Need to start a new thread because things have changed. I am feeling much more centered and calm. My last thread was familiar
The change really started this past Saturday night when I went contra-dancing with a girl friend. I had a wonderful time and was appreciated (in a very nice way) by A LOT of men. When I got home my dear H who made it oh so clear that he was exhausted, rose to the occasion ! It was a hard job but somebody had to do it ! I think that he figured out that if he didn't help me get out of being so depressed, we weren't going to be ready for his big office party at our house and he knows that sex makes me happy ! However, I know I'm back on track because I was amused not hurt. We've been getting along well (we've even been joking around a lot) ever since AND I have gotten more done on that party!
Also I heard back from a potential employer for a job I think I'd like. This would be a big potentially postive development. I'll know in about 2 weeks if I get the job.
So I'm going to be on this even keeled attitude like spots on dice and learn everything I can about preserving it. Will be checking in now and again I'm sure.
I'll offer a little different tact. Forget the hard work. Focus on finding a way to relax and have some fun. It does not always need to include H. Really, it's OK to do stuff alone without guilt.
I'm not all together sure why things are going so well...sure don't want to overanalyze...maybe it's partly because I've been stating how I feel about this or that and then just letting it go instead of my usual responding to each of h's twitches when what I've said doesn't completely agree with him???? Yeah, that might have something to do with it
He is rightly very proud of a sound system he rigged up in our house that lets us listen to internet radio. Sat night, after spending quality time with friends, we listened to a show we listened to while courting and they played a special song. Not only did we have a very loving evening but the next day he wrote the host of the show a letter of appreciation and talked about us. These are the healing moments that really can make all the rotten stuff go away. Sometimes in my way, way, overanalizing mind, I don't always trust what my h says to me because I know how much he loves peace and I think he is just trying to placate me but when he says something to someone else, I realize that he didn't have to do that to win peace at home and that maybe the guy really does love me, fat, tears, overactive mind and all. I definitely love him (and he ain't perfect either). So this something to be sure and remember, calmly, for a more challenging day and to cherish always.
Happy to report that we are doing well. Made it through the office party (at our house) managing our conflict well. I know that one big thing that helped is that I've accepted that my h is just not the direct type. He will be helping me with something and then just disappear in the house for an hour or two. Usually I get unhappy about that, not because he's not helping although I admit that would be nice, but because if I were him I'd say, I need to rest, see you later. It's the sneakiness of disappearing when one has made a commitment to do something that gets to me. But not this time. I didn't skip a beat. I was working and singing and refused to allow any internal grumbling. It was so interesting. After a long while he reappeared like a curious cat. It was absolutely cute!
The one minor melt down I had (hey, everybody's life has those) was short lived, I saw what would have been better to do, said so and it was over.
My h complimented me very sweetly in front of the guest of honor and his wife. They are very fit and beauty conscious and have given me disapproving looks about my weight gain. Although I want to loose weight and empathetically wish that for anyone who is overweight, I believe that weightism/sizism is wrong (boy would it take me a long time to write out the explanation for that!). So now although I still like aspects of this couple, I don't feel accepted by them and even when I loose this weight I will not choose them for dearest friends. Perhaps that is part of why I am carrying this weight around--to use my body as a barometer. There has got to be a better way and I am going to find it. Think I'll go looking at the gym .
Any way, it meant a lot to me that my h showed that he loved me in front of this couple. I think I'm learning that love makes it's own way and I have to cooperate. I have learned that many times and undoubtedly will keep doing so. Just hope it keeps sinking in deeper.
2Learn, I've been reading some of your old threads, and I see you have been on a very long ride. I am having trouble figuring out some of the facts though. Like R with OW, was there a physical separation between you and H, things like that.
Would you mind doing a quick recap for me? Thanks!
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
Thanks for your interest. I'll try to fill in some of the blanks from the previous posts. I found out about the affair on my birthday right after we had moved my h to a new job about a thousand miles away from where we were living. He had ended the physical part a couple of months earlier. We were sharing an internet server and I read his mail. I thought I might find that he was mildly complaining about me probably to a friend that lived far away and never dreamed that he had been having an affair for 4 1/2 years. It was the biggest shock of my life. I was not with him because I was trying to sell our house. All that night I tried to figure out what would be the best thing to do. I decided to confront him unexpectedly by calling him at 4:30 in the morning. I didn't tell him how I knew but gave him enough info so he could tell I really did know.
He wrote her a no-communication ever again letter immediately and said he wanted our marriage. It took me a couple of weeks to decide that I wanted to try to save our marriage but it was tough because I felt like I couldn't trust my perceptions of him. I was so utterly decieved. We wrote a lot of very soulful letters and had many soulful phone conversations.
Because I was trying to sell the house and am very attached to my daughter and granddaughter that I was having to leave to once again follow this man to a far away unknown place, we had plenty of time apart. I have been more debilitated by abuses in my life so I am thankful that even though I didn't know it was possible to hurt like this it didn't incapacitate me as much as those two other times. The reason is that when I know the truth about what is going on I can handle it much better. Betrayals of trust that I can't figure out and being alone in that confusion really does me in.
What a ramble this has become! Anyway, my h said he never stopped loving me and even though he thought he was also in love with the OW he figured out after 2 years that he didn't want to be with her long term. I am very thankful that I was spared knowing about an active affair because I don't know if I could be strong enough to hang in there through that. My hat is off to all who have managed that one. However, I spared myself no detail of knowing what I was forgiving. I had a fear that she would someday tell me those details and I wanted to be as prepared as possible. I certainly am not reccommending this but it was how I healed and I can't go back and see if it would have been better to do it another way.
It's been almost 4 years. I'd say we're about 65% healed and I think that is fabulous. I think we might get to about 90%. I don't think it would be realistic to think we will ever completely heal like many people say here, there will be scar tissue. Even though we still have healing ahead we are on track and hopefully will stay so, at least more or less. That last upset when I suspected I had an std (it was understandable that I thought what I did but thankfully I was wrong) even blew over pretty quickly. For some of us it just takes a very long time to heal.
I think it would be fair to say that we have both become better people and I know we both feel very grateful for our progress. We are more calm, laugh more, my h lets me hug him more and will even be afectionate himself once in a while!
Don't know if that answers the question but it was therapeutic to write it out of my system again. I am so pleased that the past feels removed from me now. There were so many days when I couldn't imagine I'd ever get to this point.
2L, Yes. I am under the Separated Forum. My recaps are pretty long, because I like to journal all the details. I think if you click on the link at the beginning of my thread, you will find a recap at the front of my last thread. I only do them every month because of the time it takes.
Were you and your H ever physically separated because of the A? Or just because of the move.
Thanks for the recap. It helps to read some of the success stories, looking for hope.
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
! It was a hard job but somebody had to do it 
! However, I know I'm back on track because I was amused not hurt. We've been getting along well (we've even been joking around a lot) ever since AND I have gotten more done on that party!
