Gabbysmom, I wasnt trying to be right. I said numerous times im not an expert. I stated before my theory, that it is my opinion and many will disagree....and that is fine.
There is a difference between wanting to be right, and wanting to be understood. I was simply explaining my opinion and using examples to illustrate.
You seem to always have the same view of my opinion. Perhaps you need to be right?
Again, im not claiming to be an expert. And these are.only my opinions. And they are not counter to DB principles. I just feel there is more to why we fall in love than just what we say or think we need.
Consider this (opinion if mine). If we all knew exactly what needs we need met, and we chose our spouse, why are divorce rates on the rise?
I mean you could argue that your spouse stops meeting those needs and that probably has a lot if truth to it.
But you might also see that sometimes what we think we need and what we actually need are two different things. Not to mention the ever changing order of what needs are most important to us (both men and women) depending on the stage of life we are in....
My OPINION is that what holds marriages and families together for decades, or even a lifetime, are much more fundamental requirements that are innate in us as humans (even evident in animals).
It is not sexist or condescending in my opinion. The 'requirements' or basic characteristics if a good husband are universal to all walks of life...ability to provide for family needs, ability to.protect ones family, ability to navigate the family through tough times.
These things might sound sexist because you feel it reduces women to a being that doesnt truely know what they need. But the reason it is not sexist theory in my opinion, is that the same holds true for men....
We THINK it is important to us that our women are sexy, in shape, and pretty much a 'trophy' ad thet say. But many models and very attractive women are divorced every year and left for a woman much less attractive.
This goes back to the fundamental laws if nature in my opinion. Men dont realize that they actually need their woman to show them respect, to pump their ego up, to be a good mother to their kids, to be supportive if their dreams and aspirations.
In my opinion it is the feminist movement that made modern society view basic laws.of nature as sexist. There was n consideration given that the same holds true for men, and that we are held to a certain fundamental attractiveness yardstick so to speak.
You can go with the 30 or 40 year old view that a man who helps out around the house is an attractive husband, and I would agree that if he has all the fundamentals covered, helping out around the.house is icing on the cake.
But is my opinion that we cannot forget traits that have been important to each of the sexes since the start of time. These traits have.not had enough time to eveolve out of our existence! A man who is strong and can provide and protect etc... Will always be attractive to women just as a curvy woman with child bearing hips will always be atfractive to men, regardless of what modern day society tells us we shoul need. A man who is missing the.fundamentals but helps around the house will still be as unattractive a spouse as a woman who is really thin but a horrible mother or doesnt support her mans abilities.
Calll it sexist or whatever you want, but it is in my.opinion, that this is just the fundamental laws of mate choosing.
Yes variations in what women like in a man do exist, as they do in men. But I think often times these differences we place emphasis on are driven by societal pressures and at the root of our conscience we are still governed by basic laws of nature.
These are my opinions from my readings. I am not a pro at saving relationships and many of you know a whole.lot more about that than.i.do! This is just an observation I, and many others, have made from looking at the.couples who are supposedly happy as well as analyzing why we choose the person we chose to be our spouse. And how sometimes even though.they are not meeting ANY of our needs as the BS, our WAW is still attractive to us. In some ways even more than before! They have exhibited strength and the desire to get what they want out of life and that is attractive even if we dont agree with how they are going about it.
I guesz what I am trying to say in simple terms, is that what we find attractive.in someone is very complicated and so doing the dishes although it may add to someones attractiveness, they must first have fundamentals covered. No amount of.housework will make up for lacking in the naturally occuring requirements of the opposite sex.
You are free to disagree. But im trying to help a.fellow man understand how or why his wife doesnt seem to be as interested in him as she once was. I believe that is part of DB...to figure out what you need to change about yourself.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
Oh an Tallulas view on her husband is in line with my opinion. She sats he is the manliest man you will ever meet. Andd now that he is helping with the kids he is adding icing to the cake! And hee turns her on BIG time! She wants to jump his bones regardless of what pain he may have caused her...because he is attractive chocolate cake with icing on top!
Now if he wasnt manly, he could probably bathe the kids every day until the skin on his hands fell off. Would she want to jump his bones? Maybe. But if she didnt, then it would.clearly mean he lacks in something else, something.much more basic on the attraction list.
So in my.opinion, if you have been helpful to your wife all along (as I have been) and she is still not.so.interested in you the you probably need to take a.closer.look at what makes a man fundamentally more attractive because you probably fell short at some point in your marriage (as I did).
