Moving forward together from a mess

[cbtdad]

Here is the link to my latest thread on new comers board:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2354467#Post2354467

Here is the last thing I posted on that thread which is when I got advice to post on this forum:

Ok. My mind is spinning so I'm coming on here to get my thoughts out. Thank goodness we have an appointment with MC in the morning.
Yesterday I started having a lot of anxiety about all of this stuff. Am I really doing the right thing? Can this really work? Can I really trust her again? Will she ever change? Does she make me a better person? And on and on and on.
My head seems to be spinning since yesterday afternoon and it still is.
Couple nights ago wife said she was depressed all of a sudden. I now know why. She looked at OM other girl FB profile and saw pictures of them together over the weekend. She said she talked to MC about this yesterday in her individual appointment. It is still bothering her and she is still getting over him.
This is getting to me. Couple that with the fact that she doesn't want to have sex, which is making me feel unwanted, and I am losing patience.
The fact that I know how much passion and sex was going on over the past several months and doesn't want to have sex with me hurts me. Not going to lie.
This is so hard. I also just feel like she is just going through the motions with me, but when she is texting her horse people its all smiles and happiness.
I am also begining to feel like I'm becoming my old self again and I do not like it.
So when you put all of this together I feel like I'm making the wrong choice. I feel like my wife will never become what I'm looking for in a marriage. I feel like I should end things while we can still be good friends and great coparents. But then I feel like that's unfair to my son not to give it all we have to make it work.
I am so confused with my emotions right now. Just wanted to get it all out here.

[~ kd ~]

There is no Hollywood make up stories... for real...

Your W will need what ever time it takes her to get over the A. She will go through her own grieving process. If you push her, it will only backfire.

Did you both speak with each other and commit to working on the M? If so, this isn't something that either of you two should take lightly or do half heartedly.

Unfortunately she is not here on this board and you can not force her to be committed to rebuilding the M. This remains your work.

How have you grown during your DB process? How have those things been in things that you feel your W had valid complaints?

Why do you think she's decided to work on the M?

It's my best guess that piecing is harder because it means both parties actually need to address the real, underlying issues.

Why do you want to remain M to your W?

[cbtdad]

I certainly do not want to push her or rush her and have it backfire.
We have sat down and discussed things and she is committed to working on marriage and making it work. We are currently in MC and we are very fortunate to have a great pro marriage solutions oriented counselor.
Her main complaints were that I wasn't emotionally there for her, bad father and didn't financially support like a husband and father should.
She said in MC that she has seen a big turnaround and that got her doubting divorce a few months ago. That's about when we started gettin along a lot better.
I want to remain in the marriage because of the six years married so far only 1 year want great. The other 5 were happy. I also still love my wife and know who she can be. We also have a wonderful son that I think deserves us trying everything possible

[~ kd ~]

So what things would you need to see from your W to know she is working on the M?

What more can you do to work on yourself and the M?

You indicate in your first post here that you fear you are becoming your old self again, in the M. How is that?

What are her and your LLs?

I get that your head is spinning and it's obvious in your posts. The first you say that you might be making the wrong choice to stay, yet you just state that you are sure that you still love your W and have plenty of reasons to try to work things out.

How many sessions have you been with MC and what is your most recent homework?

Also, try to be specific rather than general in answering, what do you really fear about R?

[cbtdad]

So what things would you need to see from your W to know she is working on the M?

I would like her to continue to see MC individually also. For her to start coming to church with me. Putting family things first before horse events.

What more can you do to work on yourself and the M?

I can continue to work on my relationship with Christ. Take more time and spend with son. Talk to wife in soothing words. Work my hardest each and everyday in my career. Eat better and work out

You indicate in your first post here that you fear you are becoming your old self again, in the M. How is that?

I have seen a couple of instances where i lose my cool. I have lot of suprressed anger from all of this and it has come out a couple of times. I also have not been spending the same amount of time with friends and seem to want to be around W constantly

What are her and your LLs?

Her LL is Acts of service. My LL is physical touch
Physical touch is something she is not natural at. She has never been a touchy feely person
I get that your head is spinning and it's obvious in your posts. The first you say that you might be making the wrong choice to stay, yet you just state that you are sure that you still love your W and have plenty of reasons to try to work things out.

How many sessions have you been with MC and what is your most recent homework?

We have only been to one session last week with MC. She saw her individually Tuesday and we are actually going to her this morning. So no assignments yet. This is all so new, we started working on this a few weeks ago

Also, try to be specific rather than general in answering, what do you really fear about R?

What I fear most is us not putting in the "real" work. Not building a solid foundation and going through something like this again. I worry we might get comfortable with each other and forget what painful experiences we both went through

[cbtdad]

I so failed at changing the color of my text, but my answers are in there:)

[~ kd ~]

I think I can forgive the missing colours.

OK, so the two of you are just beginning this new journey. It sounds like while you both state you wish to work on the M, that the work hasn't really begun, yet.

So rather than fear what MIGHT happen, consider this the acid test. If your M is to succeed, this is where it begins. Your practice and effort, just like all the DBing you've done to date, needs to be real and permanent.

Nothing that YOU do should be done as a ploy or concession as a "one off". No "half in" type of stuff.

Sure, it's scary to be that vulnerable. The payoff though... can not be put into words. And if it doesn't work out, it certainly can't hurt any worse than it did at BD. In fact, you have the tools now to work through that, if things DON'T work out.

So... if you were brutally honest... do you fear that YOU won't put in 100%? Or do you fear SHE won't put in 100%?

[cbtdad]

Being brutally honest, I'm worried that we both wont give 100%
I know that's what it's going to take not only to get us back on track, but to keep us there. Marriage is work and you have to work on it everyday. I now understand this better. We had a great MC appt today. Definitely put things in perspective a little better. My wife was running 5 mins late so C and I had I chance to talk and she told me not to worry that this is really what W wants, but that she is jut grieving over what she thought was real even though it was all lies. She said God is definitely teaching me patience through this. But to remember that OM was symptom not the problem. He was a bandaid. I that I need to remember how we got to this point as well. Not that it excuses her for we choices, but to remember what i put W through for a year.
She said this is really tough timing for both of us. We both want things to work, but I get upset becuase i feel all in and since W is still grieving I don't have her full heart yet and it scares me. Lots of good stuff today.
First assignment was given today. It was a worksheet for us to discuss the 5 LL's

[MrBond]

"Being brutally honest, I'm worried that we both wont give 100%"

So why are you trying to save your M?

"Marriage is work and you have to work on it everyday."

No it's not. It's not "work". It's the thought of making your spouse happy on both sides. The minute you think of it as "work" it's a major turnoff for yourself and your spouse.

"First assignment was given today. It was a worksheet for us to discuss the 5 LL's"

Nice place to start.

[cbtdad]

Trying to save it and going to give it everything we have. We both agree that no matter how tough things get we need to be all in.
Easy to say that now, doesn't mean it doesn't scare me as KD asked.
"Work" was a bad choice of words. I meant it takes effort. Can't sit around and jut like just becuase you're married it's going to work. You need to put effort into making your spouse happy each and every day or at least trying to get to do your best each day