WAW has a male confidant, but denies sexual relationship.
Last time we where in the same situation, it was a very clear starting point - "I found someone else/don't love you/etc." This time it's "I need some time away, I'm staying at the new house for a couple of weeks."
I'm trying very hard to go dark and not contact her right now because that's what has worked best, both the last time we were in this situation and now. When I've messed up, I get very angry replies, often off-topic or misconstruing my intentions.
Scenarios:
Let's say she contacts me and says the dreaded D-Word and confirms an affair. How can I apply DB principles to my response? I can't appear needy/clingy/begging/etc. Referring back to the last time she left for someone else would be a disaster at this point for sure. But I would certainly want to state why/how I think we can salvage this M.
Or, she says I was wrong, and untrusting, and she's just friends with the OM. I also have a female friend I've turned to via phone/email etc. and she knows this. She's in another state, so the situations is different, but maybe from W's point of view it's equivalent. I can see this being an easier scenario to react to, but would still like advice on how you'd handle it.
One more thing - affair or not, if we get back on track, this is a tricky thing. The OM is someone we hired to work on the house, who was recommended by our realtor. This has poisoned my feelings about the realtor (not fair, and I've kept these feelings to myself)and the contractor. But... we'll be moving into the house that he's painted and restored the floors in. I can foresee a constant reminder every time I look around the house. How can I ask her to end this friendship? I won't be able to be friends with this man, or work with him again in the future, either way. I have no answers here, and maybe that's best deferred for if/when we're working on healing the M. But I would LOVE to hear any advice!
You don' t have any idea of all the work I've been doing on myself. I've started counseling for my issues and found a stress reduction and pain relief program. You have no grounds to judge that my attitide hasn't changed.
I find your negative attitude to be really counterproductive. There is no reason to stick to one thread when there are multiple issues. I want the opinions of varied people in those same situations.
Obvious is right. That's a textbook DB situation. Thats why its so hard for us to compete with those OP. Right now, since I'm in 180 mode, I cant say that I can listen, because I have to give her space and not contact her. But it's one of the things I am working on.
You miss the entire point of DB by stating there's nothing I can do about it. There's a WHOLE lot I can do - by not continuing to do what doesn't work.
I get what you meant about the filing now. Thanks for clarifying.
But please stop harping on last time I was here and move on. Ruminating in that forum, about thinking of leaving, was an exercise appropriate for that forum. Yes, I said some nasty things about my W and her attitudes and behavior. Those things are true. Not acknowledging them doesn't change them. I can only change my behavior in reaction to them, but it doesn't mean that they can't be put out there for discussion in an appropriate forum.
Sure, I should have been continuing on from the first time - if I was perfect.
Need help with the panic, impatience and snooping. So paranoid about possible EA or even PA with OM that I can't stop looking at text records on phone bill and trying to figure out if it could be related to the work on the house or if it's more than that.
Yesterday, she texted me asking what I'd told my mom, because my mom had texted her "happy 4th" and she said she was surprised that she would do that if I had told her "what's going on"
She asked if she could come do laundry, visit the cat and if she could take the microwave or toaster oven. I just said OK, then said I was going out, so I wasn't here when she came over.
She texted me before she left, and once while she was here with a message about the cats - no D talk or anything. When she got back to the other house, she texted me another trivial message. Then I went a tad bit overboard and texted back and ended up having the last word, or text. I should have ended it with a quick reply to hers. And made it worse by sending a FB msg and and email! I know, I know.
At least all of those were just light-hearted banter about non-relationship stuff. But one was a picture of a memorial stone I thought she'd like (for our old cat who passed away a year ago) because that was something we were supposed to do at the new house. So that might have seen that as manipulative.
It's the MIXED SIGNALS that get me. The acting like it's a permanent change, but zero talk about D, even via text or email.
It started with "a couple weeks apart." She knows I only have the rental car until Monday (we only had one car since I work from home), but there's been zero talk about a permanent change, or anything.
She texted me about going out to dinner once, which we did, and that was fine. Maybe she thought we could talk about it face to face, but didn't get up the courage?
She texted me to go to a movie last Sat as well, but I said I was busy catching up on work. The funny thing is, I was sitting in that very same move at the time trying to keep myself busy and out of trouble!
We were supposed to try again "later in the week" but after that was when I really backslid and texted the contractor/possible OM and asked about the progress on the house. She promptly flipped out over that.
"I don't see where your W was giving you mixed signals. She wanted space from you because of your anger issues, then you flipped out on her AGAIN when the two of you were supposed to get back together again."
Wow. You are completely wrong in that assessment. I absolutely didn't flip out. Handled it a thousand times better than last time. Only acknowledged the issues she brought up and validated that I understood why she felt the need for time apart.
I have never mentioned D to her at all. Not once.
While I've mentioned anger issues, I am by no means violent and explosive, dangerous or raging. And when I say paranoid, I am not using a clinical diagnosis - I see all over this forum examples of people who cannot control the urge to snoop when they are scared of infidelity.
So, there is a path ahead. She said she's been doing a lot of thinking, and we should continue to live apart for a while. She did take note of the changes I'm trying to make, but also dredged up a lot of stuff from the past.
She pretty much acknowledged an EA, but not a PA. Have to take that for what it's worth - just takes one spark... But, that's one of the things I can't control. To be fair this is the hardest thing of all to not obsess about, but also the one thing that it's critical that I overcome. Trying not to focus on what I can't change.
I have plenty of GAL activities to do around here. Since we were in the process of moving, I am continuing at the old place getting it ready to sell, which is going to happen regardless.
I had been at the library and so I had The Divorce Remedy in my grubby hands when I replied to her email. I tried to reply in a way that let her know I appreciated her honesty, communication, etc. and not get defensive about the things she brought up. Was a little dicey with some things that I had to touch on, but I think I did very well with that, all things considered.
I found a couple of answers to one of my own questions/dilemmas:
"I can foresee a constant reminder every time I look around the house."
That might actually be a good reminder to myself what can happen when a spouse is left feeling unloved for too long. Also, if the guy had been a cook, would I stop eating because food would remind me of the EA? ;-)
