New and need encouragement

[Not Quitting]

It's almost scary just how many of us are in similar sitches. Your own small world seems to be ticking along perfectly, with no issues, and you feel alone in your sitch. Find a forum like this and you quickly realize that you are by no means alone.

I hate being separated from H but I know that he needs the time away. Saw something on Facebook recently that pretty well covers the whole giving them the time and space they need - "Make someone appreciate your presence by your absence". That kinda says it all.

I agree about your comment "And sometimes we will communicate effortlessly, with no tension, and it feels like old times again. I think that is what is giving me hope." I definitely feel that way. I've still got a long way to go, but at the same time I've already come a long way. Baby steps and one day at a time. And on the bad days, I keep reminding myself that my S13 needs me to strong and happy.

[JaxFL14]

Oh so how long was your H gone before he said he wanted to work on the marriage? And when he left did he say he wanted a divorce or was it just a trial from the get go?

[chasingpavements]

The forum has helped me a lot! And if you are getting frustrated just vent on here!

It is very hard being separated, such a strange feeling. I keep wondering why all of this is happening, etc. Just think of all of the work that we are putting in right now, reading books, DB'ing, trying to improve our self and our relationships. In the end we will be so much stronger of a person after having done all of these things.

Baby steps and one day at a time is best! It's hard for me because I feel like I want a quick, easy answer, which obviously isn't going to happen. You are right that our children need us. I am so thankful for my 3 little ones, I am definitely staying strong for them. And seeing their smiling, laughing faces every day is keeping me happy.

I say go for the new haircut... also adds to the 'mystery', which he may find intriguing!

[Not Quitting]

Oh so how long was your H gone before he said he wanted to work on the marriage? And when he left did he say he wanted a divorce or was it just a trial from the get go?

It was probably 6 months after BD. He said divorce initially but never did anything and threatened to move out several times. Separation is "just temporary" to use the words he used when telling S13. We're now 7 months since BD and 1 month since he moved out. We have good days and bad days but for the first 2-3 months it was mostly bad. Anything is an improvement. I've seen it on here several times that if the lips are moving he's lying so I'm trying not to read anything it but it's hard not to see the smallest thing as positive. I'm just learning to be ready for the next let down or backslide.

Like the vets say this is a marathon not a sprint

Stay strong, keep up with GAL and try to maintain PMA. That's all we can do

[Not Quitting]

The forum has helped me a lot! And if you are getting frustrated just vent on here!

It is very hard being separated, such a strange feeling. I keep wondering why all of this is happening, etc. Just think of all of the work that we are putting in right now, reading books, DB'ing, trying to improve our self and our relationships. In the end we will be so much stronger of a person after having done all of these things.

Baby steps and one day at a time is best! It's hard for me because I feel like I want a quick, easy answer, which obviously isn't going to happen. You are right that our children need us. I am so thankful for my 3 little ones, I am definitely staying strong for them. And seeing their smiling, laughing faces every day is keeping me happy.

I say go for the new haircut... also adds to the 'mystery', which he may find intriguing!

Definitely venting in here from time to time. Helps that it's anonymous as well and we're all in the same boat. Quick would be my preference as well but that is not to be unfortunately.

Haircut it is. May wait til son is home so it's not too much of a shock to him LOL.

[JaxFL14]

It does give me a little hope that your H didn't say he wanted to work on the marriage until 6 months after BD. my W only stayed in the house 30 days after BD and has lived away for 3 months so I'm only 4 months in so far. When I read threads with people well over a year I get discouraged big time. I truly don't know how they can hold on so long or that the spouse has not filed for divorce themselves after so long.
So it seems like the month that he has been gone has affected him. Is he renting or staying with friends?

[Not Quitting]

It does give me a little hope that your H didn't say he wanted to work on the marriage until 6 months after BD. my W only stayed in the house 30 days after BD and has lived away for 3 months so I'm only 4 months in so far. When I read threads with people well over a year I get discouraged big time. I truly don't know how they can hold on so long or that the spouse has not filed for divorce themselves after so long.
So it seems like the month that he has been gone has affected him. Is he renting or staying with friends?

He's renting the spare room from friends. There are a few good things about his choice of living space. The friends are an older couple, stable, long term marriage, with old school belief that he should be trying to fix things not just throw away 16 yrs of marriage. He considers them surrogate parents and has a great deal of respect for them. He's not allowed to misbehave under their roof - no friends, and they're monitoring his drinking (without nagging). The wife has talked to me about our problems so she's actually heard both sides and she's supportive of my desire to save the marriage. She also thinks its MLC and went through her H's MLC and survived. Hopefully her experience will help get us through this. She says she's been subtly giving him advice, worded in such a way that he doesn't see it as nagging or demanding.

I'm really hoping that the separation will make him realize what he'd be giving up. I do know he does miss spending more time with S13 - he's told me that but he still needs to let S13 know that as well.

I know what you mean about reading threads of those well over a year. I hope I don't have to but I would still do it if I thought I had any chance of H coming back. He never made any effort with XW1 or XW2, so I take that as a good thing as well. With both of them he filed on grounds of adultery and was divorced within months, no looking back. Guess it says something that he says now he doesn't want to throw away 16 years.

Don't give up on your W yet. It was a bit of a surprise when H first said he wasn't done with our M yet - I had almost come to believe I was definitely about to become a divorced single mom. I try to look for even the smallest positive and overlook the negatives - doesn't always work but I try. I haven't read your thread yet but I will.

[Not Quitting]

OMG I hate this rollercoaster.

Why would someone who doesn't know if he wants to stay married to me want me to become his business partner? Why would he want to keep our original will and have our ashes co-mingled after death. Really?? He doesn't know if he wants to be married to me and grow old with me, but he knows that he wants to run a business together and spend eternity with me after death???

He's planning (once again) to start up his own business. He approached me about being a partner because to quote him "no matter what happens between us he still trusts my business judgement and abilities". Go figure. And then he starts on about the will, and how, if we stay separated, we would only need to change the inheritance part of our will so that S13 inherits everything from which ever of us passes first, but he doesn't want to change the co-mingled ashes part.

Obviously his mind is running circles again. And the previous time we spoke he was lucid, making and holding eye contact, and much more like his old self. Actually he still sounded like his old self this time, but there was some distance there again - he wouldn't (or couldn't) hold eye contact for long, kept looking away like he didn't want me to see anything there. I used to be able to read him through his eyes and he knows that.

I haven't given him an answer to either statement. Just said I'd need some time to consider things. That it wasn't a decision either of us should rush into. He acknowledged but kept saying he knows the business would be a good opportunity as he's already got some potential clients if he can get it up and running. He said he's already looking into tax implications for both of us as well, and he's got some staffing interest as well.

[Not Quitting]

Just realized that it's nearly the end of the working day and I've got to go home. To what? My H has moved out and my son is away. Boy did I lose it and have to race into the ladies before my co-workers saw me.

Hmmm, maybe now is the time for some GALing. Maybe I should phone a friend or two, see if they want to catch a movie or go for a quick drink. Maybe I'll just hop in the car tomorrow and see where the road takes me, or grab my camera and a decent pair of walking shoes. There's some nice hiking trails not too far away. Don't really like the idea of wandering through the woods on my own but sometimes the trail club has public walks or the conservation areas/provincial parks have guided walks.

[chasingpavements]

I can understand how hard it must be for you sometimes at work, having to deal with what you are going through. I am a stay at home mother and for me the hardest is to hold it all together in front of my children when I am feeling emotional.

For me, going for walks also helps, I always feel so much better after. Hopefully you are able to get out and do something fun