Hey Val! I am catching up on some of your recent posts and you sound great! All the hard work and introspection is really paying dividends. I hope you keep on keeping on!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Also checking in just to say hi. I know you are busy, so am I. I'd love to hear from you, so at least post soon ok?
(((((val))))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Irish Whiskey. I'm waiting until the right time to open it up.. like when I decide to finally move into a nicer apartment.
Things in life are moving along. Work has been busy. I'm thankful for that.
I haven't spoken to X since our meeting.. I'm thankful for that too. The turmoil in my heart has subsided there and the peace is just so amazing.
I still struggle with the negative effects from my marriage and divorce. Dating has proven to be difficult. I struggle with abandonment and insecurity issues. These cause me to want to flee any relationship that has a romantic twist or issue.
So I'm trying to stay present. It's a hard balance because I never want to feel that kind of pain again, but the risk is a MUST if you want an intimate relationship.
Therefore I'm working on guarding my heart by creating healthy boundaries. It's hard to do and it feels unloving, but I know that just goes with the territory of teaching an old dog new tricks.
I'm also trying to work through my triggers. Part of that is just allowing myself to be angry. I appreciate DB so much, but in alot of ways I spend so much time seeing the other person's perspective, I tend to not validate my own.
People do sh!tty things for unacceptable reasons... and that's okay to say that.
People do things that hurt me... and I don't have to be okay with that.
I see so many people turn their anger into actions they can't take back. I don't want that to be me.
But I've never been allowed to be angry... and that dates previous to my marriage.. when my dad walked out on us and I immediately went into anger management classes and was told to forgive him.
For most of the time I'm fine.. but I get emotionally exhausted from validating others and there always comes a time when something happens that reminds me of my X and I immediately get defensive and protect myself.
So I have no idea what a healthy anger looks like.
For the most part, people have been really gracious to that fact. But I've lost a few job opportunities this year. I've lost a few friendships this year.
That is where I am at 3 years after the BD. Am I a better person - absolutely.....
.. but there is so much growing I still need to do.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Been thinking about you lately. Especially when I see a sign in a town nearby with your name emblazoned across the front. VALESKA'S. Did you know the Slavic meaning of this name is Glorious Ruler?
Quote:
But I've never been allowed to be angry... and that dates previous to my marriage.. when my dad walked out on us and I immediately went into anger management classes and was told to forgive him.
For most of the time I'm fine.. but I get emotionally exhausted from validating others and there always comes a time when something happens that reminds me of my X and I immediately get defensive and protect myself.
So I have no idea what a healthy anger looks like.
Your post above ^^^ reminded me of a scene in a MOVIE that you might be familiar with.
Means nothing I suppose, but thought I'd share anyway.
Be well my friend!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Ahh Irish, savor it. I have a bottle of single malt aged in a Port wine cask I am currently savoring.
After we accept and forgive, then what? In my case I think the pendulum swung a little deeply in that direction, perhaps too deeply.
As a manager I need to hold people accountable and skills learned as a result of these experiences have improved how I do that. Still there are moments when I should assert myself more and those are pointed out from time to time.
Case in point, a few weeks ago my truck was loaded on a flatbed and driven home. When it arrived the tonneau cover was missing. It blew off on the highway when the airflow over the cab of the tow truck lifted the cover off the bed of my truck.
So the driver unloads my truck and I pointed out the missing tonneau cover. The driver apologizes and leaves. I didn’t tip him and accepted I would replace the cover. It was a five year old piece of vinyl; it was due for replacement in a year or so, no big deal. This was my path to acceptance.
Along comes DIL full of righteous indignation over the loss of the cover and insisting I should at least pursue remediation with the towing company. Rather vehemently in the manner of a Marine Corporal. Colorful language too, I could just hug her.
Sooo, I allowed myself to feel anger over the incompetence of the tow truck operator. When he loaded the truck I had expressed skepticism to him about its positioning on the flatbed and the stability of the load in general. He assured me he was a professional and had been to this rodeo before.
With that in mind a call was placed to the company seeking remediation. We kept it professional and positive. The upshot: They paid for the replacement at full value.
I called DIL the other day to let her know and to thank her for her encouragement. She’d still like to see the operator’s head displayed on a pike, but appreciated knowing the outcome and my acknowledgement of her participation.
Anger can be used to motive action. Controlling ourselves while angry, keeping actions positive and respectful yields better outcomes and looking back something I can live with.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Well it's the end of Christmasday and for the first time since BD, I have no tears. I thought of my X today because I know that this is her first holiday season without her Gram. I know it must be tough for her.....
... but I also acknowledge that she has people in her life now and I'm sure she has the support she needs.
She has moved on and I feel finally so have I.
2013 was interesting and good.. but I have a feeling 2014 will be much better.
Merry Christmas everyone!
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I was thinking about you today. It's been a while. I hope you are doing well! Your day after Christmas post above sounds strong and positive. Happy New Year!
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Hi val how are you? I hope 2014 brings you joy. Thank you for all that you have given me. Much love to you
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
