Run and hide your crazy

[mizjjd]

Prior thread "Getting Uncomfortable"
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2364549&page=11

forget the cliff- do you hear!!! bad girl , bad bad girl.

Yeah yeah, I know. Can't say it hasn't crossed my mind though - if I'm being completely honest. But I have kids. Do you think I'm going to leave them to their father's influence??

But thank you Nero

And I like your pragmatic approach. That is quite often what keeps me from heading for the hills. (Of course, we don't have any hills around here either lol) And IDK if that makes me rather .... mercenary? When I first came to DB and I mentioned my finances being a deciding factor of my "standing" I was informed this meant I was "acting out of fear". (And that comment really ticked me off.)

Lol. But you were so right when you said "money matters alot" The truth of the matter is that financially I am better off with H than without. Which means my kids are better off.

And my kids are better off without their stability "crumbling" as well. I do believe that. And on my stronger days all this, finances and kids, keeps me on the path. Just not having "stronger" days right now.

Maybe I just need time to get used to the "ring". It is after all, just another leaf on the tree. I think that it "confirms" something to me. (Not basing my opinion on too much guess work here, am I? Lol.) And its different dealing with a confirmed sitch vs a suspected sitch.

So maybe, no matter what the story behind the ring, maybe finding it was a good thing. Because it pushes me farther from H. And I think "farther" = "better".

I'm sorry J, I didn't mean to sound preachy

Preachy? Never crossed my mind. You sound like an optimist, and somebody who believes in love.

That is awesome. I admire you for it. You seem to like my H better than I do. And you definitely see a rosier future for us than I do.

I wish I could be more like you Linda. Truth be told, alot of my motivation to "stand" was outlined in the first part of this message.

I don't think I believe in love anymore. I don't know what I feel for my H. Frankly, I don't like him that much. And I don't know if by "him" I mean the real him or the him he is/has been for the past 15 or so years. Did he change from the man I met? Did I change? We both did, I am sure. But he seems to have some fundamental philosophies that are at such odds with my own core beliefs... the whole racism and squish game mentality.

So now I have to question my own ability to love, my own failings.

Gosh this is exhausting stuff.

Thread title pulled from Miranda Lambert's "Not My Mama's Broken Heart" (lyrics-as-thread-title seems so trendy right now so I thought I'd jump on the wagon.) I love that song I love it LOUD in my car!

And I'm going to work on hiding my crazy. Because its not helping anything or anyone.

[RosaLinda]

love it J!!!
Go and fix your make up, girl it's just a break up
Run and hide your crazy and start actin' like a lady
Cause I raised you better, gotta keep it together
Even when you fall apart
But this ain't my mama's broken heart 
not thinking any of us are feeling much like acting like a lady LOL!

"But you were so right when you said "money matters alot" The truth of the matter is that financially I am better off with H than without. Which means my kids are better off."

Me too. Under the new NY state D laws, I would have pay my H 30% of my salary from the day we separate until the day he marries the Tart, because of the discrepancy in our incomes. It svsks and is the ONLY thing that kept me from kicking him out when he left to pick his "friend" RT up at the airport and came home 2 weeks later. I am so so grateful now, because I returned to this forum and decided to stand again, sigh....  Just wanted you to know you're not alone J, and not mercenary. You have your kids to think of. Your childrens' financial and emotional wellbeing is a very very important consideration. 

"I don't think I believe in love anymore. I don't know what I feel for my H. Frankly, I don't like him that much. And I don't know if by "him" I mean the real him or the him he is/has been for the past 15 or so years. Did he change from the man I met? Did I change? We both did, I am sure. But he seems to have some fundamental philosophies that are at such odds with my own core beliefs... the whole racism and squish game mentality." 

I forgot about the squish game. So strange! Do you think it's possible he's been dabbling with MLC for 15 years, and only now starting to come out of it?

So..when does the happy gambler return? Have ypu heard if he plans to jeopardize his job on Monday? Hopefully that was just a passing whim. 

[mizjjd]

I've asked the DB sages a couple of times about an extended MLC. Popular opinion is that either this is part 2 of a crisis or H has other issues.

Or maybe both? I personally lean toward Narcissism - tendencies at the least.

IDK when he plans to return.

