Falling Down 100....Getting Up 101

[Portia]

Hello Friends,

Here a the link to my last thread: Swimming Upstream Against the Current

My thread title is a Zen slogan. The real saying is Fall down 53, get up 54. But I figured I needed a few more in there. It reminds me that no matter how many times I may fall or fail, the important thing is to get back up because one of these times, I am going to stay UP.

Unfortunately it is a bit of a fall down day for me.

I was in such a good mood yesterday - beautiful day, send Happy Canada Day greetings out to my Canadian Friends and then...oh yep, I send a small text referring to a positive thing that happened close to that time last year to him (nothing about us).

No response.

What is wrong with me? I know my triggers and obviously he is one of them. Just as obviously, MLC or no, he clearly does not want contact with me. I guess I was just in a good mood and thought to spread it to someone who may need it. But likely he is not the one who needs cheering up; I am only assuming that because he is in MLC that he is miserable on some level. That this could be withdrawal stage but it seems too early...can drive a person nuts. AND that is minding reading. To my detriment.

Blast. Not detached. And I am not touching the hot stove again. I get disappointed every time. No more relying on the past. He is not that person to me any more. He is nothing to me right now, just as I am nothing to him and have not been for a long time.

I am taking a page out of BF's and BR's books and living my life. If contacts me, I will deal with it. If he doesn't, then I will keep living my life.

Time I got the message.

[BrightFuture]

Portia, there could be different reasons why he didn’t respond. I remember last fall I sent a text to my H with a question and he never replied back. I think that it could have been lost with other texts he received at the same time, or he just didn’t get it. I let it go. It doesn’t mean that your SO doesn’t want contact with you because he didn’t reply to your text. You don’t know what is going on in his head. You can always send him something when you feel like it, just don’t have any expectations.

Thinking of you (((((hugs)))))

[ForeverYoung]

Hi Portia. I want you to know there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You've been giving him all the space in the world and finally felt it was time to reach out with a pleasant text that had nothing to do with the relationship... there's nothing at all wrong with that. You're doing the best you can for your relationship right now, and I'm proud of you for that.

I also agree with BF. You really don't know what he's thinking. He may have been happy to see your text, but felt too guilty to text back because of his actions. Maybe he's just not ready.

If my W moved out I'd do the same as you. Give her periods of NC and then reach out lightly. The day I stop reaching out is the day I'm done. Are you done?

[makingmagic]

Portia...what was said in the message? Can I ask?

[MrBond]

Forget about the message that you sent regardless of what was said. You sent a nice message, leave it at that. The hardest part will be for you to not have expectations of a response from him. He will remain distant at this stage. It's part of the script.

[RosaLinda]

Oh Portia. I'm sorry he did not answer your text. MLCers can be such jerks. You know I'm in favor of periodic attempts at contact. But only if you can get detached enough, get your expectations so low, that this sort of thing won't hurt.

I know it will take me a long time to get that detached, maybe never. And sispect you're the same. Please don't blame yourself for loving him.

[nero]

Hi portia -

like the slogan- writing it down here on a little chalk bd i have - just look when i walk by- trying to keep myself perked up & philosophical. one just has to keep getting up- it's true.

sorry no reply to your note.. i bet the no reply has nothing to do with you really- you probably didn't ask a specific question- requi4ring a specific answer. so it didn't occur to him you were fishing for contact. it's something my ultra-brainy- bit emotionally infant h would do.

my h didn't call yesterday- i always feel a bit let down & think i do not exist in his world and i do not matter at all.

he says he cannot relate to that at all - how he feels as a result of anyone elses actions (he's nuts) it never crosses his mind at all - who cares about him . (i think it's a lie or he would not stack up ow -) but, maybe it's true. maybe he's sooo detached & self involved (i'm not sure he's hurting) tho i'm sure he did as a child. maybe men have some shutoff valve in their head/heart that enables them to plug thru life, fight wars & dinosaurs and not worry about anything but the moment. my h also said that- his brain does not go further than the next 15 minutes? wtf? nice life huh?

could that really be for such a smart guy? one wonders and we'll never know what's in those heads huh?

you know- i thought of two separate funny travel things i was telling someone yesterday- and wanted to call or write and say - hey, remember how funny that was? i didn't tho- i always feel like he views it as me "trying to reel him into fond old memories" - i hate that it's making me fearful.

it's hard not to just be self.

MLC or no, he clearly does not want contact with me.

I can't seem to get the message either- that darn hot stove!!!

you'd think i would by now - but then, here we are huh? doing this- wtf is that if not hanging around the stove????

some how- i'm going to have a decent week and not obsess about being alone. I just don't seem to be able to really "kick this habit" here- it's discouraging. i cannot imagine how hard it must be to lose 200 lb or kick alcohol or any addiction.

oh well- me still working toward kicking my particular addiction (h?L?r? - whatever)

have a good day i hope. hang on - you sound great really - we all do have our triggers - maybe forever - we all find out "in the end" i guess. your h is probbly just being his old insane "mlc self" -

get out your potholder

[Portia]

Everyone, thank you so very much for coming to my rescue after my blue day!

It doesn’t mean that your SO doesn’t want contact with you because he didn’t reply to your text. You don’t know what is going on in his head. You can always send him something when you feel like it, just don’t have any expectations.

The hardest part will be for you to not have expectations of a response from him. He will remain distant at this stage. It's part of the script.

You know I'm in favor of periodic attempts at contact. But only if you can get detached enough, get your expectations so low, that this sort of thing won't hurt.

