Just stopping by to say hi. nothing new.... guess it could be worse
I did find out H is not coming to the mediation in July, he can call in. So I don't have to see him. My L is having a meeting with his L next week to see where we stand. The whole thing is so silly all I am asking for is child support that is it I have taken all of the bills all of the responsibility of the kids. I have no idea why we can't just get this thing done. It has been over 2 years already. H has moved on just sign the papers... He is probably dragging his feet to be annoying. I am frustrated about how he refuses to communicate with me about the kids. I used to talk to him, was like talking to the wall so I switched to email he doesn't respond. I am being the nice one I think by telling him where the kids are, or what they are doing I think he could at least respond and say ok or something, tried to act to S like I didn't tell him S was going away for the weekend.
I keep trying to be the bigger person tell him where the kids are and send pictures and I know not to expect anything but still would it be so hard to say thanks? I am raising the kids alone... Would be nice to think it was appreciated but that would be crazy! haha
I do feel a bit sad about Father's Day. So wanted my kids to have a father in their life. I didn't and I know how it feels and seems my kids are going to be without a real father in their lives. makes me sad...
I don't mean to sound harsh here, but are you telling him things about the kids because you are expecting him to be grateful to you and receive appreciation from him for doing that or are you just telling him because you think it's the right thing to do?
If he isn't acknowledging it then simply stop. Only tell him things about the kids that absolutely critical that he know, i.e. health and safety issues.
I hope your mediation goes well. If all you are asking for is child support then I'm not sure what the mediation is for since that should be pretty much mandated by the state you live in.
I am telling him where the kids are because 1 it is the right thing to do and 2 I was advised by my lawyer to let him know. I think it is basic common courtesy to respond to an email especially when it is about your children and where they are and who they are with but I guess I am expecting too much. He did tell our son to tell your mom I got her email. Passive aggressive much?!?!
Our situation is a bit complicated as H is out of the country so it isn't as easy as going by the mandated state guidelines. And he is claiming he doesn't have a job and can't seem to find one. Basically they can order him to pay child support but can't garnish his wges or actually force him to pay. He can be arrested if he comes back to the States for contempt of court but I don't want that. I just want some help raising our kids. I am doing it alone, totally. He isn't here to help and has sent no money in 6 months but still won't sign divorce papers. So it is a but frustrating to me.
I had a mediated divorce myself - no lawyers. And I live in a state that is pretty clear cut with directions. What we really hashed out there was specifics to parenting (far beyond child support). I have a feeling Paige is going to need that.
Paige, BA is right in curbing expectations, etc. But you're also right in offering information on the kids' doings.
Maybe when you get to mediation, you can ask for direct communication with him on a weekly basis to go over parenting issues and concerns? Set those guidelines with the mediator?
We actually did that. We were separated without filing for more than 2 years after my ex moved out. So when we first met with the mediator, our communications were poor, we were both angry and had a very tough time trying to engage with each other for the sake of our girls. Our mediator suggested we have meetings every Sunday evening. You could do this with Skype. We set the agenda and stuck to it. I won't lie to you and tell you it was easy at first. I had so much anger that I know it was getting in the way. But gradually (with the help of this place), I got myself into a better frame of mind and it facilitated better communications.
Use the mediator to get what you need from him where it pertains to parenting support.
I think you can get most of what you need if you're reasonable about your expectations and if you leave any hidden agendas behind...
Good luck!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I agree with you 100% that it is the right thing to do and it's also what I have done in my own situation. I related to your situation because often the response I got from my ex was less than enthusiastic or appreciative and it used to irritate me as well. I realized that what I expected was how I thought she should respond and when she didn't I took it as a slight to me. However I realized that what her response should be was really out of my control. So I let that go, stopped focusing on it and just did what I felt I was supposed to do. For me it was very liberating and I relieved a lot of stress and frustration I was experiencing.
It is a shame you are not getting the support from him that you and your kids deserve. I hope he starts fulfilling his responsibilities sooner rather than later!
He can be arrested if he comes back to the States for contempt of court but I don't want that. I just want some help raising our kids. I am doing it alone, totally. He isn't here to help and has sent no money in 6 months
Why don't you want that? He's not working, letting you and the kids hang out to dry while he's off with OW, LET him get arrested. If he was HERE and not paying child support he would get arrested, right?
Don't protect him from the consequences of his actions.
AS for him not signing the divorce papers - it sure seems like there should be some point at which you can just get a unilateral divorce from someone who has abandoned you and moved to another country.
Thanks Betsey that is a great idea. I am going to suggest it at the mediation. H is still so mad at me, he needs to figure out a way to get past it so he can talk to me. You know its all my fault!
I know I need to figure out a way to get past the restentment I have about the kids. I know my situation is much better than his, I could never go that long without seeing my kids. Mostly I am ok and I know it isn't going to change but getting past the frustation some days is hard.
Thanks figgeroni. I know its hard and I know I can do it and my boys are great kids. I need to get past the picture I had in my head of a 2 parent family and replace it with a great mom and 2 great kids.
I did have a talk with H yesterday that was actually good. He admited that he was buying the kids expensive gifts because he felt guilty that he wasn't here with them. He also said that he knew I thought his life now was a bed of roses but it wasn't. Not really sure what he meant by that but I have to say I enjoyed hearing it...
We talked about the mediation and how that will go. He still wants me to agree to less c support because he can't afford it but it isn't like he is sending anything now. Hasn't made any sort of effort. I told him that I wasn't going to agree to sending the kids away for 1/2 of the summer. We never got anywhere but we actually communicated. About difficult subjects. He listened and I believe actually saw my point. Told me he knows I have a lot of stress and pressure. Knows he has responsiblities here. Never mentioned how he was going to fix things but hey its more than I have heard in years. I am sure the next time I speak to him the alien will be back but it was the old H on the phone. strange... cant spend too much time thinking about it but was odd.
