wife hardends heart-2

[planet]

I figured it's best that i continue posting in the newcomers section.
Hope it's alright.

Previous topic @
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2355057&page=1

[planet]

The W invited me out for drinks with her 'not quite OM' and she had invited him for a swim with my kids for the weekend. I was taken aback because I have made myself clear that she have to discuss any decisions with me regarding the kids beforehand. Besides as a father, I would hoped my kids will developed sweet memories of any activity with me as i am available too.

So later that night, I expressed those feelings gently. She became defensive and brought up all past and new grudges against me and my family.

Few things I could draw from that horror:
1) W noticed my 180s. in fact her family noticed my 180s. I wasn't even aware of the small things i did got noticed. All i did was to be a little 'warmer' to others.
2) W notes that i spent time with my kids more before the D proceedings. I had great fun doing that. I feel my kids are closer to me than before.
3) She thinks all those positives were just pretend. at least she convinced herself so.
4) I defended several accusations to which were absolutely wrong. Don't want to be accused of something which were not true.
5) W pretty upset that i have been avoiding her and not being interested in her activities. This is where i'm confused. I'm giving her space but apparently this was read wrongly. W was real peeved that I did not asked about her recent illness. I figured i'd best avoid doing that since she has rejected my offer of help and concerns previously that i really thought she wanted to be left alone. Man, did i got that wrong! that's a new grudge. gonna stick hereon.
6) brought up grudges against my mom and sis the whole time. I feel that this is never going to go away. I feel she has placed me in the same category.
7) W mentioned she should have divorce me earlier. Beginning to feel it's best to let go.

she asked me to sleep in the other room. I told her she could sleep there if she wants since i did nothing wrong.

[planet]

What to do do with the 'not quite OM'?
He's always around. He comes by the house almost every weekend and stayed for the for long hours returning only late at night. He also will come over for dinner if he happens to be around on some weekdays. Sometimes I'm present and sometimes I'm not.
I'm not cool with all this. Clearly W is smitten but I doubt she had crossed the line.
They sit pretty close to each other which makes me very uncomfortable. The fact that W will ask him to do stuffs around the house makes me very uncomfortable. Fact that she tells him a lot of things and he seems to acknowledge them makes me uncomfortable. Fact that he tries to be like a 'father' to my kids makes me angry. Feels like being replaced right in front of me.
What does she wants from me? She'll ask me if I would like to join if they have already made plans to go out all the time. The not quite OM will invite W out over the phone and she will in turn ask me if I would like to join. I have been GAL over the weekends but they wait until I'm back before going out for dinner. But that is before I have requested W to inform me whenever she wants to take the kids out. Previously she have taken the kids out for lunch with the 'not quite OM' without informing me. maybe a few more outings too.
There is something going on but I cannot say I'm 100%. Other people have been noticing too. It's pretty confusing.
What do I do? Do I confront? My situation is not improving with him in the picture. It's like I'm not needed even as a father to my kids.

[planet]

But one thing I could learn form is guy is how to be thoughtful. Man, he sure is thoughtful.
He'll carry other people's stuff for them. I saw him keeping W mobile phone for her. I saw him holding a friend's bag for her.
He brings over some cookies for me if W did not offer me. He gets a magazine for me about a recent hobby I'm having. W even chides me for wanting to returned it earlier without finishing it.
He's like a world's nicest guy.

But a little too nice for me.

[planet]

I got quite an earful this morning. It seems that W didn't like that I didn't call or text her that I won't be joining them for dinner as I was away GAL. Accusing me of being selfish and always thinking of myself. Never cared if our D are hungry as it was getting late waiting for me. the thing is, I never said I'll be having dinner with them and I only request W to inform me where she will be taking our kids out. She took that as I'm being selfish and she was required to wait for me for dinner.
It seems W was upset of my surprised reaction to her joke with our friend later that night. It seems that telling my kids that they can be 'anything they want and should not let anyone tell me otherwise' was totally wrong with her. W thought I was imposing myself in front of our friends. I'm pretty sure they are totally occupied when that happened.
W was annoyed that I GAL after work almost everyday. I kept everything brief about my activities.
It seems that whatever I do or say annoys her. I just cannot win. 180 and GAL is not getting the results here. What have I gone wrong here?

[planet]

With W being angry and annoyed with me all the time drains me.
The 'not quite OM' have brazenly helped himself to my kids room. This makes me angry. It's like I'm giving too much space.
W told me get dinner on my own if I plan to GAL. I returned early to find out that W had made plans with him and our kids for dinner. He was there at my house does not surprised me at all. W asked if I would to join but I declined. I have gone to spend time at my parents.
The situation is like I'm ok with all this nonsense but I'm not. Need to push back. Or should I detach more?
Help!

[PatientMan]

You're married and there's another man living in your house and hanging around your wife and kids?!?!? I checked the thread you linked and don't see an explanation of how or why this is occurring. +

-PM

[planet]

he's not living in my house. he spends most of his weekends at my house and stayed for dinner. maybe by invitation from W or he just asks if he could come over.
he's like this friendliest friend. it's just too much.

[PatientMan]

Okay. I misunderstood when you said he helped himself to one of your kid's rooms. What does that mean?

Do not take the following as advice, but *I* would not be able to resist the urge to have a private conversation with the young man the next time he is over at *my* house. It appears as though your W is flaunting this guy right in front of you, and you're just capitulating. *I* couldn't do that, but I'm NOT telling you that you should do anything.

Smarter people than me may come along and give you proper DB'ing tips. Pay attention. There are a lot of caring and knowledgeable people here.

All the best.

-PM

[planet]

I meant that he enters my kid's room. which guest would do that?

flaunting? maybe comparing.

she's enjoying his company and he's enjoying his time at my house. I don't think he has much friends that he could hang out with other than with W.