What do I do?

[sthelen]

Sometimes I honestly feel like I'm going insane. I'd love some feedback.

My husband and I have been together 15 years, married 11 years, we have 3 kids. I thought everything was going fine...

I think he's having a mid-life crisis. New clothes, longer hair, concern about his appearance, sports car...and now this.

In January there was one day where he said we have grown apart and have nothing in common and need counseling. The next day he woke up and said never mind, we're fine. I believed him because I honestly thought we were fine all along, canceled the therapy appointment.

March comes along and Easter weekend he says it all again. Only this time it's pretty obvious he's not getting over it. I make a counseling appointment and we go twice. He says he hasn't been happy for a year and doesn't think he wants to be married anymore...but he doesn't know why. Counselor suggests we stop couple's counseling since he doesn't even know if he wants to be married (ugh!).

He moves out April 23. Somewhere in here he asks to come home, says I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him, he's never been more sure of anything in his life. 5 days later he says he wants a divorce because he's not feeling it. Files for a divorce May 29.

It's all very sudden and abrupt and totally out of left field for me. And I still feel like he's really confused.

So, here we are. Since the day he filed he has started making comments here and there about working this out...but won't commit to actually doing anything and still says he doesn't know what the problem is and he just feels like he doesn't want to be married. He is in individual counseling so there's that.

He calls almost daily, still says he loves me, he's attracted to me, he really hopes I don't find somebody else and move on before he figures this out, he's in no hurry to push this divorce along, he appreciates my patience, etc... But he still says he doesn't want to be married and doesn't know why. WHAT THE?

I am totally getting a life. I've started going to 2 different support groups, running with neighbors, hanging out with friends again, going to church, had a spray tan, laser hair removal...all sorts of new stuff.

I'm trying to disconnect...not initiate contact, I never call. I do still email or text...I'm trying not to though. But he calls almost every day and I answer. It doesn't feel right not to, and quite frankly he gets grumpy if I don't. I don't want to play games. And he's the one initiating the relationship talks almost every time he calls...he wants to know what I'm thinking, if I'm getting fed up and moving on, etc... Sometimes I wonder if he wants me to get fed up and move on to save him the guilt of making the decision. I don't know. Ideas?

[AnotherStander]

Wow, well he is swinging wildly from one extreme to the other. I'm no MLC expert but it sure sounds like he's entering MLC. Unfortunately that could mean many, many years of this are ahead of you. Take a deep breath and prepare for the long haul!

I am totally getting a life. I've started going to 2 different support groups, running with neighbors, hanging out with friends again, going to church, had a spray tan, laser hair removal...all sorts of new stuff.

All great stuff, keep it up!

But he calls almost every day and I answer. It doesn't feel right not to, and quite frankly he gets grumpy if I don't.

Let him get grumpy. Quit being his doormat. Don't be immediately available to him at all hours. When he calls, then sometimes pick up right away and sometimes let it go to voicemail. Call him back a couple of hours later. Be mysterious! Make him wonder what you're up to!

And he's the one initiating the relationship talks almost every time he calls...he wants to know what I'm thinking, if I'm getting fed up and moving on, etc..

I wouldn't tell him what you're thinking. It's OK to listen and validate if he tells you his feelings, but don't share yours. Try to steer it back to what HE is feeling.

Sometimes I wonder if he wants me to get fed up and move on to save him the guilt of making the decision.

It's quite possible. WAS's are never sure about their decisions (even though they may act like it) and sometimes try to force the LBS into making their decisions for them. Don't take the bait!

[sthelen]

Thank you.

I'm really proud of myself. He came over yesterday to pick up the kids, their first time at his apartment.

He made two comments about coming home while he was here and I totally kept my cool and smiled through them like I didn't even notice.

I was upbeat and happy, didn't mention the relationship.

And when he asked if I was going to be OK when he took the kids (I told him a few weeks ago when I was still breaking the rules that it was going to be really difficult the first time he took the kids) I said yep, I'm going to church and to dinner with a friend, I'll be fine. *grin* And I was. It was actually a nice break.