I see a theme!

Therein lies my problem. I sent out a message and I expected that it would be returned. Because someone who cares about me would return it, even just to acknowledge it. I am not sure I will ever totally get rid of the expectations completely. The large ones are gone but the small ones, like a reply or any acknowledgement, are going to be difficult.

Portia...what was said in the message? Can I ask?

MM (like the name change!), it was simply a message which acknowledged an accomplishment of his, a year later. No focus on "us"; no mention of something we did together.

You're doing the best you can for your relationship right now, and I'm proud of you for that.

Please don't blame yourself for loving him.

Awww, shucks, FY and Linda. Thank you. I didn't feel proud of me, I felt dumb. In the end though, whatever happens, I will be able to say that I tried for us - even trying to keep the friendship alive - but he chose not to do so.

Nero, you make me smile.

my h also said that- his brain does not go further than the next 15 minutes? wtf? nice life huh?

Yes, nice life. Like a fish in the bowl who can't remember one end of the tank to the other and so it is always new scenery for them! When this situation isn't giving me heart palpitations, it makes me laugh with the absurdity of it all!

I may not have been a great partner but I was a damn excellent Best Friend. And he still shot that away!

So, as Bea once said, I am in a strategic retreat. Taking time for me and enjoying my summer. No standing near the hot stove for me! Much nicer in the shade; I hear TVS is blending cocktails!

[nero]

hey portia -

you sound a bit perkier - yay.

[/quote] I am not sure I will ever totally get rid of the expectations completely. The large ones are gone but the small ones, like a reply or any acknowledgement, are going to be difficult.

ditto man... it's always surprising & alwasy hurts a bit.

[quote] I didn't feel proud of me, I felt dumb

i feel like this alot of the time- but then i remember - hey, i'm just a gal tryin to be nice & doin my best - wtf does the world want or expect anyway. i don't even care if i'm dopey or a jerk - (i can be a HUGE JERK) NO kidding - but - when the dust has settled - i will have nary a regret about not hanging on & trying this all. who does know what the future holds. if nothing else- we are standing up for ourselves- what we held dear & if they cannot even appreciate the fact of the breadth & depth of our commitment & L to do so-

well, i don't know. what we're doing - it says something important to us- about us. our opinion of self is the most important one - isn't it?

(now- wish i could make me laugh - feel cherished - and keep me warm on a cold nite) oh well- can't have it all can we?

When this situation isn't giving me heart palpitations, it makes me laugh with the absurdity of it all!

me too-

you know- your comment about "may not have been best partner" - i have something to say about that.

as i see it- i was not perfect mate in EVERY way either. neither was he- or you or your h - it isn't human to be perfect. HE PICKED YOU - the way you were- the person you were -

MY H PICKED ME- WHile it was good - it really was and we were fine with them as their partner. this business of now we have to feel guilt & wonder "what we did wrong". im thinking- we were managing to peacefully exist together and like it. nothing is heaven all the time...

they are the ones that decided to crank it up a notch and seek something "better" elsewhere. i am honest when i say i think it's about not us REALLY- IT'S maybe their notion that life is passing them by & maybe the grass REALLY is greener - they have no faith in us or them- they have no faith in their decision (that we're wonderful ) that a lifetime with us is as good as it gets ) - they are AAAAAFFFFRAID they're missing something (like a kid) -

that is all. this is not a blame fest- this is an observation about us being who we are/were and them freaking out and all of a sudden trying like mad men to FIND THAT SILVER BULLET to rectify whatever upset their applecart.

i could be a dope about this or maybe i'm not so far off the mark- it's sure nuts and i've laughed to friends a million time - the insanity. too bad it's so damn tragic too.

xxoo have a great day

[RosaLinda]

"I sent out a message and I expected that it would be returned. Because someone who cares about me would return it, even just to acknowledge it. I am not sure I will ever totally get rid of the expectations completely. The large ones are gone but the small ones, like a reply or any acknowledgement, are going to be difficult."

Looking at my own sitch Portia, I can see that most of my heartache has been caused by my own expectations (well except for the heartache caused by the mental picture of him boinking RT) that my H would act, if not like someone who cares about ME, at least like a normal caring human being. Even the boinking (I never heard that term before coming to this forum ) hurts because that is not how a normal caring human being acts when he's already in a relationship. 

But my dear friend, I truly believe that our partners' words and actions are not in the least indicitive of how they feel about US. Your SO claiming that you have just been living together as "friends" for almost 20 years is just so much barf, just typical MLC rewriting. 

""Yes, nice life. Like a fish in the bowl who can't remember one end of the tank to the other and so it is always new scenery for them! When this situation isn't giving me heart palpitations, it makes me laugh with the absurdity of it all!
I may not have been a great partner but I was a damn excellent Best Friend. And he still shot that away!"

The fish analogy made me laugh! You were more than an excellent best friend Portia. As Nero said, you were the one he chose. I think this is harder for you because you have no contact. Having to watch my H moon over his Tramp hurts, but I also get to see some good sane moments. You don't get to see good OR bad moments. We won't know the truth until he comes out of his MLC tunnel. That is when he'll look around, blink a bit from the bright light illuminating his actions, and say " oh crap I left my PRIZE Portia for this user OW who just wants a financial fallback in case she is not able to reconcile with her own H like she hopes. Why did I ever hook up with this loser?" 

You may or may not still want him at that point, but you know that it's inevitable Portia.