I actually just now had my first texts from him. And I haven't answered. This is something different for me. I normally answer right away. But you know of course its that damned ring. Lol. I'm picturing him there wearing it, with or without ow, and it burns my britches. Plus its been 24 hours since I've heard from H and that doesn't impress me.

He texted that he's up $200 and he's not having bm's. Sigh... couldn't you just put that on a Hallmark card?

[RosaLinda]

Oh maybe it is Crisis Round 2 then. My H had something similar, a 5 month period of normalcy. It just about broke me when he started in with RT the end of January J. How did your H act in the intervening 15 years? Did he do stuff like squish the whole time or just recently? I don't know anything about Narcissism, does he have those traits?

Up $200 but constipated hmmmm? Maybe his ring's too tight! LOL!

[mizjjd]

Narcissism = the "me" show to the ultimate extreme. Really hard core narcissists are often abusive and can be sociopaths, cult leaders are often thusly labeled. They are arrogant, self centered, callous, lacking in empathy, need admiration etc. It is often part of a larger problem including depression.

The intervening 15 years. Hmmm. Well for part of that time we were quite wealthy. H had his own business which was EXTREMELY successful. And OMG was he ever unbearable during that time period. Continuous parties, not a lot of qt with the kids. Drinking and I now know he pursued ow during this time as well. I don't know how successful he was, the only person he named he said, with such a "precious" pout in his voice, "But she turned me down." But he was a good looking rich guy so I'm gonna guess there were others with less scruples.

And then the business got shut down. And H swan dived into depression. But at the same time the kids started getting into sports so H became more involved with them. And he developed several small businesses along the way. Not terrific to me but, "ok". I guess this would actually be the "golden" years of our marriage. (How sad is that!?)

The squish game started about 6 or 7 years ago. This part, the squish and racism is fairly recent, the last third of our marriage I would guess.

I liked the "ring too tight"

I'm very tempted to text back with a suggestion he loosen his ring... wonder what he'd think of that? Lol. Would be a good time to have a hidden camera on him.

[mizjjd]

Raine's test reminded me of this test. Its not new, and you may well have heard it before.

What is your favorite color? Please give at least 3 adjectives you associate with that color.

What is your favorite animal? Please give at least 3 adjectives you associate with that animal.

Pick your favorite type of body of water. Please give at least 3 adjectives you associate with that water.

Imagine you are in an empty room. Please give at least 3 adjectives describing how you feel.

[nero]

hey hi mz-

i was, in retrospect, kinda pushy on your thread yesterday- so sorry (and no extra charge - drive thru please).

got freaked a bit about the cliff- .


(no wonder you don't think you feel & believe in love. just put that all on hold i think- do not judge yourself & your feelings or beliefs. (i'm tryin to listen to self about this) we're getting skewed readings now - while in pain-.

love of all sorts is all around- we're damaged rite now- it's no time to make a major policy decision( belief in love). no time to make ANY major decision or new policies - you need to be "normal" and our h's mlc has made us anything but that rite now. .

I was thinking about your comments In UR last thread - and i'm pretty sure it WAS you - about 17 yrs and other - owS)


you know- me too on this and honestly- the MOST distressing thing about it all is that - my h felt compelled to tell me that he and this ow had a flirtation in the office 20 or so yrs ago, but "he chose to stay with me". this one stinkng bit of Information- about something waaaaay back then - has made all the difference - good & bad to me about this whole f'ing fiasco (i.e., my life & HIS cheating rotten self).

knowing THAT has "let me off the hook" for taking ALLLLLLL the blame. (something i'm good at- inspecting self & finding my "part" and my "responsibility", etc. If he cheated back when we were new and love was exciting- he's just a selfish pig of a person and it had not one single thing to do with me changing or not being as "good" as i should be . sorry, ta da.....

- BUT - IT HAS single-handedly (probably) ruined EVERYTHING. it made me think/realize that every single time i'd been out of town for our entire life together- he's probably just screwed around.