You're not the first person to call me a doormat.

I've got a couple midlife crisis books on reserve at the library.

[sthelen]

I was so proud of myself and felt so positive after our interactions on Sunday.

Now I'm just defeated and crying and wondering why I'm trying so hard to be with a man that obviously doesn't want to be with me.

I saw him briefly today. No comments about coming home or working this out. He seemed to be leaning the other way, actually. He made a comment about after the divorce is final and it knocked the wind out of my sails.

Who is this man and what has he done with my loving husband? Also he mentioned life being more complicated now than it used to be...I said you have the same wife, same kids...nothing has changed but his job (I think this is a big contributor to where we are). He said, yeah, and me (himself)... That just makes it sound so much more permanent and hopeless. Finding a new job would be an easy fix.

I need to finish reading DR. It's so hard with all the kids home for summer though. He has only taken them for one 5 hour visit since he moved out in April. I'm pulling my hair out single parenting while dealing with my own heartbreak.

[sthelen]

He has spent thousands furnishing his new apartment and every penny he spends makes it seem that much more permanent.

I have to step away from the bank account and finish reading my DR.

[sthelen]

I am having to sit on my hands to avoid emailing him. He is going to IC with the worst therapist I have ever met. I want to ask him to consider seeing someone else. After reading the "well meaning therapist" section in DR I just wanted to cry. I feel totally doomed if he keeps seeing her. She is divorced and has children and totally thinks kids are resilient and it's no big deal. She doesn't realize or care what's at stake here. Of course she's not going to encourage him to find happiness while staying married...that might be like admitting she messed up. She has told him to focus on himself and everything else will fall into place. It just sounds so passive and "I don't care" about the marriage. When he has already moved out of the house and filed for a divorce...I can tell you where his marriage is falling if he doesn't get his head out of his a$$ and realize what he's about to lose. If we don't start working on this marriage we are going to get divorced, period. It will be final in 5-11 months...he put an expiration date on us!

[Thumpered]

Omg Sthelen, my wifes counselor is saying the same things. "sounds like your unhappy, find yourself, and move on from a dysfunctional marriage. Go out have fun, do what you want, this is all about you. Your kids are will be fine with it over time, kids are resilient."

I was shocked to say the least, this was a marriage and family therapist???

Theres nothing you can do, but give it time and space, and take care of yourself. Once our spouses got the validation from a therapist, the switch flipped to full on.

Hang in there, its a long roller coaster ride, but you need to act like your standing in the hot dog line instead. I know its tough, but its early in the game. Don't read to much into things he's saying or doing.

I think the saying is believe none of what he says, and half of what he does. Sounds like your doing good, much better than I did at first, im just starting to get it down, its such a fine line.

[sthelen]

No, I'm not doing well at all. I'm crying every day. I just don't understand how he could do this to me. To us. Because if I'm being honest he isn't seeing the kids much either.

Every interaction with him leaves me in tears. I just want to stop talking to him. Be done. This is not the man I married.

I don't deserve this pain. I can not do this for years.

Why is he so freaked out about me meeting someone else? Is he hoping I will? It's like he's trying to give me that idea.

[sthelen]

3 months ago today he dropped the bomb

I'm dreading the 4th. Last year we were in Hawaii together on the 4th.

[chasingpavements]

Hi sthelen.. hang in there, you can do it! I know it feels so hard sometimes. I find that I will have good days and bad days. Knowing that there will be more good days gives me hope. I know it is hard, but try to stay positive and focus on yourself, and doing nice things for you and your children.

I have only been doing the DB'ing for about a month, but what I find works best, is to try to not take what my H is saying personally, just shrug it off, and just realize that they are going through something on their own, and try to not get dragged down by what he is saying. I recommend you read Divorce Remedy as soon as possible. I found it really helpful, it truly covers everything. Also, it will help you come up with goals to work toward, and 180s.