I failed in the providing for my family. It is not.a.money thing, but more of an attitude towards the problem that matters. If you work to solve the problem with courage and strength you.become attractive even if you never achieve gour goal of being rich.
If you cowardly run from the problems, and constant blame your issue on things beyond.your.control, and whine, and show fear and lack of ability to.deal with lifes stresses, you become less attractive. Doing dishes will not offset this.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
Oh an Tallulas view on her husband is in line with my opinion. She sats he is the manliest man you will ever meet. Andd now that he is helping with the kids he is adding icing to the cake! And hee turns her on BIG time! She wants to jump his bones regardless of what pain he may have caused her...because he is attractive chocolate cake with icing on top!
Now if he wasnt manly, he could probably bathe the kids every day until the skin on his hands fell off. Would she want to jump his bones? Maybe. But if she didnt, then it would.clearly mean he lacks in something else, something.much more basic on the attraction list.
So in my.opinion, if you have been helpful to your wife all along (as I have been) and she is still not.so.interested in you the you probably need to take a.closer.look at what makes a man fundamentally more attractive because you probably fell short at some point in your marriage (as I did).
I failed in the providing for my family. It is not.a.money thing, but more of an attitude towards the problem that matters. If you work to solve the problem with courage and strength you.become attractive even if you never achieve gour goal of being rich.
If you cowardly run from the problems, and constant blame your issue on things beyond.your.control, and whine, and show fear and lack of ability to.deal with lifes stresses, you become less attractive. Doing dishes will not offset this.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
I didn't mean to create a controversy, but on the other hand, expressing different opinions is what helps us all refine our own.
And MrBond, I was clear to state that I was "initially" offended. Like an e-mail, it's easy to construe a comment in many ways without a tone of voice or other context. I thought you were, in a way, calling me an idiot and challenging my original claim that I had read DR. Can you tell that all of this potential D business has made me hyper sensitive?
I was clear in that same post to thank you as I did realize after my initial read that you weren't saying any of those things. So I will continue to look at your (and everyone else's) posts as well intentioned. And nice to see that you have a lot of fans here, MrBond [I feel some Bond villain dialogue coming on]
SM34, I have no problem if you want to keep the lively debate going here, but it does seem juicy and contentious enough to merit a post of its own with a better title that might get more eyes than my tale of woe (which is getting less woeful).
I want to reply to some other comments, but they are on the prev page, so I will post again later.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
Just responding to comments that were on the previous page.
Labug, great advice. I poo poo'd a lot of stuff that my wife liked thinking we could just do our own things. I also inserted my own assessment of what I thought was important, not hers. I see the errors of my ways now and am listening, listening, listening. And agreeing instead of defending or arguing. It's helping a wee bit I think. I don't know if I can undo 4 or 5 years of damage, but I haven't given up yet.
I would love to continue hearing from women, whether the LBS or the WAW. Thanks bug!
MrBond, I started reading Chapter 7 onwards and will finish tonight. And I am beating the depression as we speak. I know from before that slow and steady wins.
And lastly, uRworthy, thanks for the encouragement and the reminder to stick to the basics. I am finally ready to let her go through her journey, but I really hope it can happen under the same roof.
Thanks for the support. I would love to hear from a few who succeeded, though I imagine they are not on here anymore. I did read quite a few in the Success Stories thread, but it seemed to have a book marketing bent. I'm already sold
I'll combine 180's and GAL activities, because in my mind, they're complementary and, on some cases, they overlap.
Here goes...
Dishes, laundry, cleaning, picking up after myself and making the kids do the same (you're favourite stuff SM ) Focusing on the kids and giving them my full attention instead of half-working or screwing around on my iPad Running - I'm on a roll the past while and targeting to run a 5k (I used to run in races a couple of years ago and stopped running altogether) Yard work Being pleasant to everyone, including my W Going outside Reconnecting with friends Planning social activities with friends Doing spontaneous things with the kids. Stopping discussing the R - I screw up in a minor way about once a day, trying to get that to once a week or not at all Reading happy books, watching happy movies and listening to happy music Noticing the beauty of everything around me Feeling blessed for all the good things in my life, esp the kids Re-framing the bad to put a positive spin on it
With all this, I am starting to feel the same as I did 10 months ago just before BD, which was great. Sadly, it took me bottoming out to start.
)