"If it all fell to pieces tomorrow, Would you still be mine?"
That's a very good question.
Heard this song in the car the other day, I've always really liked it.
I thought it is quite pertinent since I am being taken to my limit in a lot of things... Patience. Compassion. Humility. Perserverence. Unconditional love.
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Didn't sleep well last night, today was weighing heavy on my mind.
When I came downstairs this morning, H was out cold. The kids woke him up. He said he slept badly again, was up on/off throughout the night.
It was a busy morning, which was good, no time to dwell on anything.
He went upstairs to get his shower. A few minutes later, I heard him calling for me. He wanted to know if I would get his comb from the dresser, and then trim his hairline in the back. This is something I used to do for him all the time, but not since bomb.
Now I ask you this... If you had zero attraction to a person, would you ask them to touch you (even non-sexually) while you are standing in the shower naked and dripping wet?
Just sayin.
After he finished getting ready, he messed around with his suitcase for awhile. He had to keep weighing it and taking stuff out because he packed too much!
When it was time for him to go, he gave the boys lots of hugs and kisses goodbye, told them he loved them. Interestingly, he told them "daddy is going on a trip for a few days." Never said the words beach or golf.
As he was getting ready to leave, I decided to go for it. He had his coffee travel mug in one hand, so I had to be a little careful lol! I told him to have a good trip, and then hugged him. He hugged me back I did get the back pat/rub during his hug, but I didn't take that as a bad thing.
It was the first time my H and I have hugged in well over a year. I hoped for the best (a hug back) but mentally tried to prepare for the worst (total diss).
Afterwards, he didn't seem strange. He seemed happy.
Twice as he was pulling away, he stopped to beep and wave at me. It was just me, the kids were still upstairs.
I feel 100% sure I did the right thing.
Oddly, I don't feel sad tonight, I feel happy. I'm sure my emotions will be up and down over the next several days, but for now, I feel at peace.
I let him go. And I said goodbye to him today without any anger or resentment in my heart.
He told me years ago when I went to the beach with my x, "I hope you find what you are looking for." I did.
I truly do hope he finds what he is looking for. ~~~~~~~~~~~
Had an awesome time this evening with my SIL and the kids. We took them to see "Monsters University". It was very funny!
SIL didn't ask/say anything about H. I wonder if she is a little miffed. She said that they met BIL for swimming/dinner yesterday. H was still here yesterday, so I found it interesting that he wasn't invited. (Unless he was, but didn't tell me).
He is going to miss out on a lot during this trip.
As he was leaving, he said he will call to check in. We will see.
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I wanted to thank EVERYONE for their support. Every kind and encouraging comment motivated me just a little bit more, and reminded me that I'm not alone. Maybe lonely sometimes, but never alone.
I read your posts over and over last night and this morning. I am blessed to have so many caring people looking out for me, thinking about me, helping me each and everyday.
Love you guys - big hugs from me tonight xoxoxo
Onward and upward, everyone
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
What an encouraging, positive post, Tvs. I'm so glad you had the opportunity for the hug and a warm goodbye. Sounds like your H was not distant but engaged in the moment. It's a good pic in his mind for him to leave with.
It's ironic that your H, my H and Mtnman's W are all taking this weekend to play. My PMA has a way of fizzling at night and as the days wear on, but we can keep each other strong, right?
I'm so glad you have H's family in town to do fun things with.
I had to shave my H's back of neck also, lol!!
Keep up the positive outlook and peaceful heart.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
I also think you made the right choice (hug). Glad you felt at peace with your decision. I just noticed something that your post kind of sparked in my mind. When my wife goes out of town, she's called everyday to check in. I was always prepared to NOT here from her thou. So I wouldn't read to much into it either way. Keep yourself busy, and the time will fly by faster.
My wife will be on "trips" for 10 of the next 14 days. Hell wheres this party at, and how come we weren't all invited?
PMA is always hardest for me in the evenings, im tired from work, come home now and clean, make dinner, etc. So maybe all our spouses being out of town will give us a nice mental break from keeping up with the Jones'.
I'm doing okay my friend. Not great, not terrible.
Finding myself letting my mind wander, and then reeling it back in.
Mad at myself because H has not had any contact, and I know my disappointment is my own fault for having any expectations. I realize that sometimes I have expectations and don't even realize it.
But maybe it's good that he hasn't contacted me. It has set the tone now, made it easier for me to expect nothing.
I was reading through my journal from this time last year. H was really off his rocker, had the alien persona going at full speed. I marvel that I made it through that tough time, don't know if I could do THAT again.
Yet, it baffles me that he is seemingly more normal than ever, yet off on vacation with FT.
My wonderful SIL volunteered to watch the kids so I could go to yoga tonight. She surprised me by bringing it up. I tried to swing it that she could come with me, but don't think the grandparents were too crazy about watching all the kids lol!!!!
Then, my nephew (who is close in age to S5), will spend the night tonight. S5 is super excited!
So, some fun things this evening to take my mind off of H. I even organized a drawer too - I know what you're thinking - tone it down TVS, you are getting too crazy lol!!!
