 miles away working parttime and her family is footing most of her bills for her. I have also come to understand given the employment situaion and finances she was more than likely seeking security which she indeed seems to have found.
Im 55 she is 6o no children together. Married 2007, been together since 2001.
I am sorry that you find yourself here but, you are in good company. All of our situations are different but they all have some similarities.
My wife resents me for financial reasons and a myriad of other things. She also shows very few signs of wanting to work on our M. I think if money were not a problem, that she may have moved out by now. I am mind reading of course.
Go out and buy the book Divorce Remedy and read Sandi's37 Rules in the newcomers section. Sandi's 37 Rules will explain what you can do firstly to help yourself get through the emotions you are possibly overwhelmed by or at least how to react to your S. Read as much as you can on this forum and see what might apply to you.
You need to start doing some serious GAL activities and stay busy with friends and relatives. Eat, sleep (or rest if you cant sleep) and exercise. Start right now working on yourself and what you can control. REMEMBER, you cant control her, only yourself.
I am sorry again for your situation. My prayers include everyone on this sight, you as well. You will here the word patience a lot on this sight. Learn it and Live it, it will help you get through.
Also, dont get down when she blames you for everything. That is script right our of the WAS handbook. Dont believe it. It takes two to make a marriage crisis. You didnt cause your wife to leave. She chose to leave. This is not your fault but it is your problem now. How you deal with it and how you deal with her can help you situation or it can hinder it. Take care of yourself and become a better person. One she would want to come back to. She fell in love with you once so if you want her back, become a better version of who you were when you met her.
You will have no control over how she will react but trust me, she will react. Her reactions will probably be negative for quite some time so start moving forward with yourself and what you can control. Reacting to her negativity in a positive way with a PMA will help you win her back. There are no guaranty that she will come back. Start working becoming a man she would want to come back to.
Good luck and continue posting and updating here. Vent your anger and frustrations here not to her.
There are a lot of wonderful people here on this site that will help you deal with your situation. You are not alone in this. We are all in this process together.
Thanks for the reply BKS. This is so darn hard anymore. Thing is she is now living some 900 miles from me and wont give me the time of day, You say she will react but, Dont see how she would be reacting when she wont even contact me, and with her family now caring for her I cant see how I can ever get her to talk to me, At this point I plan on going dark since she wont talk anyways. From what I read here that is what I should be doing. I do however send what few pieces of mail comes for her and its not much. I just put it in a big yelloow envelope and send it maybe evey three weeks.
All seemed okay prior to this call but now I have come to find out this was probably planned several weeks in advance.
More likely for months or even years. Have you read DR? It'll explain some of why your W did what she did. And it's your roadmap on what you should do from now on.
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Now, we had our issues and I realize I caused alot of them.
This statement sounds to me like you're not truly owning your mistakes. It sounds to me like you're saying "this wasn't bad enough to end the M over." But...
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Lack of employment, finances, a big one here a serious lack of intimacy
These are all HUGE issues. These are all significant, marriage-killing issues.
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goes both ways though
Not to her. You are the source of all her problems. That's the way she sees it. You have to dispel that notion.
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We did not yell and scream at each other nor did we really fight.
Interestingly most of the people that find themselves here say the same thing, me included.
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But i do realize when she would say some things about our situation finacially and employment wise I would sort of just nod my head.
BIG problem. She was reaching out to you about what she saw as MAJOR problems and you were blowing her off. It's in DR. You probably perceived it as nagging. She got tired of trying. She quit, and started planning her escape. Meanwhile when she quit nagging you thought things had gotten BETTER. So you were shocked that much more when she left.
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I have tried being nice and talking but the same ice cold responses.
It took her years to get to this point. You won't see an overnight turnaround from her, she's going to be like this for a long time.
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My thing is yes, I know realize I caused the majority of this but,
When you can make that statement without sticking "but" on the end of it, you'll have made your way to the starting line in this marathon.
Thanks for your insight another stander. Your right I shouldnt of put "but" in there. I have ordered DR and should be here Friday. You know, I cant handle the fact she is not wanting to talk with me. Especially since its all thru email anyway's. This is my fault and I realize it. I always figured that even though she had heart her previous 3 marriages and how abusive they were might make it that much harder for me. I just dont see where she will miss me enough to want to reconcile even after some time passes. Its my thought that she will file for a divorce once her 3 month residency in Il is established. I dont know thats just my feeling. I mean she hasnt even said the D word. I still have a hard time with how in just a matter of a few hours we went from talking and being normal to a call hours later from up north saying bring my car to the airport the next night. That was the last time we spoke on the phone and it's still so unreal.
Heard from my from my wife today via another short email after no contact for 2 weeks on both our parts. I had emailed a short one to her yesterday just letting her know i had forwarded her mail to her and said hope you are well. So today she responded with a thank you and that she put in for her mail to be forwarded by the post office. That she was sending me a small box of pictures she came across. Apparently while we were still together she was sending some of her personal stuff off to her sons home without me knowing about it. these must be pics of me etc that she doesnt want. So she appears to be in her new condo and looks like divorce after her establishing 3 months residency there in Illinois which is the earliest she could file. She still hasnt used the D word yet probably cause she wont say much of anything to me. With no opening and being 900 miles apart there isnt much I can do to reverse this whole thing....She has made sure we have no real ties anymore either and a D wont be difficult since what little assets we had are already done....Now I can do nothing but wait for D papers...this is not fun at all....
I was wondering if any vets or anyone else for that matter might try to look at my situation and make comments. My huge concern is the distance of some 900 miles between my WAW and I. Is there anything even a little bit of advice one can give to try and work towards anything positive. As my previous posts will reflect, we are having limited contact via email. Unfortunatly it's mostly by my initiating but I have done this only on average of every two weeks. She responds back very limited with one or two sentences. I am reading the DL book but doesnt seem to address anything when distance seperates the couple.
Hi 2 old, Welcome to divorce busting.com, officially. We are here to support you in your difficult situation, and even more, help you use the tools Michele has created (like Divorce Remedy and Keeping Love Alive) to find solutions to make your relationship with your wife warmer, and bring you two together.
The basic tools are here online as well.
YOU must do the work. It's about detecting the things that YOU do that cause a negative reaction in her and changing that. It does not mean everything is your fault. You work through a process, and if you stay focused, it can help you determine solutions more quickly. Blame slows you down. Focusing on what SHE is doing wrong or is involved with slows you down.
You have had excellent advice so far. Start with their recommendations, especially from Another Stander.
Thanks DBMOD, but I feel like my situation is difficult. My WAW has taken up residence in chicago area as her son rented her a Condo. She now has a pt job and will hardly make contact with me. We literally have almost no contact. The DR book so far doesn't seem to address a long distance situation. I am trying to get a handle on this lack of speaking with me.She is practically doing NC unless she needs me to do something for which is not much. Im wondering if she is staying quiet so she can get past her feelings quicker in order to file for a divorce as soon as she qualifies. Or what else does this NC of hers reflect?