It made me think/realize - he is not and never WAS (most probably) the man i thought he was. this is the worst bit to "swallow" and the most damning and the most likely for this all to kill any r we ever had or ever will.

i'm hanging on- BUT - I CANNOT reconcile it all - BUT I'M NOT MAKING any new broad policy decision now about it. - my brain gets seriously near exploding. i'm hoping with time it will somehow come to me - a way to look at this and be reasonable.

haven't yet - (two solid years of KNOWING)

the money thing- you don't owe anyone or self an apology for this - don't let anybody tell ya otherwise. and don't judge self either. Alllll the "they say" bs expectations & "rules" ,etc are total garbage....hype -

I began (maybe am STILL- but not sure) "standing" becasue of love - clear and simple. years and years of lookng 4 and finding the GOOD - i BELIEVED HE was a good man- a good person. a person very worthy of understanding &love. now i'm wondering and doubting every single thing i ever believed - and assumed and it is not a pleasant place to be.

I am no longer sure of who he is & was. his coldness & change to a critical and awful man for , what? can't remember - five years, etc. - him ALLOWING ME TO be all understanding, lying about ow , himself, what was going on with him - HIM ALLOWING ME TO SPIN & wonder & TRY (HARD) to figure it out - to please - to fix it .... can ya ever forgive that? i wonder...

what a p.o.s.- sorry, i cannot find any excuse for making another human being suffer like that. what sort of a "person" does that? (i'd like to believe he's suffering and it's his pain driving him- i'm not so sure bout that either)

SO ANYWAY_ this business of a big fat PAST SINS stuff falling into my face & finding it out- i think this is what makes us nuts. DON'T YOU????? how do you come to grips with that all - or me ? if it were just now, & he fell off the wagon becasue of life's traumas- well, one can almost understand. if it's been forever, right along with my fun & wonderful life with him- well, then. it makes my entire r with him - 38 yrs a total sham - doesn't it? WHAT about love????

you see my problem- i assume it's yours too.

THE MONEY- it's easy for everyone in universe to think it's "shabby". WHO EVER SAID it's "fear based " well, big whoop - i'd be pissed too - who is anyone out there to judge you or make you feel like your fear (& mine & everyones) is someting to feel badly about. "fear" is also a huge "survival instinct" it was put into our heads & hearts to preserveus.

if i feel fear or you do- yay, we're more likely to "survive" than some dope that rushes into something rash for some dumb reason - or no reason. because "they think" we should! phooey.

your survival means survival to your kids - even if it means survival to just me- well, we're all stinkin animals - our instinct is exactly (only) that- survive and procreate.

ta da -

yeah, like why would we need to eat or pay bills or have a roof over our head? i mean- really - we're supposed to walk out in outrage in a flame of glory .!!! for who? exactly... yeah rite- grow up world ..... the next day & for rest of our lives - we're the ones SUCKING UP the consequences of our actions. it behooves us to think long and hard about what we're thinking of doing (AND WHY) & the results it will bring.


my H said to ME - when first found out and we had some big "screamers" about it- me saying i'll just pack up & clear out- he said "you're life would be alot easier with me paying the bills - stay around until you have something better". WHO SAYS STUFF like that to a person they're supposed to love for the bulk of their adult life???

i read a statistic somewhere that said (approx) when a marriage breaks up- woman's income shrinks by 65% and man's increases by 45% or something like that i've forgotten exact #'s ) it was alot - -

my h is using his money to buy me off- to "make it okay" for him to be a $hit & liar and trash my heart/life and have his ow and his sparklie new 18yr-old-guy-life . guess he thinks it makes him "a nice guy".

and i know it- and i'm still here. it repulses me, to be "bought" and be a "fraud" - yet i know it won't fix my pain to immediately plunge myself into insecurity & POVERTY for a big show of bravado & my "image". (I do not have one- never have).

sorry for the ranter - it is you with the 17 yrs rite? it's awful and i'm soo sorry for you for that- me too. it is such an awful thing to find out & changes everything - doesn't it? or do i just feel like that ? maybe with time we become calmer & somehow incorporate it???? less painful? less crazy? one can hope

sorry for length- i got rantie- you have fine reasons for staying on "the path". if you just felt hate & wanted out at all cost - you'd be gone. the only reasons TO be gone- donja think?

hope your day is ok

xxo hope you're havin a better day.