Thanks for checking in on me
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
The OW/OM are extremely flawed individuals. They have many issues as well. Some identical to the ML'er which helps create the "connection" so many Ml'ers claim they are missing with their LBS. Ml'ers choose someone who is safe. They choose someone who will not outshine them or pose a threat. The OW/OM is usually a very insecure, fragile individual who needs to be taken care of in some way, shape or form. In many cases, the ML'er tries to create in the OW/OM a version of their LBS. Some encourage them to dress and act like the LBS. They will often take them to the same places as they did the LBS. Being of weak character and integrity, the OW/OM allows this and goes along for the ride. Many are in it for the financial and social status benefits that the ML'er brings to the table. The ML'er is usually not looking at finding someone better than their LBS. They want to find someone that they can feel superior to which will help nurture their bruised egos.
Hey Tvs,
What a weekend for us, huh?
I read the above today on MLC signs and thought about you. And your H wanting the OW to dress like you. And that your H is so good-looking that it brings her status up (in her mind only). And all the rest.
I'm so sorry.
I think I could handle the alcohol more than a specific OW. I remember my H saying he wasn't interested in any one woman, but all women. And now he is in N.O. He will see some things down there and he won't always know what he is looking at. Lol!
Did your H bring lotion? It makes me angry at this OW and I don't even know her. I hope that's okay to say here. I try not to think about her b/c it makes me mad at her.
The sleepover for S5 will be so fun! And yoga will be good for you.
So glad there are some good activities for you this weekend. I can't wait for this whole nightmare to be over. Really over.
And for the "and for the next 30 years of their M he adored her and was sorry for his behavior" part!!!
Stay strong, keep posting! rH
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Glad you are somewhat ok, T. You know, I didnt expect him to contact you. I think that is way to uncomfortable for him because on some level he knows this is wrong. And I dont think he could handle hearing about what you are all doing. Easier for him to keep it compartmentalized.
Yet, it baffles me that he is seemingly more normal than ever, yet off on vacation with FT.
He isnt completely through the tunnel, T. and so he has to let this play out. He also has to be ready to admit he was wrong and that there is something wrong with him. I dont think he is there yet, either. Getting there, though. But I understand what you feel. Like what the heck, he seems like my h, but.....
My wonderful SIL volunteered to watch the kids so I could go to yoga tonight.
That was so nice. I am glad. I think you need it.
Then, my nephew (who is close in age to S5), will spend the night tonight. S5 is super excited!
Aww, good for him. Memory making.
So, some fun things this evening to take my mind off of H. I even organized a drawer too - I know what you're thinking - tone it down TVS, you are getting too crazy lol!!!
See, now I dont even have to write to you. You know what I am going to say - LOL!
rH ~ you know what is weird? I saw you had posted on that thread, and reread that exact section earlier today.
It's all so true. I know she's not better than me, which is comforting on one level. I mean if he was hooking up with Angelina Jolie, I might understand lol! But OTOH, she is trash that dragged him right down in the gutter with her. It makes my stomach turn.
Feel free to be angry at her all you want! To know her is to be disgusted by her.
Yeah, I'm ready for the "His eyes opened up and he remembered that he had a beautiful, awesome wife and loved her for the rest of their days".
Something like that. Maybe someday.
Love all the activities planned with S13 - hope you had a great evening today!
UW ~ I think he more than knows this is wrong.
And as far as admitting there is something wrong with him, well, he has already admitted there is something wrong with him. Not that he's doing anything to fix it. I feel like there is such a complicated web of deceit that has been spun with H and OW. Not only would he have to admit HE was wrong, but he would have to admit that this messed up crazy woman he put on a pedestal and almost threw away everything for really f-ed me over too.
Wow. That's a TALL order.
I always look forward to hearing from you, I trust in what you have to say so much. Sometimes I feel like I'm in the thick of things and can't see everything accurately. Thanks for steering me straight!
Caigy ~ hi, good to hear from you! I think the same thing... He mustn't be too repulsed by me if he's always seeking my physical attention. And naked to boot!
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Soooo....
H called late this afternoon. Sounded happy. Said he is having a good time. Very chatty, giving me lots of details about his vacation so far. But as I've learned in the past, chatty can often mean guilt!
He wanted to talk to both boys. Asked me a lot of questions about how they've been, what we've been up to. Said he would call again tomorrow.
I've learned my lesson - no expectations!
Yoga was phenomenal tonight, sweated my a$$ off. Very glad I went.
Checked bank account, and as promised, there was a check from our employer deposited today to cover his vacation expenses.
Right now, I'm hanging with two little boys watching "Wreck-it-Ralph". Then we're making indoor s'mores then hopefully bed - it's already WAY past their bedtime!
Wish me luck!
Good night everyone
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
TV, I do hope that you and your little ones have a wonderful weekend. Sounds like you've got some plans in place already.
As for your h, I'm glad he phoned and you are correct...when they are chatty, they are nervous and feel guilty about something...they always tell on themselves.
Keep your expectations at zero. I know you get tired of hearing me say it, but I also want to make sure you have that shovel ready to dig deeper for patience. LOL!
Remember...you are the prize and you do not need luck. He would be a fool to walk away from all that you stand for.
Hang in there.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I did get the back pat/rub during his hug, but I didn't take that as a bad thing. 