[mizjjd]

Nero,

Yes it was me with the 17 years. If I go by what H says ( ) his first affair, a one-night stand he says, was after the twins were born and he had a vasectomy. We have 4 children together, he has 3 more from previous Ms so we thought permanent birth control was a good idea. We both did. He had waited until the twins were born healthy. I had been on bed rest for about 4 and a half months with the twins - no sex. Finally, the twins are delivered healthy!! Woo hoo! I'm off the couch and ready for "love". But of course, can't just yet because well, I'd just had 2 babies. Somewhere in here H has his vasectomy. And the reality of dealing with 4 under the age of 4 SLAMS into me, so I'm still ready for "love" but not as "ready" as I had been in the first euphoric days after the twins birth. And then, while shopping one day I was in the baby aisle and realized that this was it. That my baby aisle days were numbered. Now, keep in mind, I didn't want any more kids. But, I was a little saddened that day, to realize a chapter of my life had ended.

And now comes the bad part. I went home and told this to H. But he didn't hear me. He heard.

I thought I wanted to have sex while I was on bed rest, and before you had the vasectomy. But now that you've had the vasectomy I don't want you any more.

The above equaled a starting gun on the race for "numerous women".

I have apologized and explained the true meaning of what I told him 4 million times. But he was imprinted by what he heard, and there's no erasing it. Of course, he didn't tell me at the time how he took what I said, it only came up with the revelation of the As. By that time the imprint was deep.

I think H could still be a good man. Not a perfect man, and not even perfect for me. But I don't need perfect, I need someone who strives to do what's right regarding a M.

H has trouble settling for less than perfect in himself or others. He has by now decided that he only fools around because the marriage, or me, is flawed. If I was more perfect he would love me better and wouldn't stray. (He has said this, no mind reading.)

Your H may not be the man you thought he was. But you may still think he's the man for you. We have to come to grips with loving someone who makes mistakes, really bad hurtful mistakes. But if we only love the person who we thought we knew, maybe we never loved fully?

I don't know how we "reconcile" all this. I guess we change our definition of marriage. Disney does a disservice to real life marriages. I have heard the Innuit have many words for snow. Maybe we need many words for marriage because not all marriages fit the "mold" popular culture feeds us.

Take care Nero. I'm off to fastfoodland job. Its a mile away. All flat lands

[albamarie]

I've asked the DB sages a couple of times about an extended MLC. Popular opinion is that either this is part 2 of a crisis or H has other issues.

Or maybe both? I personally lean toward Narcissism - tendencies at the least.

Hi Miz, I agree w the narcissism for my sitch as well. My opinion is when your not so self absorbed, you then can recognize when your inflicting hurt upon another person, aka the one you L.

I called my H "singular" the other day, which to me is a also a form of this mixed pot of MLC. He can't take my ignoring him for too long, but never has the forethought to include me in on a cup of coffee or to throw an extra egg in the pan for me.

Is there really a part to of MLC, or is it the cycling I read about? It makes me wonder if I am a big contributor to his cycling if so. It's true I haven't made any life altering changes that would shake him.

I send my H's calls straight to VM now, my little act of detachement. It's good you don't answer right away, why should you be at his beckon call!

Can you explain the test, and what the results reveal? thanks

[mizjjd]

Hey Dawn

The colors, and how you describe them, are how you see yourself.

The animal is how others see you.

The body of water - all about sex!

The empty room is how you feel about death.

Is there really a part to of MLC, or is it the cycling I read about? It makes me wonder if I am a big contributor to his cycling if so. It's true I haven't made any life altering changes that would shake him.

I don't know. H said, this time around, that during the revelation of the first-affair-I-knew-about he thought of leaving. But then, in his words, "You became so compliant I changed my mind."

So, in the eyes of the "we are all codependent enablers" I did indeed enable him to continue "acting out" or whatever label his behavior earns.

I no longer know what to think about our M. Learning he pursued women when I would have thought we were at our happiest/closest just floors me. What I thought was "gold" was just glitter, I am afraid.

H returned yesterday about 4. Just in time for me to get off fastfoodland and hear a radio show about people who make a living playing black jack.

The ring is no longer in the hidey hole. IDK what this means.

I mentioned to H at breakfast, "Wow, that was a terrible train crash in Quebec wasn't it?"

H, "Its just Quebec, no major loss there."

Take care DB world.